Santa’s Letter to Children

To every young boy and girl,
Merry Christmas to all!
There’s something I must tell you
That I’ve been thinking since Fall

I am Jolly ol’ Saint Nick;
The king of Christmas Season,
This year’s naughty or nice rules
Will change for good reason.

The times, they are getting tough.
With the economy in the trash,
My operation is now running
On federal bail-out cash

So this holiday season
Our shared plight will be comical.
I’m cutting all expenses.
Christmas just got economical!

To save Christmas this year
Many things must go missin’;
I laid off 2000 elves.
I put down Donner and Blitzen.

The naughty will get squat.
I’m keeping all the coal.
Punishing them is too expensive.
Keeping warm is now my goal.

The good children this year
Will get cheap old-fashioned toys;
Paper dolls for the girls, and
Wooden crap for the boys.

You want a better gift?
You’re out of luck, I’m afraid
…Unless you have rich parents,
Then I’m sure we can work out a trade

I need to make some cash.
I’ll take out ads on the sleigh!
I’ll hock Viagra and Google,
Coke, and Ruby Tuesday!

Could you leave out some cookies?
Please? I must get weighty.
I’m living off food stamps.
I’m around a lean 280

All over the world
I have different qualities and tunes.
In Japan I am “santakurosu”
And I live on the moon.

But there is one thing we all share
And it’s my saddest, deepest confession:
Christmas will suck this year, for
We are in the new Great Depression

HO HO HO! Keep on a-rockin’ in the free world!

PEACE!