Unprinted “Snapple” “Facts”

#008: People who wear loafers are either ironic or dorks
#011: No one has ever photographed 2 cats having sex
#027: When you smash a fly, you can here a tiny, blood-curdling scream
#028: Pee is totally drinkable
#029: Snapple helps you make more pee
#044: Mr. T was born in Uganda under the name M’butu Tenze
#068: We have over 100 words for “whore” but none for “girl I want to marry”
#083: Lying makes you sterile
#102: Rosie O’Donald weighs as much as the world’s heaviest hog
#110: There’s rat shit in McDonalds hamburgers
#131: Lead is delicious
#144: A modern Jaguar is nothing more than a glorified Ford Torus
#165: Bigfoot isn’t real, but giant, hairy, inbred, rednecks who want to rape you are
#168: That Sahara Desert fucking sucks
#173: A baby Frenchmen is called a “croissant”
#194: Barack Obama and Tiger Woods are the same, amazing person
#205: The more red meat you eat, the thicker and more virile your sperm becomes
#212: Fat people have 3 eyelids
#223: Justin Timberlake sold his soul to the Devil for a box of crayons when he was 7
#225: Jumping into a vat of chemical waste will not turn you into The Joker
#234: There are 62,344 dots in the ceiling tile above my head. I counted
#247: Veal is more nutritious than pita bread
#251: Pokemon cards are used as currency in Japan
#259: There is such a thing as “dick cheese”; it is similar to brei.
#270: The top 3 causes of death in America are 1) heart disease, 2) accidents, 3) me
#276: Andrew “Action” Jackson is the only President to have quotation marks in his name
#284: A penny is worth 3 pesos in Nicaragua; it is worth dog shit in America
#289: Cousin marriage is legal in 48 states; sibling fondling is legal in 12
#299: The essence of independence has been to think and act according to standards from within, not without. Inevitably anyone with an independent mind must become "one who resists or opposes authority or established conventions": a rebel. If enough people come to agree with, and follow, the Rebel, we now have a Devil. Until of course, still more people agree. And then, finally, we have ---Greatness.