Your Carnival Cruise ship hits another Carnival Cruise ship (but it’s shaped like an iceberg) and goes down in the South Pacific. You wash up on the shore of a deserted island where you spend the rest of your days talking to garbage and writing Christina Aguilera lyrics and throwing them out to sea in bottles.
You wake up one morning from your night with Mr. Jack Daniels only to find the entire population of the Americas has been decimated by a mutated rabies virus. You spend the rest of your days stealing, then crashing, and then stealing more Mercedes luxury sedans and eating twinkies.
Your on-again-off-again girlfriend sleeps with your best friend and then has the audacity to break up with you but for real this time (the nerve!). Suddenly, volunteering for a position in a remote Antarctic post doesn’t seem that bad. You spend the rest of your short, crazy days jerking off at the penguin colony next to your shack.
You get really, really high one night, watch Into the Wild, and think, “man…I gotta…I gotta…I need to do this shit. This is…is…like...he’s got it all figured out, man.” You fly out to the Alaskan wilderness where you spend the rest of your days living like a cross between Survivor Man and a hobo.
See? Isolation is fun!
You arrive at work the morning after a huge ice storm that incapacitates the entire state. And you’re the sole person in the office…
What do you do?
1. Raid the kitchenette fridge – That’s where all the good stuff is. None of it belongs to you, and that’s half the reason it tastes so good. It’s where Fat Cathy keeps her “secret” reserve of chocolate donut holes. That’s where the leftover pizza from Monday’s meeting is kept. Oh you didn’t get any at the meeting? How silly of me, of course you didn’t get any! You’re only a temp. Yeah, well, now this temp is king. King I say! King of the office! Gimme that fucking shitty Lito pizza!
You wake up one morning from your night with Mr. Jack Daniels only to find the entire population of the Americas has been decimated by a mutated rabies virus. You spend the rest of your days stealing, then crashing, and then stealing more Mercedes luxury sedans and eating twinkies.
Your on-again-off-again girlfriend sleeps with your best friend and then has the audacity to break up with you but for real this time (the nerve!). Suddenly, volunteering for a position in a remote Antarctic post doesn’t seem that bad. You spend the rest of your short, crazy days jerking off at the penguin colony next to your shack.
You get really, really high one night, watch Into the Wild, and think, “man…I gotta…I gotta…I need to do this shit. This is…is…like...he’s got it all figured out, man.” You fly out to the Alaskan wilderness where you spend the rest of your days living like a cross between Survivor Man and a hobo.
See? Isolation is fun!
You arrive at work the morning after a huge ice storm that incapacitates the entire state. And you’re the sole person in the office…
What do you do?
1. Raid the kitchenette fridge – That’s where all the good stuff is. None of it belongs to you, and that’s half the reason it tastes so good. It’s where Fat Cathy keeps her “secret” reserve of chocolate donut holes. That’s where the leftover pizza from Monday’s meeting is kept. Oh you didn’t get any at the meeting? How silly of me, of course you didn’t get any! You’re only a temp. Yeah, well, now this temp is king. King I say! King of the office! Gimme that fucking shitty Lito pizza!
2. Sit in your boss’ chair –Who’s the boss now? I am! All of you get back to work! Who are you talking to? The office. But no one’s here. It’s just you. What? You’re talking to yourself. No I’m not. Yes you are. Shut up. You are a fucking crazy person. Shut up! You’ve gone ku-ku la bamba loony tunes on me. Get out of my office! I can help you! I don’t want your help! I want you got get back to work! Help me help you, which is actually me! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!!!
3. Unplug the mouse and keyboard from the back of your boss’s computer – This is hysterical because you know tomorrow there’s going to be 3 IT guys standing there going “uh, next time you might want to check to see if everything’s plugged in before you call us out here (you inept old man)”
4. Strut down the halls naked – And I do mean strut. Feels good, man. Really does. You’re gross and a liar. You didn’t do that today and you never will. I told you to shut the fuck up and go back to work! You’re a fucking crazy person! Get out of my office!!!
5. Enjoy a liquid lunch – Being drunk at work can be both one of the worst and one of the best feelings ever. It sucks when you’re like a bus driver or a doctor, but if you’re just some jackass college grad, you can put your feet up and realize you’re drunk, you’re watching TV online, and being paid to do so. Life is sweet.
6. Keep a diary of your insane thoughts – blog
1 comment:
gold, mark gold.
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