I have no idea what everyone is bitching about these days. You ever notice how the only people who complain about Hummers drive foreign made cars, or worse, they take the smelly poor-people bus? Fuck you and fuck the world. My hummer is still my golden cock-chariot of power and capitalism. It’s still the best, damn car made in America, the best, damn country in the world, so therefore, the best damn thing I can buy. And I like that name Hummer too, you know? Going to pick up some milk is like being constantly blown by a hot, chubby gal, or like riding my secretary to the store. Makes me all tingly.
Ok, ok. Everyone’s talking about how GM, Ford and Chrysler are going to congress to get bail outs for their companies, and you know what I have to say about that? Big, fucking, deal. I get money and tax breaks from the government all the time. These are men a regular, Joe six-pack like me can really relate to. I really want to take these guys out to the old country club and knock back a few martinis and Chilean sea bass sushi . Then put in a quick 9 down at the links before comparing business strategies. Oh and by the way. Theirs was NOT flawed. It’s the consumer’s fault they are going under. Everyone knows the golden rule of buying a car: its 1 for the price of 2. If you can’t afford the necessary repairs then goddamnit, get a fucking horse. These are the same shortsighted people who fucked up the housing market.
This summer I was hearing so much crap when gas prices spiked at $4.10 a gallon. “Haha, you stupid idiot! Have fun filling that fucker up!” Hey, guess what? I did. I was laying down about a hundo a week on that thing. Nothing like filling up at a station and looking over at all these poor motherfuckers, mouths gaping, and just staring at me. Total shock. It was like my whole body was giving these saps the finger. Besides, I knew the pendulum would swing back to my favor. I got an inside guy with the oil spectators union. I knew what was going to happen months in advance. Let’s just say through some creative investments, I might as well have stolen the shit. Anyway, it was still way cheaper than what I spend on blow every week. And now that gas is back to like, what, $1.70 a gallon? Shit those are Clinton prices (hate that guy). Guess who looks stupid at the pump now?
I love this country almost as much as I love my Hummer. Only in a place like America can a coked-up, ex-stripper, junior high school drop out become the CEO of a fortune 500 company through litigation. That’s why I take personal offense at any sand fucking nigger jawa that hijacks a plane and crashes it into any of my World Trade Centers. I will fucking hunt them down across the deserts, the mountains, or the torn up concrete decay that was once a city (the hummer has driving settings for all 3). Fuck them. I want their oil. There will be no mercy. This thing was built for war. I got the Hummer Imperial. That comes with a rack on top for an attachable, bolt-on gat. Although I won’t personally be going, I will send my pool boy Julio. He looks to be some sort of Spanish so that means he was either a rebel freedom fighter or in a gang. Regardless, he knows how to fire a gun. They all do.
Another thing I really hate are those hippy, tree-hugging, pinko communist, granola-and-tofu-eating, stoner, hairy armit, dirt worshipers who have the audacity to call my car “Valdez”. Fuck the lot of you. “Oooh oooh save the Earth! Animals have rights too!” No they don’t. The animal which takes the most human lives a year in America are deer through car crashes. Well I’m one young buck that ain’t going that way. My car is so fucking awesome that just last week I ran over a bear. Just try and stop me! “Wah wah, your car is adding to greenhouse gasses and the ice caps are melting and polar bears are going extinct.” Ok, 1) Global warming has been proven wrong 25 years ago, 2) As a Christian I welcome the End Times with open arms, and 3) Don’t you ever speak ill of my Hummer that way! The Hummer is a dying species. Where is the outcry for when the last Hummer rolls off the lot? I’m a conservationist; I use every part of the Hummer. Just as recent as 3 years ago, you could look out and see whole dealerships of majestic Hummers roaming the great American highways. But now? *sigh*. I’m afraid one day the last Hummer will die and wind up being silent and gawked at in a car museum, just like that shellacked whale head I have hanging over my fire place.
Well, it was nice talking to you, but I have to get going. I need to be in the south of France in 8 hours and my pilot hates leaving late. I hate going to France but damn if they don’t have some of the best beaches and runny, smelly cheese in the world. The women aren’t too shabby either. I like taking a few home with me. You know, souvenirs. The Hummer sure can hold a lot of old, dead, French hooker bodies. Again, just another reason why my hummer still fucking rules.
Ok, ok. Everyone’s talking about how GM, Ford and Chrysler are going to congress to get bail outs for their companies, and you know what I have to say about that? Big, fucking, deal. I get money and tax breaks from the government all the time. These are men a regular, Joe six-pack like me can really relate to. I really want to take these guys out to the old country club and knock back a few martinis and Chilean sea bass sushi . Then put in a quick 9 down at the links before comparing business strategies. Oh and by the way. Theirs was NOT flawed. It’s the consumer’s fault they are going under. Everyone knows the golden rule of buying a car: its 1 for the price of 2. If you can’t afford the necessary repairs then goddamnit, get a fucking horse. These are the same shortsighted people who fucked up the housing market.
This summer I was hearing so much crap when gas prices spiked at $4.10 a gallon. “Haha, you stupid idiot! Have fun filling that fucker up!” Hey, guess what? I did. I was laying down about a hundo a week on that thing. Nothing like filling up at a station and looking over at all these poor motherfuckers, mouths gaping, and just staring at me. Total shock. It was like my whole body was giving these saps the finger. Besides, I knew the pendulum would swing back to my favor. I got an inside guy with the oil spectators union. I knew what was going to happen months in advance. Let’s just say through some creative investments, I might as well have stolen the shit. Anyway, it was still way cheaper than what I spend on blow every week. And now that gas is back to like, what, $1.70 a gallon? Shit those are Clinton prices (hate that guy). Guess who looks stupid at the pump now?
I love this country almost as much as I love my Hummer. Only in a place like America can a coked-up, ex-stripper, junior high school drop out become the CEO of a fortune 500 company through litigation. That’s why I take personal offense at any sand fucking nigger jawa that hijacks a plane and crashes it into any of my World Trade Centers. I will fucking hunt them down across the deserts, the mountains, or the torn up concrete decay that was once a city (the hummer has driving settings for all 3). Fuck them. I want their oil. There will be no mercy. This thing was built for war. I got the Hummer Imperial. That comes with a rack on top for an attachable, bolt-on gat. Although I won’t personally be going, I will send my pool boy Julio. He looks to be some sort of Spanish so that means he was either a rebel freedom fighter or in a gang. Regardless, he knows how to fire a gun. They all do.
Another thing I really hate are those hippy, tree-hugging, pinko communist, granola-and-tofu-eating, stoner, hairy armit, dirt worshipers who have the audacity to call my car “Valdez”. Fuck the lot of you. “Oooh oooh save the Earth! Animals have rights too!” No they don’t. The animal which takes the most human lives a year in America are deer through car crashes. Well I’m one young buck that ain’t going that way. My car is so fucking awesome that just last week I ran over a bear. Just try and stop me! “Wah wah, your car is adding to greenhouse gasses and the ice caps are melting and polar bears are going extinct.” Ok, 1) Global warming has been proven wrong 25 years ago, 2) As a Christian I welcome the End Times with open arms, and 3) Don’t you ever speak ill of my Hummer that way! The Hummer is a dying species. Where is the outcry for when the last Hummer rolls off the lot? I’m a conservationist; I use every part of the Hummer. Just as recent as 3 years ago, you could look out and see whole dealerships of majestic Hummers roaming the great American highways. But now? *sigh*. I’m afraid one day the last Hummer will die and wind up being silent and gawked at in a car museum, just like that shellacked whale head I have hanging over my fire place.
Well, it was nice talking to you, but I have to get going. I need to be in the south of France in 8 hours and my pilot hates leaving late. I hate going to France but damn if they don’t have some of the best beaches and runny, smelly cheese in the world. The women aren’t too shabby either. I like taking a few home with me. You know, souvenirs. The Hummer sure can hold a lot of old, dead, French hooker bodies. Again, just another reason why my hummer still fucking rules.
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