Life is complicated. And confusing. And down right completely cruel. How can we cope with this cornucopia of cacophony that we call continuance?
Alliteration aside, any amateur can amass the appropriate amount of attention toward- ok fuck this.
FUCK THIS. You are going to Hell! So is your mother, your dad, your dog, your mailman, your boss (good), the guy you hit with the car, that girl on the metro you fell in love with for 20 seconds, and Barack Obama. Get down on your knees and pray, sinner. For we are all guilty in the eyes of the Lord/Lords/Deities above who clearly let out a simple set of rules to follow. But nooOOOOOooooOOOOooooooOOOO. You just had to go ignore all this good stuff from up above and fuck up your chances for eternal bliss. SHIT. Might as well know why.
The Ten Commandments came straight from the mouth of God to Moses’ chisel. Everyone’s gotten busted for at least 2 of these. I’m not even talking about the minor ones like theft or murder. I’m talking about the hard-core, raw-dog crimes that make God cry. Like bearing no false witnesses before Him. Hmm? Yeah. Have you ever watched a little television program called, AMERICAN IDOL?! Oh that’s right you fucking heathen! Some of you rooted for Clay, some Rubben. But you all forget that the true Idol is Billy Idol.
Then there are a bunch of small minor rules you can break in the bible. Technically you’re not supposed to eat meat on Fridays or bugger other men. That took care of the entire North American continent. If you don’t eat meat, then you are a vegetarian who’s going to Hell anyway for sodomy. Some places like Texas, the land of Steers and Queers, got fucked over doubly for being meat “ingesting” gays. I quoted “ingesting” because if I said “eating” then that sentence would have been redundant.
I’d type up all the rules that can get you in trouble if you’re Catholic if I knew any but I get the impression that it would be like typing up all the rules to Calvinball. That whole scene looks like one huge bag of no-no’s that will either get you raped by an old man or beaten by a penguin. But as a red-blooded, heterosexual young Jewish man, common. You gotta love Catholic girls. Half are really cute, they are ALL repressed as Hell from interacting with only other Catholic girls for 13 years, and they think Jews are “exotic” and “witty”. Can’t argue with the witty part, and hey, there may be rules about “forbidden fruits” but there aren’t any about picking a cumquat over an apple.
Muslims are hardcore because if you sin, you don’t wait to go to Hell. Nuh-uh. You’re punishment is that you get a one-way express ticket to Hell on the blunted ends of 1000 rocks. This system seems to be geared towards keeping the Muslim women-folk down. They can’t drive (it’s written in the Quran). If a lady shows a little bit too much, ie, an ankle, they are considered whores and are killed immediately. So, if they are killed because of their attire, does that mean the men are super holy or just fashion police? Which brings me to gay Muslim men. Yes, such a thing does exist, and strangely enough it’s not all that uncommon. On top of their already fruity kissing and hand holding customs and the fact that every man already has a Freddy Mercury mustache, the whole keeping-women-down thing makes it hard to get a little release. But don’t think that if a man skipped down the streets of Tehran wearing hot-pink short shorts with “Saucey” written in glitter over the ass while singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, he’s not going to be murdered instantly. Oh and don’t make fun of Allah or the prophet Mohammed because they have the egos of sensitive little 5 year old girls and their feelings get hurt super easy.
All eastern religions teach is to not be a dick, so it looks like I’ll be coming back to life as colostomy bag a few times before I work my way up to athlete's foot fungus.
Gypsies aren’t a religion but since they live outside of normal society like bushmen or carnies, they are symbolic of, let’s say, “Da way we was”. Gypsies are really lax on a lot of things. Stealing and grifting are cool. So is selling your daughter to make some money (not lying). But so help you if you are a woman who isn’t a virgin come wedding night. They will shove a tablecloth violently up you coochie to see if you bleed or not. If you don’t, the wedding is off and you’re given a huge scar on your face with a butcher knife. This is the reason why anal is so popular among them. That last part does not apply to carnies since they’ve all lost their virginity at 6. They’re only rule is to do anything you want short of getting yourself fired.
Fuck I’m joining the carnie religion.
Alliteration aside, any amateur can amass the appropriate amount of attention toward- ok fuck this.
FUCK THIS. You are going to Hell! So is your mother, your dad, your dog, your mailman, your boss (good), the guy you hit with the car, that girl on the metro you fell in love with for 20 seconds, and Barack Obama. Get down on your knees and pray, sinner. For we are all guilty in the eyes of the Lord/Lords/Deities above who clearly let out a simple set of rules to follow. But nooOOOOOooooOOOOooooooOOOO. You just had to go ignore all this good stuff from up above and fuck up your chances for eternal bliss. SHIT. Might as well know why.
The Ten Commandments came straight from the mouth of God to Moses’ chisel. Everyone’s gotten busted for at least 2 of these. I’m not even talking about the minor ones like theft or murder. I’m talking about the hard-core, raw-dog crimes that make God cry. Like bearing no false witnesses before Him. Hmm? Yeah. Have you ever watched a little television program called, AMERICAN IDOL?! Oh that’s right you fucking heathen! Some of you rooted for Clay, some Rubben. But you all forget that the true Idol is Billy Idol.
Then there are a bunch of small minor rules you can break in the bible. Technically you’re not supposed to eat meat on Fridays or bugger other men. That took care of the entire North American continent. If you don’t eat meat, then you are a vegetarian who’s going to Hell anyway for sodomy. Some places like Texas, the land of Steers and Queers, got fucked over doubly for being meat “ingesting” gays. I quoted “ingesting” because if I said “eating” then that sentence would have been redundant.
I’d type up all the rules that can get you in trouble if you’re Catholic if I knew any but I get the impression that it would be like typing up all the rules to Calvinball. That whole scene looks like one huge bag of no-no’s that will either get you raped by an old man or beaten by a penguin. But as a red-blooded, heterosexual young Jewish man, common. You gotta love Catholic girls. Half are really cute, they are ALL repressed as Hell from interacting with only other Catholic girls for 13 years, and they think Jews are “exotic” and “witty”. Can’t argue with the witty part, and hey, there may be rules about “forbidden fruits” but there aren’t any about picking a cumquat over an apple.
Muslims are hardcore because if you sin, you don’t wait to go to Hell. Nuh-uh. You’re punishment is that you get a one-way express ticket to Hell on the blunted ends of 1000 rocks. This system seems to be geared towards keeping the Muslim women-folk down. They can’t drive (it’s written in the Quran). If a lady shows a little bit too much, ie, an ankle, they are considered whores and are killed immediately. So, if they are killed because of their attire, does that mean the men are super holy or just fashion police? Which brings me to gay Muslim men. Yes, such a thing does exist, and strangely enough it’s not all that uncommon. On top of their already fruity kissing and hand holding customs and the fact that every man already has a Freddy Mercury mustache, the whole keeping-women-down thing makes it hard to get a little release. But don’t think that if a man skipped down the streets of Tehran wearing hot-pink short shorts with “Saucey” written in glitter over the ass while singing “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, he’s not going to be murdered instantly. Oh and don’t make fun of Allah or the prophet Mohammed because they have the egos of sensitive little 5 year old girls and their feelings get hurt super easy.
All eastern religions teach is to not be a dick, so it looks like I’ll be coming back to life as colostomy bag a few times before I work my way up to athlete's foot fungus.
Gypsies aren’t a religion but since they live outside of normal society like bushmen or carnies, they are symbolic of, let’s say, “Da way we was”. Gypsies are really lax on a lot of things. Stealing and grifting are cool. So is selling your daughter to make some money (not lying). But so help you if you are a woman who isn’t a virgin come wedding night. They will shove a tablecloth violently up you coochie to see if you bleed or not. If you don’t, the wedding is off and you’re given a huge scar on your face with a butcher knife. This is the reason why anal is so popular among them. That last part does not apply to carnies since they’ve all lost their virginity at 6. They’re only rule is to do anything you want short of getting yourself fired.
Fuck I’m joining the carnie religion.
No comments:
Post a Comment