Anime is weird. That’s because it comes from Japan and that whole island nation is like one big neon-colored American barf on acid. Well, not the whole island. But their pop-culture sure is.
Some people really have a hard-on for this stuff. I don’t know. All anime seems so similar and unoriginal to me that it borders the mundane. But how can this be? Japan is fucking bonkers. I want to attempt to break down anime; distil it and see what it, and Japan, is all about. I get the impression that I’ll run into a “chicken or the egg” scenario, a “life imitating art or art imitating life” Catch-22. Maybe I’ll find out if Japan is the good kind of crazy – the kind that’s like that homeless wine-o bum who’s totally incoherent but creates whole genres of music out of instruments he made out of garbage, or the bad kind of crazy – the paranoid schizophrenic who stalks Britney Spears and cuts out her eyes in pictures of her from magazines.
I’m not going to pretend I know a thing about Japan, Japanese culture, Japanese pop-culture, or Anime. Hopefully I can find some reoccurring themes. My info comes from the following sources:
Anime: 15%
Greasy nerds bitching on the internet: 23%
Anthony Bourdain: 12%
Vice magazine: 11%
Porn: 30%
Other: 9%
Almost Every Anime Involves Fighting
I don’t know how to elaborate on this. Everything is about some samurai cowboy who needs to “level up” so he can enact revenge against the mafia’s power energy karate squad who killed his master. Like, that’s the whole plot. If Bruce Lee were alive and Japanese I’m sure he’d be mad as hell. Otherwise I’m sure he’s walking around Chinese heaven, looking down at these shows and going “This is bullshit”. Maybe they like fighting so much because they have to. Maybe karate and sumo is just a way for them to tout some muscle against China’s billion-man army of Xiaolin ninjas (fyi, China and Japan hate each other). Oh and one more thing. The moral behind all these fighting shows seems to be that if you believe in yourself and your friends while they are simultaneously believing in your and themselves, you can win any fight. I guess they never heard of “you and your boys just jump this motherfucker” because that’s how smart people win fights.
Their Sense of Humor is Weird
Around the turn of the 20th century two great things were invented in America: assembly line car production (thank you, Henry Ford) and humor (thank you, Jews). It’s amazing how the Japanese can excel so far at one and suck so hard at another. When I drive around in my Toyota, I’m not listening to the latest Kenji Tonegawa “Happy Parents Glorious Shame” comedy album. You know what’s big in Japan now? Vaudevillian buddy comedy acts. I’m not fucking with you. Like straight up, Abbot and Costello, straight man and foil, “who’s on first?” comedy routines. I thought these fuckers were supposed to be more advanced than us. They are so good at taking things and streamlining it down to perfection, so how could they screw humor up so bad? There’s a formula for God’s sake. Remember the first time you saw Mr. Hanky? He was funny because, while being overall nice and singing charming, wholesome holiday songs, he was also a repulsive brown lump of shit that left stains everywhere. I saw the Japanese equivalent; it looked like a big dollop of strawberry frozen yogurt with sunglasses. Sorry, shit. You don’t look like shit. You look like you should be palling around with Hello Kitty.
Little Girls are Powerful and Sometimes Evil
Did you ever watch The Grudge or The Ring? Yawn. The protagonist/villain is always some little girl who is crazy powerful and scary. Just wait 3 more points until you get to the thing about Japanese sex and then you’ll see why this is so ironic.
We Totally Fucked Them Up with Our Nukes
Our bad. But you gotta admit, that shit was pretty cool. I like how things in Anime just can’t explode. It has to be a bomb of biblical proportions. Characters can destroy cities with bombs, lasers, energy beams and even sometimes through squatting and grunting really really hard. An anime just isn’t an anime unless an entire zone is completely leveled. But anime bombs are just “big explosions”. I’d love to see them show what a nuke is really like, complete with radiation sickness and people’s skin coming off like the outer layer of a burnt marshmallow.
ROBOTS!
Yup. They sure do love robots. Fun fact: Japanese people have no hearts and wish to become robots. In anime, robots fight. Sometimes they have giant 20 foot tall robots with people inside controlling the Plasma Rifles and Rocket Punches. They even get to wield Beam Swords. Too bad the closest things we have to actual robot fights are Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots, Battle Bots, and when two drunk construction workers get pissed off at each other and decided to duke it out in a bulldozer demolition derby. There are also animes where it’s like Pinocchio but with robots (quick aside, the movie A.I fucking SUCKED). Did you know the CEO of the Honda Motor Company Takeo Fukui lost his son Asimo in a (Honda) car crash? This is what you get when you cross a billionaire’s dead son, a Honda Accord, and a little bit of the 6 Million Dollar Man.
They Either Don’t Know How to Have Sex or Are Fucking Lightyears Ahead of Us
First, lets just get this out of the way– Japanese vaginas are not horizontal and don’t go from thigh to thigh; they’re vertical and go from belly to butthole like normal vaginas. Good. Now we can proceed. Anime that’s porn is called Hentai. Because they are drawings, there is no limit to what is possible in Hentai porn. Yet somehow, and I really, really, regret to inform you, this does not make it any more horrible than “regular” Japanese porn. Sure, Hentai runs the gamut from boring office sex to, oh hell, I don’t know, an entire class of bug-eyed under aged girls getting tentacle raped by a demon Kraken…and then there’s the porn acted out by real live Japanese.
Some people really have a hard-on for this stuff. I don’t know. All anime seems so similar and unoriginal to me that it borders the mundane. But how can this be? Japan is fucking bonkers. I want to attempt to break down anime; distil it and see what it, and Japan, is all about. I get the impression that I’ll run into a “chicken or the egg” scenario, a “life imitating art or art imitating life” Catch-22. Maybe I’ll find out if Japan is the good kind of crazy – the kind that’s like that homeless wine-o bum who’s totally incoherent but creates whole genres of music out of instruments he made out of garbage, or the bad kind of crazy – the paranoid schizophrenic who stalks Britney Spears and cuts out her eyes in pictures of her from magazines.
I’m not going to pretend I know a thing about Japan, Japanese culture, Japanese pop-culture, or Anime. Hopefully I can find some reoccurring themes. My info comes from the following sources:
Anime: 15%
Greasy nerds bitching on the internet: 23%
Anthony Bourdain: 12%
Vice magazine: 11%
Porn: 30%
Other: 9%
Almost Every Anime Involves Fighting
I don’t know how to elaborate on this. Everything is about some samurai cowboy who needs to “level up” so he can enact revenge against the mafia’s power energy karate squad who killed his master. Like, that’s the whole plot. If Bruce Lee were alive and Japanese I’m sure he’d be mad as hell. Otherwise I’m sure he’s walking around Chinese heaven, looking down at these shows and going “This is bullshit”. Maybe they like fighting so much because they have to. Maybe karate and sumo is just a way for them to tout some muscle against China’s billion-man army of Xiaolin ninjas (fyi, China and Japan hate each other). Oh and one more thing. The moral behind all these fighting shows seems to be that if you believe in yourself and your friends while they are simultaneously believing in your and themselves, you can win any fight. I guess they never heard of “you and your boys just jump this motherfucker” because that’s how smart people win fights.
Their Sense of Humor is Weird
Around the turn of the 20th century two great things were invented in America: assembly line car production (thank you, Henry Ford) and humor (thank you, Jews). It’s amazing how the Japanese can excel so far at one and suck so hard at another. When I drive around in my Toyota, I’m not listening to the latest Kenji Tonegawa “Happy Parents Glorious Shame” comedy album. You know what’s big in Japan now? Vaudevillian buddy comedy acts. I’m not fucking with you. Like straight up, Abbot and Costello, straight man and foil, “who’s on first?” comedy routines. I thought these fuckers were supposed to be more advanced than us. They are so good at taking things and streamlining it down to perfection, so how could they screw humor up so bad? There’s a formula for God’s sake. Remember the first time you saw Mr. Hanky? He was funny because, while being overall nice and singing charming, wholesome holiday songs, he was also a repulsive brown lump of shit that left stains everywhere. I saw the Japanese equivalent; it looked like a big dollop of strawberry frozen yogurt with sunglasses. Sorry, shit. You don’t look like shit. You look like you should be palling around with Hello Kitty.
Little Girls are Powerful and Sometimes Evil
Did you ever watch The Grudge or The Ring? Yawn. The protagonist/villain is always some little girl who is crazy powerful and scary. Just wait 3 more points until you get to the thing about Japanese sex and then you’ll see why this is so ironic.
We Totally Fucked Them Up with Our Nukes
Our bad. But you gotta admit, that shit was pretty cool. I like how things in Anime just can’t explode. It has to be a bomb of biblical proportions. Characters can destroy cities with bombs, lasers, energy beams and even sometimes through squatting and grunting really really hard. An anime just isn’t an anime unless an entire zone is completely leveled. But anime bombs are just “big explosions”. I’d love to see them show what a nuke is really like, complete with radiation sickness and people’s skin coming off like the outer layer of a burnt marshmallow.
ROBOTS!
Yup. They sure do love robots. Fun fact: Japanese people have no hearts and wish to become robots. In anime, robots fight. Sometimes they have giant 20 foot tall robots with people inside controlling the Plasma Rifles and Rocket Punches. They even get to wield Beam Swords. Too bad the closest things we have to actual robot fights are Rock ‘em Sock ‘em Robots, Battle Bots, and when two drunk construction workers get pissed off at each other and decided to duke it out in a bulldozer demolition derby. There are also animes where it’s like Pinocchio but with robots (quick aside, the movie A.I fucking SUCKED). Did you know the CEO of the Honda Motor Company Takeo Fukui lost his son Asimo in a (Honda) car crash? This is what you get when you cross a billionaire’s dead son, a Honda Accord, and a little bit of the 6 Million Dollar Man.
They Either Don’t Know How to Have Sex or Are Fucking Lightyears Ahead of Us
First, lets just get this out of the way– Japanese vaginas are not horizontal and don’t go from thigh to thigh; they’re vertical and go from belly to butthole like normal vaginas. Good. Now we can proceed. Anime that’s porn is called Hentai. Because they are drawings, there is no limit to what is possible in Hentai porn. Yet somehow, and I really, really, regret to inform you, this does not make it any more horrible than “regular” Japanese porn. Sure, Hentai runs the gamut from boring office sex to, oh hell, I don’t know, an entire class of bug-eyed under aged girls getting tentacle raped by a demon Kraken…and then there’s the porn acted out by real live Japanese.
Let me just say, women DEFINITELY got the shit end of the sex stick in Japan. Women poop, get pooped on, poop out 100 live baby eels (NOT LYING OH GOD I WISH I WAS), fuck dogs, and basically do everything short of consensual, enjoyable sex. Even when you take out the smoke and mirrors of butt eels and dog cocks and are left with just one man, one woman, meat and potatoes missionary sex, the woman never, ever, EVER, looks like she’s enjoying it. She’s always in pain, squealing like only pigs and children can. Jesus. I don’t get off on children or rape, or raping children. But there are plenty of guys who are. They go to Japan to indulge in, literally, any sexual fantasy you wan. Like if you want to go fuck a doll in a doll brothel or grope some lady in a fake subway car you can buy it. But let me ask this: if they are so fucking advanced sexually, then why is it that birth rates are declining and the President of Japan had to come out and tell the people to fuck more? Why is it Japanese woman no longer feel romance?
(Note: I would link every one of those last few questions, the sex fantasies you can pay for and the butt eel stuff to the articles where I read about it but I’m at work right now)
Ok, now remember what I said about horror movies and little girls being super scary and powerful. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Or does it?
(Note: I would link every one of those last few questions, the sex fantasies you can pay for and the butt eel stuff to the articles where I read about it but I’m at work right now)
Ok, now remember what I said about horror movies and little girls being super scary and powerful. Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Or does it?
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