Hiya! You’re smack-dab right in the middle of this blog’s first semi-annual Depressed Writers Week. Since I’m writing about all sorts of uncouth stuff that probably isn’t funny, I’ll be joining the pantheon of absurd, fucked-in-the-head writers such as Nietzsche, Dostoyevski, Camus, and Roald Dahl. Oh, who am I kidding? Fuck Camus! Tee hee! This is the week where I explore all the things that bring suffering to the human race, shining a disinfecting, x-ray light on the open sore of humanity, eradicating the microbes of misery. Whoa that was pretty deep, man. Like, science and…poetry…and…stuff. WOAH!
Today’s installment will look at the root of all evil: The 7 Deadly Sins. Also, since I hate proof-reading and re-writes, I’m going to say that there will probably be a few additions at the end to the “traditional” 7 deadly sins, but I can’t guarantee that because I am a depressed writer and depressed writers don’t do re-writes (they’re too depressed). You’ll find out at the end. I supposed. Yeah…ANYWAY! Let’s light this candle! (the candle will burn out when you finished reading this blog, symbolizing death. SPOOOOKY!)
Lust
This one gets a pretty bad wrap but I’m not so sure of it. People say “oh well it turns girls into prostitutes and ruins the world!” Uh, no, sorry guy. Meth and heroin turn girls into prostitutes. You think they do that shit ‘cause it’s fun? The 900lb gorilla on their back makes them shack up with the obese drudges of society with dick cheese for $75. Mmm. Hell, that sounds so great I would do it if it weren’t so gay. Maybe opponents of lust are looking at it in the rape-y sense. Like that Discovery Channel song (no, not I Love the Whole World, you dunce). The one by the Bloodhound Gang from like middle school. The one where it’s all like, Hey I’m horny you’re horny let’s go fuck because that’s all cavemen did was kill and fuck so let’s do that it sounds really fucking cool. But the problem is that actually does sound like fun. We are all, deep down, nothing more than savage cave-people who feel the need to stick our spears into hot flesh. Well, that’s regression. Biologically it’s genetically beneficial to spread your seed out as much as possible. Either way we were born this completely fucked.
Gluttony
This one confuses me because hey, aren’t fat people supposed to be jolly? Common, they cook gumbo, star in Tommy Boy, and travel around the world giving gifts to everyone but Jews and Muslims (because THEY are evil. Oh! I have an 8th deadly sin). I can’t see how this one is bad. I mean, we live in America, the greatest nation in the history of nations, so something must have gone right for us to be larger than life. We are home to the Whopper, the Baconator, eating contests and Paula Dean. We have plenty of food, but don’t try this shit in a third world country or you will literally be eaten alive. The only down side is when a fat man dies. You know because you can feel the shockwaves and tremors from his fall. First off, you need a casket big enough for the body, so someone’s gonna have to sneak into Sears and steal a few refrigerator boxes. And then you gotta rent a backhoe to dig a hole big enough, hire an army of caterers to feed the deceased’s fat friends…it’s a lot of work. And think of the poor mortician who has to stitch his chest back together. I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled out a live shrimp from his cavity. Plus, that shits gotta stink like a septic tank.
Wrath
Wrath is bad because when mixed with alcohol it makes men who watch The Steve Wilkos Show and Judge Joe Brown hit their wives. And that’s fucked.
Envy
A couple of these sins are kinda gay because they involve no action on the part of the sinner. “Whoops! I had an evil thought! I’m a sinner!” Envy is kind of like that because everyone is envious. You think I’m happy Michael Phelps, that goofy grinning, big eared doofus is the greatest sportsman of all time? Well, actually I am. I hear he’s good people. But shit I wish I had that! Fuck him, fuck the kid who made Facebook (he’s worth billions), fuck Shia LeBeouf, and fuck all successful people whether they deserve their success or not (not being Shia).
Greed
Envy’s long-term boyfriend, Greed. This is the one that makes you go out and try to take things. To be fair, most people steal out of necessity, I’d say like 60%. Most people who steal and take are not going to be like “Ima steal me one-a them big screens anna fo-ty ya feel me, cuz?” But greed usually refers to the acquisition of money. Can’t argue with that. Greed is the main reason why so many drug dealers get caught. It’s always “just one more big haul. Just one more score!” (found a 9th sin). “Man, I wouldn’t have gotten caught if I didn’t try dealing at that elementary school.” Well no shit. Kids only have like milk money. Plus the place is crawling with DARE posters. The fuck did you expect you greedy bastard?
Pride
This one used to be bad, but now its good. You want to be proud of your work or proud of someone. So, fuck this one.
OK I just wikipedia’d it. Apparently it’s bad if you turn pride inward and get all vain and narcissistic and shit. Alright, I agree. Ego bitches suck. But the only place this ever becomes a huge problem is if you’re an actor or something, and Spears is getting all drama on you, saying “Britney wants what Britney gets” because she’s on the rag and this shot is blocking her Movado watch and they don’t have Pelligrino they only have Dasani, and then the director threatens to can her and bring in Madonna, but that’s even worse because she’s like 50 and an even BIGGER bitch, so you all complain and moan for 4 hours, take a quick cig break, then get back together and make the shittiest Pepsi commercial ever.
Sloth
The definition of sloth has changed a lot over the centuries, so I’ll try to sum it up into one huge visual: A sleepy, tired sloth who listens to My Chemical Romance. Basically emo kids. I can’t imagine any one group more deserving of Wrath. I am a depressed writer living in a riddle wrapped in a paradox wrapped in a cliché. Someone snuff the flame from my life and end my turmoil for your lies leave scars on my wrists. *~XxStRaIgHtxEdGexX~*
Bonuses!
Religion: see Thursday’s update
Drugs: see Friday’s update
Today’s installment will look at the root of all evil: The 7 Deadly Sins. Also, since I hate proof-reading and re-writes, I’m going to say that there will probably be a few additions at the end to the “traditional” 7 deadly sins, but I can’t guarantee that because I am a depressed writer and depressed writers don’t do re-writes (they’re too depressed). You’ll find out at the end. I supposed. Yeah…ANYWAY! Let’s light this candle! (the candle will burn out when you finished reading this blog, symbolizing death. SPOOOOKY!)
Lust
This one gets a pretty bad wrap but I’m not so sure of it. People say “oh well it turns girls into prostitutes and ruins the world!” Uh, no, sorry guy. Meth and heroin turn girls into prostitutes. You think they do that shit ‘cause it’s fun? The 900lb gorilla on their back makes them shack up with the obese drudges of society with dick cheese for $75. Mmm. Hell, that sounds so great I would do it if it weren’t so gay. Maybe opponents of lust are looking at it in the rape-y sense. Like that Discovery Channel song (no, not I Love the Whole World, you dunce). The one by the Bloodhound Gang from like middle school. The one where it’s all like, Hey I’m horny you’re horny let’s go fuck because that’s all cavemen did was kill and fuck so let’s do that it sounds really fucking cool. But the problem is that actually does sound like fun. We are all, deep down, nothing more than savage cave-people who feel the need to stick our spears into hot flesh. Well, that’s regression. Biologically it’s genetically beneficial to spread your seed out as much as possible. Either way we were born this completely fucked.
Gluttony
This one confuses me because hey, aren’t fat people supposed to be jolly? Common, they cook gumbo, star in Tommy Boy, and travel around the world giving gifts to everyone but Jews and Muslims (because THEY are evil. Oh! I have an 8th deadly sin). I can’t see how this one is bad. I mean, we live in America, the greatest nation in the history of nations, so something must have gone right for us to be larger than life. We are home to the Whopper, the Baconator, eating contests and Paula Dean. We have plenty of food, but don’t try this shit in a third world country or you will literally be eaten alive. The only down side is when a fat man dies. You know because you can feel the shockwaves and tremors from his fall. First off, you need a casket big enough for the body, so someone’s gonna have to sneak into Sears and steal a few refrigerator boxes. And then you gotta rent a backhoe to dig a hole big enough, hire an army of caterers to feed the deceased’s fat friends…it’s a lot of work. And think of the poor mortician who has to stitch his chest back together. I wouldn’t be surprised if they pulled out a live shrimp from his cavity. Plus, that shits gotta stink like a septic tank.
Wrath
Wrath is bad because when mixed with alcohol it makes men who watch The Steve Wilkos Show and Judge Joe Brown hit their wives. And that’s fucked.
Envy
A couple of these sins are kinda gay because they involve no action on the part of the sinner. “Whoops! I had an evil thought! I’m a sinner!” Envy is kind of like that because everyone is envious. You think I’m happy Michael Phelps, that goofy grinning, big eared doofus is the greatest sportsman of all time? Well, actually I am. I hear he’s good people. But shit I wish I had that! Fuck him, fuck the kid who made Facebook (he’s worth billions), fuck Shia LeBeouf, and fuck all successful people whether they deserve their success or not (not being Shia).
Greed
Envy’s long-term boyfriend, Greed. This is the one that makes you go out and try to take things. To be fair, most people steal out of necessity, I’d say like 60%. Most people who steal and take are not going to be like “Ima steal me one-a them big screens anna fo-ty ya feel me, cuz?” But greed usually refers to the acquisition of money. Can’t argue with that. Greed is the main reason why so many drug dealers get caught. It’s always “just one more big haul. Just one more score!” (found a 9th sin). “Man, I wouldn’t have gotten caught if I didn’t try dealing at that elementary school.” Well no shit. Kids only have like milk money. Plus the place is crawling with DARE posters. The fuck did you expect you greedy bastard?
Pride
This one used to be bad, but now its good. You want to be proud of your work or proud of someone. So, fuck this one.
OK I just wikipedia’d it. Apparently it’s bad if you turn pride inward and get all vain and narcissistic and shit. Alright, I agree. Ego bitches suck. But the only place this ever becomes a huge problem is if you’re an actor or something, and Spears is getting all drama on you, saying “Britney wants what Britney gets” because she’s on the rag and this shot is blocking her Movado watch and they don’t have Pelligrino they only have Dasani, and then the director threatens to can her and bring in Madonna, but that’s even worse because she’s like 50 and an even BIGGER bitch, so you all complain and moan for 4 hours, take a quick cig break, then get back together and make the shittiest Pepsi commercial ever.
Sloth
The definition of sloth has changed a lot over the centuries, so I’ll try to sum it up into one huge visual: A sleepy, tired sloth who listens to My Chemical Romance. Basically emo kids. I can’t imagine any one group more deserving of Wrath. I am a depressed writer living in a riddle wrapped in a paradox wrapped in a cliché. Someone snuff the flame from my life and end my turmoil for your lies leave scars on my wrists. *~XxStRaIgHtxEdGexX~*
Bonuses!
Religion: see Thursday’s update
Drugs: see Friday’s update
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