Ice Sports
I would have just said “Ice Hockey” for this one but it’s simply not true. The NHL has been integrating more and more black people, or is it more and more black people have been integrating themselves into the NHL? Either way, they are all badass, good at fighting, and reason #4 on my top 10 list on why hockey fucking rules. Speaking in more general terms, it’s hard to find someone whose skin isn’t as translucent as the rink to attach to blades to their feet and twirl around out there. Michelle Kwan is Asian, but remember what I said about albinos? She counts.
Jesus Christ
Is he black or is he white? We’re going to figure this out once and for all.
Black: There were no whites in the Middle East back then, born in a barn, and walked on water (blacks don’t swim)
White: About a million pictures of white Jesus, God is white, and church says he’s white.
Um…gonna have to go with white on this one based solely on the fact that if I didn’t it would totally fuck up this whole ABC’s of white people list I’m making.
KKK
Talk about a honky convention. Yes, these guys are stupid, racist, inbred hicks who can barely work a shotgun and run around in white sheets pretending to be ghosts. But I have a question. What’s with the giant cross burnings? I get that they hate blacks but what is it supposed to symbolize? Confusion on what religions to hate? Aren’t these people Protestant? They hate Jews and Catholics. So is the cross supposed to be like this big, ominous warning of Hell for Jews, or are they just saying “fuck you” to Catholics and their messiah, which they also believe in? What stupid assholes. Fuck the lot of them.
Lattes
God forbid they don’t have their espresso enema in the morning. This stuff is crack for whites (both are stimulants, fyi). They “need” one to make it through the day. They love its rich, smooth, mellow flavor. The aroma of finely ground Moka mixed with warm, rich, creamery milk. A heavenly scent…the unmistakable…the…the…
…
…
…
…[Mark went to get a latte – ed.]
Medieval Times
An era of fast times, and even faster women. Of white hot passion, and white hot women. Wait. None of that makes sense. I guess if you like horses, eating with your hands, inferior technology, a caste system, and ugly clothing, this stuff is for you. You should check out its futuristic equivalent: the sci-fi convention.
Narcotics Officers
37th president of the United States Richard Milhous Nixon became the biggest buzz-kill in history when he first used the term “War on Drugs” to describe his little prohibition campaign. Weed and other drugs that were never worth doing suddenly became faux pas. Someone had to go out there and enforce the rules. Only a select group of men volunteered (and continue to do so). They all never really had a friend. They all uneventfully grew up, married the first girl that would sleep with them, and churned out a slew of jaded, resentful kids. They span the range of builds from average to husky. They all have mustaches and think Serpico is a God. The only music they listen to is Elvis. They don’t laugh because they don’t know how to. And most importantly they all have never seen a single drug in their life. Send them into East Harlem and Anacostia. Time to clean those dumps up!
Oppression
This and white people go hand in hand. Like butter on white bread (with a cool glass of milk to wash it all down. Mmmm). There isn’t a culture alive that has not been touched by the cleansing hand of Europe/USA. Ever hear of a boat full of Polynesians landing in Madagascar and setting up a sweat shop? Hell no it just doesn’t happen. We have fucked over every race on the planet: Latinos, Indians, American Indians, Eskimos, Abos, African Americans, Africans (living in the most fucked continent ever), Arabs, Persians, Asians, South East Asians, and even other whites when they got sick of wanderlust. Every race and culture is violent, but whites are violent on a global scale. Somehow they discovered early on that if you make the rules then you don’t have to play fair. This whole thing can be summed up in a little phrase called Manifest Destiny.
Polka
Ugh
Queen
Finally! Something good. This is probably one of the best bands of all time and if you’re not down with Bohemian Rhapsody or We Will Rock You then you need to seriously check your friends list and make sure it still exists.
I would have just said “Ice Hockey” for this one but it’s simply not true. The NHL has been integrating more and more black people, or is it more and more black people have been integrating themselves into the NHL? Either way, they are all badass, good at fighting, and reason #4 on my top 10 list on why hockey fucking rules. Speaking in more general terms, it’s hard to find someone whose skin isn’t as translucent as the rink to attach to blades to their feet and twirl around out there. Michelle Kwan is Asian, but remember what I said about albinos? She counts.
Jesus Christ
Is he black or is he white? We’re going to figure this out once and for all.
Black: There were no whites in the Middle East back then, born in a barn, and walked on water (blacks don’t swim)
White: About a million pictures of white Jesus, God is white, and church says he’s white.
Um…gonna have to go with white on this one based solely on the fact that if I didn’t it would totally fuck up this whole ABC’s of white people list I’m making.
KKK
Talk about a honky convention. Yes, these guys are stupid, racist, inbred hicks who can barely work a shotgun and run around in white sheets pretending to be ghosts. But I have a question. What’s with the giant cross burnings? I get that they hate blacks but what is it supposed to symbolize? Confusion on what religions to hate? Aren’t these people Protestant? They hate Jews and Catholics. So is the cross supposed to be like this big, ominous warning of Hell for Jews, or are they just saying “fuck you” to Catholics and their messiah, which they also believe in? What stupid assholes. Fuck the lot of them.
Lattes
God forbid they don’t have their espresso enema in the morning. This stuff is crack for whites (both are stimulants, fyi). They “need” one to make it through the day. They love its rich, smooth, mellow flavor. The aroma of finely ground Moka mixed with warm, rich, creamery milk. A heavenly scent…the unmistakable…the…the…
…
…
…
…[Mark went to get a latte – ed.]
Medieval Times
An era of fast times, and even faster women. Of white hot passion, and white hot women. Wait. None of that makes sense. I guess if you like horses, eating with your hands, inferior technology, a caste system, and ugly clothing, this stuff is for you. You should check out its futuristic equivalent: the sci-fi convention.
Narcotics Officers
37th president of the United States Richard Milhous Nixon became the biggest buzz-kill in history when he first used the term “War on Drugs” to describe his little prohibition campaign. Weed and other drugs that were never worth doing suddenly became faux pas. Someone had to go out there and enforce the rules. Only a select group of men volunteered (and continue to do so). They all never really had a friend. They all uneventfully grew up, married the first girl that would sleep with them, and churned out a slew of jaded, resentful kids. They span the range of builds from average to husky. They all have mustaches and think Serpico is a God. The only music they listen to is Elvis. They don’t laugh because they don’t know how to. And most importantly they all have never seen a single drug in their life. Send them into East Harlem and Anacostia. Time to clean those dumps up!
Oppression
This and white people go hand in hand. Like butter on white bread (with a cool glass of milk to wash it all down. Mmmm). There isn’t a culture alive that has not been touched by the cleansing hand of Europe/USA. Ever hear of a boat full of Polynesians landing in Madagascar and setting up a sweat shop? Hell no it just doesn’t happen. We have fucked over every race on the planet: Latinos, Indians, American Indians, Eskimos, Abos, African Americans, Africans (living in the most fucked continent ever), Arabs, Persians, Asians, South East Asians, and even other whites when they got sick of wanderlust. Every race and culture is violent, but whites are violent on a global scale. Somehow they discovered early on that if you make the rules then you don’t have to play fair. This whole thing can be summed up in a little phrase called Manifest Destiny.
Polka
Ugh
Queen
Finally! Something good. This is probably one of the best bands of all time and if you’re not down with Bohemian Rhapsody or We Will Rock You then you need to seriously check your friends list and make sure it still exists.
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