Rastafarianism
Whoa whoa whoa, wait a sec. Are you telling me that a religion that was created by blacks, practiced by Jamaicans, states that the emperor of Ethiopia is the incarnation of God, practices the spiritual use of marijuana, and calls the western world “Babylon” is a thing of white people? Yes. Yes yes a thousand times yes. Ask yourself this. When was the last time you stepped into a black kid’s dorm room and saw a Marley poster? They’re too busy painting their own posters and fucking to give a damn about that pot-addled, barely coherent, dead man. It’s only white kids who grew up in a snow globe who really embrace that stuff. Let’s not kid ourselves here. Rastafarianism is fun; I’ll find any excuse to smoke. But it is by no means brilliant.
Scandinavia
If African-Americans came from Africa, and Asian-Americans came from Asia, then where do Caucasian-Americans come from? I cannot find Caucasia anywhere on a map. But if I HAD to guess, it would be Scandinavia, only because that’s where the best white people on Earth come from. No one is a dick, the women are knock-out dead gorgeous, they invented the world’s first robot out of clock parts 150 years ago, and it’s basically a winter wonderland. If and when American chokes on the vomit of capitalism and sinks into the annals of history right next to the Mongolian, Roman, Spanish and British empires, I’m moving to Scandinavia. Finally be able to go to a dentist and find out why my gums are always bleeding on some of that free, socialized health care.
Trailer Park Boys
Over the past few years white trash has been turning a dingy kind of color thanks to the influence of “urban” culture being played constantly on MTV, so you have hicks driving around trailer parks in Tennessee with 20” spinning rims and gold fronts. But this concept of poor stupid white people should not be lost forever. There is a bastion for such unmitigated hilarity, and it’s called Canada. Trailer Park Boys is a Canadian TV show (fiction, dude), that follows the lives of Julian, Ricky and Bubbles, 3 poor, stupid and hilarious white guys who are constantly coming up with money making schemes. This usually involves breaking the law, so needless to say they spend a lot of time in jail. Pot smoking is systemic. If this place where real it would be a poor man’s Scandinavia.
Ultraviolet Light
This stuff is like kryptonite for whites, and God help you if you’re Irish. How genetically disadvantaged are you if you get taken out by the freaking sun? Being nocturnal wouldn’t be that bad; get to party all night and feast on blood, but too bad our eyesight sucks so bad we would get taking out by everything else that goes bump in the night. So fun in the sun it is. UV light causes direct damage to DNA, which is fine. Punish it for being inferior (if I could draw a big red arrow from the end of this sentence to the beginning of the second one I totally would). Some people can produce melanin to protect them from the sun. My grandma is one of those people. She is the daughter of Polish immigrants and lived in Canada most of her life. She now lives in Florida and somehow, her skin looks like a piece of leather. But she’s my nana. Love ya, nana. And I hate getting sunburned. Fuck you, UV light.
Viewing the World through Other’s Eyes
Not as great a thing as it sounds. For one thing, you learn Chinese people think we are “fat and sentimental”, and that America “smells like hamburger”. Africans and middle easterners call us The White Devil and The Great Satan, respectively. Oh yeah? Yeah?! Well…fuck ‘em. They’re dicks. w00t w00t <3<3<3
Weird Al Yankovic
This guy’s pretty white. And hey! He plays the accordion! Alright. Cool. (side note: I thought he died years ago or something but nope. He’s alive. Also, UHF was not a terrible movie).
Xtreme Sports
I’m not talking about skateboarding or motocross. I’m talking about stuff like jumping from sky scrapers and professional glass eating. Stuff that amounts to playing Chicken on train tracks. Ignore, for two seconds, the fact that most of these people are bored white kids from the suburbs who are desperate for something, anything, to stimulate them like a counterweight against their humdrum upbringing. These people are pioneers. They are brave visionaries, boldly attempting the impossible. They’re like astronauts if there weren’t any I.Q. requirements.
“Yes We Did”
- Every minority and ~50% of white people on Nov.- wait. I already made this joke. How about “Y am I still writting when I have obviously run out of shit to talk about?”
Zippity-Do-Dah
This is the most racist shit I have ever seen, and it was made to entertain white children. “Oh look at that old colored negro. They all sing songs and talk like morons because we keep them out of your school for your own safety. But don’t worry they make excellent nannies.” Yeah, I’ve said some off-color remarks about blacks and all races for that matter but shit. This is a little blog that like 2 people even know exist. I’m not Walt Disney, here. And I’m only kidding (half kidding).
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