Barack Obama will soon become our 44th president of the United States of America. And yeah, he’s our first black president. Sorta. We all know his Kenya dad and Kansas mom, yadda yadda, mutt, hurf-a-durf. Obama’s black side is rich with strife and culture, uniquely American and a verification that dreams can come true through hard work and common sense, both The American dream and Dr. King’s dream. A true triumph.
But what about his white side? What do we really know about it? I mean, common, this guy is still a total mystery, which means I still don’t trust him. It’s high time we unwrap this riddle of a conundrum of a puzzle of a Rubik’s cube that we call Whites.
Albinos
How can you tell if you’re white? Well, store managers will tell you to come on into their store and take your time. Sociologists will tell you some stuff that I can’t really repeat because I don’t listen to sociologists (lying, thieving rapists, all of them). Everyone else will say “your skin is white!” Doye. Race is a social construct established through shared physical features that are in no way heterozygous dominant. In fact alleles that determine race have incomplete dominance. A red rose crossed with a white rose will make a pink rose (gay). That’s why albinos are so damn white. It’s like they took genetics and went “PSHWAAAM! No screw you!” They are like the ultimate white people because they’re freaks of nature.
Beaver, Leave it to
Watch any black comedian and he will do a joke which compares whites to blacks. In it whites are always dopey, hokey, uptight in an “Ah, shucks!” kind of way. This is epitomized in the 50’s TV show Leave it to Beaver. Too bad families like the Beavers’ never existed. Ever. Common, we were in the Cold War and propaganda was our biggest weapon. Saying something became more powerful than actually doing something, so saying “hey, this is a typical American house and look how fucking awesome and well off they are” was like giving a smelly, poor ass, heathen USSR the finger. Plus it gave our white middle class something unrealistic to shoot for. Like how Barbie dolls give girls an unrealistic standard of beauty. Same thing, but for an entire class of people. Now, if you were a white, middle class girl growing up in the 50’s…
Crackers
Mike Birbiglia
Dairy Products
White people first walked the earth 8000 years ago in Europe. Before that they were blacks from Africa. In Europe they discovered 2 things. 1) it was cold as balls and 2) plants don’t grow in the cold. You make due with what you have, which means drinking lots and lots of fatty milk. This eventually turned them white, and that was beneficial because it helped camouflage them from Snow Yetis. White people love milk and cheese and will eat it on everything. One time, my buddy Adi and I got really baked and ended up eating dinner with his family and visiting relatives from India. His aunt told me that Indians don’t get osteoporosis because Indians don’t drink as much dairy as whites (and I think she mentioned something about Indians being from a particularly healthy stalk, or how Indian medicine was superior or something. I don’t remember. I was pretty gone). But, don’t Indians eat a lot of yogurt, and isn’t yogurt a dairy product? Aren’t Indians technically Caucasian? Don't they have bones? Someone give me a research grant.
Election Day
“Yes We Did! Yes We Did! Yes We Did! Yes We Did!” – Every minority and ~50% of whites on Nov. 4, 2008
“…fuuuuuuuuck…” – the other 50%
Friends
Only white people watch this show. It’s about a group of jackasses living in New York City who say horribly unfunny things but they get to screw each other, because they’re friends, and good times are had by all. To point out the elephant in the room, for a show that takes place in a major US metropolitan area, they never showed one single minority. That’s how white this show is. They segregated reality from fiction. The show also featured a laugh track.
Gentrification
This past summer in London I crashed some random house party in Hackney. It was fun. Nothing but a bunch of white students getting drunk. They started talking about how a few days ago there was a stabbing down the street, and how they didn’t feel safe with all the minorities (African immigrants, actually really nice people). I mentioned how I was from DC and shootings happen every single day. One said “Yeah I heard about that! There are some areas where you can’t even walk without being in danger!” All of a sudden I became Sgt. Hardcore Badass: Warrior of the Streets. “Yeah that’s right, man. You better watch yourself when you’re in my town!” I didn’t tell them I was actually from NOVA. The next day my sister took me to the Portobello Road Market where all these trendy hipsters were selling fedoras and scarves. She told me that like 10 years ago, this street used to be THE hood in London. This story relates to gentrification somehow, I just know it. All I know is I got some girls number at that party and that makes me happy.
Hitler
Nothing says white like trying to build an Aryan nation that will last 1000 years. And preaching your own genetic superiority. And eliminating all threats to your white utopian society. And being a colossal dick. And having that stupid fucking little mustache. And being German.
“The capital of North Dakota is named after this German leader”
*buzz!* “Hitler!”
“Hitler, North Dakota?”
But what about his white side? What do we really know about it? I mean, common, this guy is still a total mystery, which means I still don’t trust him. It’s high time we unwrap this riddle of a conundrum of a puzzle of a Rubik’s cube that we call Whites.
Albinos
How can you tell if you’re white? Well, store managers will tell you to come on into their store and take your time. Sociologists will tell you some stuff that I can’t really repeat because I don’t listen to sociologists (lying, thieving rapists, all of them). Everyone else will say “your skin is white!” Doye. Race is a social construct established through shared physical features that are in no way heterozygous dominant. In fact alleles that determine race have incomplete dominance. A red rose crossed with a white rose will make a pink rose (gay). That’s why albinos are so damn white. It’s like they took genetics and went “PSHWAAAM! No screw you!” They are like the ultimate white people because they’re freaks of nature.
Beaver, Leave it to
Watch any black comedian and he will do a joke which compares whites to blacks. In it whites are always dopey, hokey, uptight in an “Ah, shucks!” kind of way. This is epitomized in the 50’s TV show Leave it to Beaver. Too bad families like the Beavers’ never existed. Ever. Common, we were in the Cold War and propaganda was our biggest weapon. Saying something became more powerful than actually doing something, so saying “hey, this is a typical American house and look how fucking awesome and well off they are” was like giving a smelly, poor ass, heathen USSR the finger. Plus it gave our white middle class something unrealistic to shoot for. Like how Barbie dolls give girls an unrealistic standard of beauty. Same thing, but for an entire class of people. Now, if you were a white, middle class girl growing up in the 50’s…
Crackers
Mike Birbiglia
Dairy Products
White people first walked the earth 8000 years ago in Europe. Before that they were blacks from Africa. In Europe they discovered 2 things. 1) it was cold as balls and 2) plants don’t grow in the cold. You make due with what you have, which means drinking lots and lots of fatty milk. This eventually turned them white, and that was beneficial because it helped camouflage them from Snow Yetis. White people love milk and cheese and will eat it on everything. One time, my buddy Adi and I got really baked and ended up eating dinner with his family and visiting relatives from India. His aunt told me that Indians don’t get osteoporosis because Indians don’t drink as much dairy as whites (and I think she mentioned something about Indians being from a particularly healthy stalk, or how Indian medicine was superior or something. I don’t remember. I was pretty gone). But, don’t Indians eat a lot of yogurt, and isn’t yogurt a dairy product? Aren’t Indians technically Caucasian? Don't they have bones? Someone give me a research grant.
Election Day
“Yes We Did! Yes We Did! Yes We Did! Yes We Did!” – Every minority and ~50% of whites on Nov. 4, 2008
“…fuuuuuuuuck…” – the other 50%
Friends
Only white people watch this show. It’s about a group of jackasses living in New York City who say horribly unfunny things but they get to screw each other, because they’re friends, and good times are had by all. To point out the elephant in the room, for a show that takes place in a major US metropolitan area, they never showed one single minority. That’s how white this show is. They segregated reality from fiction. The show also featured a laugh track.
Gentrification
This past summer in London I crashed some random house party in Hackney. It was fun. Nothing but a bunch of white students getting drunk. They started talking about how a few days ago there was a stabbing down the street, and how they didn’t feel safe with all the minorities (African immigrants, actually really nice people). I mentioned how I was from DC and shootings happen every single day. One said “Yeah I heard about that! There are some areas where you can’t even walk without being in danger!” All of a sudden I became Sgt. Hardcore Badass: Warrior of the Streets. “Yeah that’s right, man. You better watch yourself when you’re in my town!” I didn’t tell them I was actually from NOVA. The next day my sister took me to the Portobello Road Market where all these trendy hipsters were selling fedoras and scarves. She told me that like 10 years ago, this street used to be THE hood in London. This story relates to gentrification somehow, I just know it. All I know is I got some girls number at that party and that makes me happy.
Hitler
Nothing says white like trying to build an Aryan nation that will last 1000 years. And preaching your own genetic superiority. And eliminating all threats to your white utopian society. And being a colossal dick. And having that stupid fucking little mustache. And being German.
“The capital of North Dakota is named after this German leader”
*buzz!* “Hitler!”
“Hitler, North Dakota?”
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