I see an inherent problem with watching films which are based off of historic events like Titanic or Apollo 13; you kinda already know what’s going to happen. The boat sinks, the astronauts make it back to Earth, and in Tom Cruise’s latest turd Valkyrie, Hitler lives.
So for movies like this to work, they need to do a really damn good job at telling you something you’re supposed to know. Although I’m sure somewhere, out there in the ether of America, is the girl I once met who didn’t know what the hell Nazi’s were. She was 17 when we met and from SoCal. I’m sure she watched this movie going, “so like, why’s everyone trying to kill that mustache guy?” So did Valkyrie deliver? Let’s review my evening.
My friends and I started off by getting drunk in a bar adjacent to the theater. Well, they didn’t get drunk; I don’t think I’ve ever seen Josh drunk and Robert doesn’t have the monetary resources to buy movie tickets AND beer all in one evening. I got drunk.
We walked over and started to watch the movie. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck the first half went by quickly. Here’s what I remember:
-Tom Cruise’s character is in a car on the African front of the war when it gets hit by heavy machine gun fire and explodes. I liked that part because I hate Tom Cruise.
-Ride of the Valkyries is played on an old phonograph long before you learn why the film is called Valkyrie. Turns out Valkyrie is the name of a contingency plan used to secure the government in case Hitler dies. The two Valkyries in the film don’t mesh well so, shit, one of them needs to go. Don’t care which one.
-I don’t speak German so aside from Hitler and Goebbels, I have no idea what each character’s name is.
-Tom Cruise is the only Nazi who doesn’t speak with a British accent.
I really want to be negative when reviewing this but aside from Tom Cruise being present I have no real complaints. Also, the guy can act so I can’t fault him for that. I can however fault him for being a fucking loon.
Valkyrie had a plot and it was executed without any mistakes. The reason this film sucked so bad was that the plot just wasn’t very interesting. It was bland. Here we have Nazis and they talk with distinction. They are stern. They are serious. They are stern, serious Nazis when they are plotting to kill Julius Caes- Adolf Hitler. They are stern, serious Nazis when dealing with the aftermath of a failed assassination attempt. They are stern, serious Nazis when they face the firing squad. But Goddamnit I just didn’t care.
It was bland. It was forgettable. It was about as dramatic as the History Channel. You don’t give a shit about any of the characters. I would have much rather watched a movie about Tom Cruise traveling back in time to kill Hitler. At least that would have made me care who dies first.
So for movies like this to work, they need to do a really damn good job at telling you something you’re supposed to know. Although I’m sure somewhere, out there in the ether of America, is the girl I once met who didn’t know what the hell Nazi’s were. She was 17 when we met and from SoCal. I’m sure she watched this movie going, “so like, why’s everyone trying to kill that mustache guy?” So did Valkyrie deliver? Let’s review my evening.
My friends and I started off by getting drunk in a bar adjacent to the theater. Well, they didn’t get drunk; I don’t think I’ve ever seen Josh drunk and Robert doesn’t have the monetary resources to buy movie tickets AND beer all in one evening. I got drunk.
We walked over and started to watch the movie. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck the first half went by quickly. Here’s what I remember:
-Tom Cruise’s character is in a car on the African front of the war when it gets hit by heavy machine gun fire and explodes. I liked that part because I hate Tom Cruise.
-Ride of the Valkyries is played on an old phonograph long before you learn why the film is called Valkyrie. Turns out Valkyrie is the name of a contingency plan used to secure the government in case Hitler dies. The two Valkyries in the film don’t mesh well so, shit, one of them needs to go. Don’t care which one.
-I don’t speak German so aside from Hitler and Goebbels, I have no idea what each character’s name is.
-Tom Cruise is the only Nazi who doesn’t speak with a British accent.
I really want to be negative when reviewing this but aside from Tom Cruise being present I have no real complaints. Also, the guy can act so I can’t fault him for that. I can however fault him for being a fucking loon.
Valkyrie had a plot and it was executed without any mistakes. The reason this film sucked so bad was that the plot just wasn’t very interesting. It was bland. Here we have Nazis and they talk with distinction. They are stern. They are serious. They are stern, serious Nazis when they are plotting to kill Julius Caes- Adolf Hitler. They are stern, serious Nazis when dealing with the aftermath of a failed assassination attempt. They are stern, serious Nazis when they face the firing squad. But Goddamnit I just didn’t care.
It was bland. It was forgettable. It was about as dramatic as the History Channel. You don’t give a shit about any of the characters. I would have much rather watched a movie about Tom Cruise traveling back in time to kill Hitler. At least that would have made me care who dies first.
An interesting side note I learned after the fact is the descendants of Tom Cruise’s character (Ok I just looked this up; his name was Claus Schenk Graf von Strauffenberg. Um…easier to just call him Maverick) Maverick tried to bar Cruise from playing their grandfather. When that failed they tried to get the German government to prevent him from entering the country. Could they really do that? I guess they can. But this fact alone is not enough to make anyone see this stupid movie.
I'm glad I was drunk.
I give Valkyrie 2/10 corgis.
I give Valkyrie 2/10 corgis.
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