This past Saturday Chris, the bartender over at the Arlington Cinema Draft House side lounge quit (under advice of some of the comics). Why? Because he was making dog shit working there, that’s why. Bartending in DC he could make $800-$1,000 on a weekend; he’d make that working a whole week at the draft house, if he was lucky. It seems the only time he made any good scratch there was during Saturday’s open mic.
Well if he was so keen on listening to one comic, maybe he should listen to another and heed my advice; offer customers something new. Something exciting. Something cheap and outrageously priced. Maybe some modern drinks. Like, ultra-modern. Like drinks of the not-so-distant future.
Aztec, aka El Dorado
3 parts Tequila
2 parts Goldschlager
1 part triple sec (garnish with lime slice)
A variant of the margarita. Bold yet refreshing, this drink gets you pretty riled up to the point of wanting to sacrifice someone to some non-existent pagan god. That is unless you have already converted to Catholicism, in which case the drink is now called el Altar de Christo.
Princess Diana, aka, Lady Di
1 glass red wine (Bordeaux, Burgundy, Languedoc)
1 shot of Beefeater Gin
What better way to commemorate the life of a wonderful human being and humanitarian than combining metaphors for her proud, clear, dry British resolve with her untimely end as a stain in a Paris tunnel? If you didn’t cry when you heard about her passing then you will when you drink one of these.
Poor Man’s Wine, aka, Hobo Wine
2 parts Vodka
3 parts Grape Juice
There are certain dickheads in the world called Sommeliers. They, like people selling self-help books, build their entire careers on a steaming pile of bullshit. A sommelier is a wine expert, and it’s their job to tell you what wine goes with what, which flavors (“notes”) are hidden in each one, what’s a good year, blah blah blah, and basically make you feel stupid for not knowing as much as their Asperger’s wealth of knowledge. It’s all nonsense. Make your own wine, is what I say. Most wine is pretty gnarly. I want to chug mine. Hey, I used to chug grape juice all the time when I was 5 and it was out of my sippy cup. Vodka’s neutral taste makes it ideal for mixing drinks. Hmm. If there was just some sort of logical step I could take that would combine the two…shit. Oh wait, I know. Combine the two.
Po’ Man’s Wine, aka, Juice? Nigga What the Fuck Is Juice?!
2 parts Vodka
3 parts tap water
1 packet of Shasta Grape Drink Mix powder
If you are a real “gangsta” you’ll forgo the water and mix the powder with vodka. Otherwise you’re just white.
Virgin Mimosa
Orange Juice
Given as a joke or to be enjoyed with breakfast (personally, I like it after I’ve eaten a lot of greasy Chinese food)
Well if he was so keen on listening to one comic, maybe he should listen to another and heed my advice; offer customers something new. Something exciting. Something cheap and outrageously priced. Maybe some modern drinks. Like, ultra-modern. Like drinks of the not-so-distant future.
Aztec, aka El Dorado
3 parts Tequila
2 parts Goldschlager
1 part triple sec (garnish with lime slice)
A variant of the margarita. Bold yet refreshing, this drink gets you pretty riled up to the point of wanting to sacrifice someone to some non-existent pagan god. That is unless you have already converted to Catholicism, in which case the drink is now called el Altar de Christo.
Princess Diana, aka, Lady Di
1 glass red wine (Bordeaux, Burgundy, Languedoc)
1 shot of Beefeater Gin
What better way to commemorate the life of a wonderful human being and humanitarian than combining metaphors for her proud, clear, dry British resolve with her untimely end as a stain in a Paris tunnel? If you didn’t cry when you heard about her passing then you will when you drink one of these.
Poor Man’s Wine, aka, Hobo Wine
2 parts Vodka
3 parts Grape Juice
There are certain dickheads in the world called Sommeliers. They, like people selling self-help books, build their entire careers on a steaming pile of bullshit. A sommelier is a wine expert, and it’s their job to tell you what wine goes with what, which flavors (“notes”) are hidden in each one, what’s a good year, blah blah blah, and basically make you feel stupid for not knowing as much as their Asperger’s wealth of knowledge. It’s all nonsense. Make your own wine, is what I say. Most wine is pretty gnarly. I want to chug mine. Hey, I used to chug grape juice all the time when I was 5 and it was out of my sippy cup. Vodka’s neutral taste makes it ideal for mixing drinks. Hmm. If there was just some sort of logical step I could take that would combine the two…shit. Oh wait, I know. Combine the two.
Po’ Man’s Wine, aka, Juice? Nigga What the Fuck Is Juice?!
2 parts Vodka
3 parts tap water
1 packet of Shasta Grape Drink Mix powder
If you are a real “gangsta” you’ll forgo the water and mix the powder with vodka. Otherwise you’re just white.
Virgin Mimosa
Orange Juice
Given as a joke or to be enjoyed with breakfast (personally, I like it after I’ve eaten a lot of greasy Chinese food)
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