I have a deep seeded hatred for anyone younger than me. Ask my friend Josh. He’s a day younger than me and I fucking hate him. I hate him, his family, his hobbies, his place of origin (England) and his new citizenship (American). I hate everything about him, simply because he lacks about 18 hours of worldly experience less than me. Fucking novice. Fucking baby.
Luckily for me, he’s 22. So when I’m over at his house and he asks if I want some hot chocolate or cookies, I can be like “Only babies like that stupid fucking kids stuff you asshole,” and then karate-chop him in the throat. All nice and legal like.
But what about minors? They are federally protected from such erroneous concepts like “abuse” and “harm”. What do you do when some kid throws up on your shoes or says “lol”, not even ironically, like instead of laughing they actually say out loud “lol” or “PWN3D” as if I’m one of their stupid little chronic masturbator friends sitting next to them in Mrs. Henderson’s class? If there was a just and mighty God He would not stand by and idly witness such unmitigated bullshit.
I don’t believe in God. I do, however, believe in Karma. And I believe sometimes Karma needs a helping hand. I’ll list them in order of increasing severity; a handy little reference for how badly you want to get these, well, I suppose they are technically “people”.
Insults
Kids are dumb. Especially kids in middle school or emotionally stunted high schoolers. They think the worst possible thing you can call someone is a fag. That is the end-all be-all, the alpha and the omega of burns to them. What they don’t realize is that 1) You’re not in school anymore and therefore not restricted to limited interaction with the same handful of people for 4 years, 2) You know and are friends with real life gays and guess what? Aside from all the dick sucking and weird clothes they’re actually normal and 3) You and your friends call each other fag so often it’s become a speech disfluency like saying “um” too much. So run with it. Next time some kid calls you a fag just be like, “Yup. That’s right. I am Mayor Gaylord Penis of the city Homopolis and I can’t wait to snap your tiny little dick off like a crouton.” Or just call them virgins. It’s 100% true and they can’t say shit. And there is no trick to destroying the emotions of a girl in middle/high school. All you do is call them fat/ugly and that no one will ever like them, dust off your hands and call it a day. Congratulate yourself; you just gave someone a life-long eating disorder.
Spit
This one is reserved for kid kids. Actual children. See, like I said before and will say until I am a sad, bitter old man recanting my life on my death bead, kids are stupid. If you spit in the face of an adult, they will understand you have committed a very serious affront. They are given the right, no, the duty to slap the shit out of you in retaliation. But not kids. Kids spit all the time. So when some kid mouths off to you or says something stupid like he’s never watched Loony Tunes before, spit right in their face. Bend down, look them straight in the eye and hock the biggest loogie square in the middle. Now run. You have just started a gross yet fun game of Spit Tag so use your long ass adult legs to get out of that scene before your clothes are stained from the rainbow candy coated sugar cereal he’s been eating for the past 3 hours.
The Finger Pincer
Your thumb and middle finger form what is the greatest martial arts move against kids; the pincer. When used appropriately it can subdue the noisiest of brats; hurt the meanest of bullies. It is your elite child assassin weapon, leaving no marks and no evidence of wrong doing. There are two key areas to attack on the body: the back of the neck and the knee. When applied to the neck, it has the effect of a dull, numbing pain, kind of like the therapy you apply to a dog or a pig that’s too wild (the next step to calming the animal is castration, which I also advocate). The subject collapses to the ground, swinging and yelling violently…but at least that little fucker’s not running around knocking over lamps and destroying things because he has ADHD and his stupid fucking mom gave him rainbow candy coated sugar cereal. When applied to the knee (on the sides, just above the knee on the lower part of the thigh), it feels like electricity. It’s actual, legitimate pain. This is best done while in the car where they can’t go anywhere and are bound to the seat. Muwahahahahaha…
Dodge Ball
If a kid is stupid enough to accept your challenge he deserves to be smacked in the face by a big heavy rubber ball traveling as fast as a light truck. Remember that bully who used to target you when you had to play this in school? You are now him x1000^satan. Game on.
Framing
One of the things I love most about my life right now is that I can walk into any store and buy alcohol and cigarettes legally. I’m still waiting for the day when I can stroll down the street, take huge riffs of a Dutch Master blunt and blow the smoke into squirrels and bees and shit. Buuuuuut kids in school don’t know that joy. In fact, I’m pretty sure even possessing any of those things on school property is grounds for immediate expulsion. Hmmmm…do you know where this future gas pumper keeps their backpack? Know where you can buy a six pack of Modelo and a pack of Camels? (hint-VA: Any gas station) Do you need me to explain this further?
Luckily for me, he’s 22. So when I’m over at his house and he asks if I want some hot chocolate or cookies, I can be like “Only babies like that stupid fucking kids stuff you asshole,” and then karate-chop him in the throat. All nice and legal like.
But what about minors? They are federally protected from such erroneous concepts like “abuse” and “harm”. What do you do when some kid throws up on your shoes or says “lol”, not even ironically, like instead of laughing they actually say out loud “lol” or “PWN3D” as if I’m one of their stupid little chronic masturbator friends sitting next to them in Mrs. Henderson’s class? If there was a just and mighty God He would not stand by and idly witness such unmitigated bullshit.
I don’t believe in God. I do, however, believe in Karma. And I believe sometimes Karma needs a helping hand. I’ll list them in order of increasing severity; a handy little reference for how badly you want to get these, well, I suppose they are technically “people”.
Insults
Kids are dumb. Especially kids in middle school or emotionally stunted high schoolers. They think the worst possible thing you can call someone is a fag. That is the end-all be-all, the alpha and the omega of burns to them. What they don’t realize is that 1) You’re not in school anymore and therefore not restricted to limited interaction with the same handful of people for 4 years, 2) You know and are friends with real life gays and guess what? Aside from all the dick sucking and weird clothes they’re actually normal and 3) You and your friends call each other fag so often it’s become a speech disfluency like saying “um” too much. So run with it. Next time some kid calls you a fag just be like, “Yup. That’s right. I am Mayor Gaylord Penis of the city Homopolis and I can’t wait to snap your tiny little dick off like a crouton.” Or just call them virgins. It’s 100% true and they can’t say shit. And there is no trick to destroying the emotions of a girl in middle/high school. All you do is call them fat/ugly and that no one will ever like them, dust off your hands and call it a day. Congratulate yourself; you just gave someone a life-long eating disorder.
Spit
This one is reserved for kid kids. Actual children. See, like I said before and will say until I am a sad, bitter old man recanting my life on my death bead, kids are stupid. If you spit in the face of an adult, they will understand you have committed a very serious affront. They are given the right, no, the duty to slap the shit out of you in retaliation. But not kids. Kids spit all the time. So when some kid mouths off to you or says something stupid like he’s never watched Loony Tunes before, spit right in their face. Bend down, look them straight in the eye and hock the biggest loogie square in the middle. Now run. You have just started a gross yet fun game of Spit Tag so use your long ass adult legs to get out of that scene before your clothes are stained from the rainbow candy coated sugar cereal he’s been eating for the past 3 hours.
The Finger Pincer
Your thumb and middle finger form what is the greatest martial arts move against kids; the pincer. When used appropriately it can subdue the noisiest of brats; hurt the meanest of bullies. It is your elite child assassin weapon, leaving no marks and no evidence of wrong doing. There are two key areas to attack on the body: the back of the neck and the knee. When applied to the neck, it has the effect of a dull, numbing pain, kind of like the therapy you apply to a dog or a pig that’s too wild (the next step to calming the animal is castration, which I also advocate). The subject collapses to the ground, swinging and yelling violently…but at least that little fucker’s not running around knocking over lamps and destroying things because he has ADHD and his stupid fucking mom gave him rainbow candy coated sugar cereal. When applied to the knee (on the sides, just above the knee on the lower part of the thigh), it feels like electricity. It’s actual, legitimate pain. This is best done while in the car where they can’t go anywhere and are bound to the seat. Muwahahahahaha…
Dodge Ball
If a kid is stupid enough to accept your challenge he deserves to be smacked in the face by a big heavy rubber ball traveling as fast as a light truck. Remember that bully who used to target you when you had to play this in school? You are now him x1000^satan. Game on.
Framing
One of the things I love most about my life right now is that I can walk into any store and buy alcohol and cigarettes legally. I’m still waiting for the day when I can stroll down the street, take huge riffs of a Dutch Master blunt and blow the smoke into squirrels and bees and shit. Buuuuuut kids in school don’t know that joy. In fact, I’m pretty sure even possessing any of those things on school property is grounds for immediate expulsion. Hmmmm…do you know where this future gas pumper keeps their backpack? Know where you can buy a six pack of Modelo and a pack of Camels? (hint-VA: Any gas station) Do you need me to explain this further?
No comments:
Post a Comment