Let me ask you this. Have you ever had to babysit a particularly fat kid before? It’s 2 in the afternoon, you look up from you copy of Atlas Shrugged (or Teen People, whichever) and you notice the Xbox has been silent for 20 minutes? So you get up to look for Jeremy and find him sitting on the kitchen floor. His pudgy, little legs are splayed out and resting on his lap is a dusty, incredibly old, half eaten box of chocolates, and this kid is just fucking going to town on them. He is gorging himself so much that he looks like he’s doing an unintentional black-face of Fat Albert. And as you loom over him (he doesn’t hear you coming through all the chewing) he stares up at you and tries to utter “I can’t help myself” but instead burps and throws up just a little bit of semi-digested chocolate that looks not unlike diarrhea, which makes you gag even more when he promptly swallows it again. Ever have that happen to you?
Jeremy isn’t lying when he says he can’t help it. He is a Chocoholic (in addition to having Type 1 Diabetes). He is addicted to chocolate. If the urges inside him are suppressed long enough, he can go into withdrawal and die. Sure, his parents will be sad for like, a week, and the rest of the general public will be all, “hey, yeah man that’s fucked up but now I want some chocolate”, but all of this is a microcosm for the world of drug addiction.
If you have an “edgy” friend, you know, the one that LOVES Family Guy, says he would have gay sex with Jesus Christ because Jesus loves him and tells a version of the Aristocrats joke involving an aborted fetus, you know 3 things are missing from their lexicon (vocab); racial stuff because they’re scared, humor, and proper drug references. It’s always heroin, crack, meth, heroin, crack, meth, heroin, crack, meth. Pro-tip: dude, calling meth The Ice is way funnier. I’m going to run a mini gamut of lesser-known drugs and their accompanying addictions so your stupid friend can have some fresh material.
(and to inform the public, prevent deaths, save children blah blah blah yadda yadda)
Ketamine
Would you ever eat dog food? Probably not. So don’t take dog medicine. Ketamine, along with garden variety tranqs are the main reasons drug addicts break into veterinary clinics. This stuff is pretty heavy, acting on some parts of the brain and even different parts if taken in strong enough doses. It’s like having your brain ripped in half. One time I was smoking with a friend of mine. We went back to his parents place, crashed on the couch and started watching COPS. Casually he pulled out some K and did a line right off the coffee table. He’s not a bad person and is your run-of-the-mill fuck up, but he has been in so much trouble he was at a point being chased by two police helicopters.
Adderall
This stuff is like coke for rich kids. It’s a mixture of 4 different kinds of amphetamine salts, and it get’s you jazzed- supposedly. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about people who’ve taken it and gone on to perform incredible feats of human strength and endurance. Which is cool; I’d love to Hulk-out and run 5 miles and then wrestle a pack of wolves without getting tired, but when I took some (thank you, K friend) I just sat at my desk and counted out loud the 68 beats/min my heart was pounding. Maybe I should have had a goal or task or something.
Keyboard Cleaners
I don’t have to say shit because this video, on top of saying it all, is probably the biggest piece of Schandenfreude in existence. Thank you, A&E’s Intervention.
Methadone
This pisses me off. How can you say something that’s already been said perfectly? This is what happens when you have a book report and you only read the cliff notes. Well, I made it through high school English, I can write this. I know! I’ll write this the same way I passed English, by copying the cliff notes. This is an excerpt from Vice Magazine’s Guide to Rehab: “Is there a substitute for heroin? AA will tell you it’s a “higher power of your choosing.” Religion will say it’s God. Your brain will tell you it’s food, sex, and money. Every state hospital and social worker in the world will tell you it’s METHADONE. It’s an opiate that’s taken orally, so you don’t get the rush from shooting or sniffing it. Once you’re high, though, it pretty much feels like smack. And methadone totally does cure your dope habit—by giving you a whole new addiction that is way, way harder to kick! I have friends who did heroin for 2 years and methadone for the next 12. You know when you see junkies on the street with their hair and teeth falling out? It’s mostly from methadone, not heroin. On heroin you’ll pick at your face and such, but it certainly doesn’t make your teeth fall out. Since doctors regulate the methadone high, you can stay hooked on it forever. Do heroin for too long, with its wildly varying quality from bag to bag, and eventually you’re going to OD.”
Jeremy isn’t lying when he says he can’t help it. He is a Chocoholic (in addition to having Type 1 Diabetes). He is addicted to chocolate. If the urges inside him are suppressed long enough, he can go into withdrawal and die. Sure, his parents will be sad for like, a week, and the rest of the general public will be all, “hey, yeah man that’s fucked up but now I want some chocolate”, but all of this is a microcosm for the world of drug addiction.
If you have an “edgy” friend, you know, the one that LOVES Family Guy, says he would have gay sex with Jesus Christ because Jesus loves him and tells a version of the Aristocrats joke involving an aborted fetus, you know 3 things are missing from their lexicon (vocab); racial stuff because they’re scared, humor, and proper drug references. It’s always heroin, crack, meth, heroin, crack, meth, heroin, crack, meth. Pro-tip: dude, calling meth The Ice is way funnier. I’m going to run a mini gamut of lesser-known drugs and their accompanying addictions so your stupid friend can have some fresh material.
(and to inform the public, prevent deaths, save children blah blah blah yadda yadda)
Ketamine
Would you ever eat dog food? Probably not. So don’t take dog medicine. Ketamine, along with garden variety tranqs are the main reasons drug addicts break into veterinary clinics. This stuff is pretty heavy, acting on some parts of the brain and even different parts if taken in strong enough doses. It’s like having your brain ripped in half. One time I was smoking with a friend of mine. We went back to his parents place, crashed on the couch and started watching COPS. Casually he pulled out some K and did a line right off the coffee table. He’s not a bad person and is your run-of-the-mill fuck up, but he has been in so much trouble he was at a point being chased by two police helicopters.
Adderall
This stuff is like coke for rich kids. It’s a mixture of 4 different kinds of amphetamine salts, and it get’s you jazzed- supposedly. I’ve heard all sorts of stories about people who’ve taken it and gone on to perform incredible feats of human strength and endurance. Which is cool; I’d love to Hulk-out and run 5 miles and then wrestle a pack of wolves without getting tired, but when I took some (thank you, K friend) I just sat at my desk and counted out loud the 68 beats/min my heart was pounding. Maybe I should have had a goal or task or something.
Keyboard Cleaners
I don’t have to say shit because this video, on top of saying it all, is probably the biggest piece of Schandenfreude in existence. Thank you, A&E’s Intervention.
Methadone
This pisses me off. How can you say something that’s already been said perfectly? This is what happens when you have a book report and you only read the cliff notes. Well, I made it through high school English, I can write this. I know! I’ll write this the same way I passed English, by copying the cliff notes. This is an excerpt from Vice Magazine’s Guide to Rehab: “Is there a substitute for heroin? AA will tell you it’s a “higher power of your choosing.” Religion will say it’s God. Your brain will tell you it’s food, sex, and money. Every state hospital and social worker in the world will tell you it’s METHADONE. It’s an opiate that’s taken orally, so you don’t get the rush from shooting or sniffing it. Once you’re high, though, it pretty much feels like smack. And methadone totally does cure your dope habit—by giving you a whole new addiction that is way, way harder to kick! I have friends who did heroin for 2 years and methadone for the next 12. You know when you see junkies on the street with their hair and teeth falling out? It’s mostly from methadone, not heroin. On heroin you’ll pick at your face and such, but it certainly doesn’t make your teeth fall out. Since doctors regulate the methadone high, you can stay hooked on it forever. Do heroin for too long, with its wildly varying quality from bag to bag, and eventually you’re going to OD.”
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