I Already Broke My New Years Resolutions

I wish life were like the movies. That way I can be like Jim Carrey, my hero, and resolve to change my life for the better, forever. Just like my hero. Jim Carrey.

Jim Carrey is my hero.

And that’s what life is all about. You’re supposed to wake up one day, lets say New Years day (waking up, by the way, from your 4 hours of gut-retching, delirious sleep you got on the floor of your friends bathroom), look through the puke encrusted mirror into your soul and say, “you know what? My life is FUCKED and I’m going to do something about it!” It’s tradition; you throw off your pair of soiled, hole filled underwear that is 2008 and pick up a fresh pair of all cotton 2009 snugness from Target and promise not to shit in these until, at the earliest, October. Well I may not have shit in 2009 but I definitely got a few skid marks in them.

I have to make several resolutions per year because I know I’m going to break a lot of them. This is in the hopes that at least 1, God willing 2, will make it past my error and I actually become a better person. It’s the “throw enough shit against the wall” theory of self improvement. Here’s what I broke and why. Most of these, I think, begin with the word “stop”, which just shows you just how good my habits are.

1. Stop Looking Like Jeff Goldblum Fucked Harry Potter. It’s the same resolution I make every year, and every year I make it exactly 0 seconds past midnight.

2. Stop Trying To Have Sex With Lesbians, Girls Who Want to Get Married, and Crazy Girls in General. Self explanatory, even if it’s a bit redundant. I tried to have sex with a lesbian in my car in front of the bowling alley. It’s the first time I ever saw a chick with mullet.

3. Stop Making My Mom Cry. I told her about the lesbian experience.

4. Stop Saying “Nigger”, “Nigga”, “My Shnegro”, and “Coloreds”. This one was not fair. I went to visit my friend Anthony, who lives in Georgetown and goes to GW med school. On the way over I was listening to my Richard Pryor comedy tape. Yes, tape. Title of the album? “That Nigga’s Crazy!” I’m over at Anthony’s and he’s introducing me to his med friends. The whole time I’m thinking, “Oh God, don’t say the word Nigger. Don’t say Nigger. Please…don’t say the goddamn word Nigger…” I get introduced to exchange student Christian from Ghana. “Whas up, my friend?” he asks me and sticks out his hand. I grab it and respond, “Nothing much, my ni-colored.”

5. Be Nicer to My Puppy. That huge fucker. He’s a Great Dane, 7 months old, over 100lbs and stupid as hell. He’s a about as smart as the people who appear on the Steve Wilko’s show. That monster ripped open a bag of garbage and went to town. What would you do? Pet it? Try to explain in human words why he was naughy? No you beat the shit out of it. Of course I felt bad but he forgot about the whole incident after like 20 minutes.

6. Stop Harassing Student Drivers. Hard habit to kick but its just soooo fun. If they don’t like getting cut off or tailgated then they should get off the road or learn how to drive like the rest of us.