Homeless People Have Shit to Say About Stuff

It’s true. These guys like jabber on and on and on and on…usually regardless of whether you want them to or not.

There are no bums in northern Virginia, so this conversation obviously took place across the river in smelly, bum-town DC which used to belong to smelly, bum-state Maryland. The man I talked to was none other than the legendary Charlie Scraggs, a man as epic as they come.

Charlie Scraggs: Hey my brotha! Brotha brotha brotha hold up a sec.

Me: Yeah?

Let me ask you a question

I don’t have any change, man.

Nah, man. See I don’t get off on that racist shit. We all just tryin’ to get by, you know what I’m sayin’? I don’t care if you black, or white, or Chinese or any of that shit, you know what I’m sayin’? You my white brotha, ya feel me?

…

What’s your name?

Tom [I lied]

Tom, you my white brotha-

Somehow I doubt that.

-see, thas the kinda shit I’m talkin’ ‘bout. See, when I was down in New Orleans after all that Katrina shit, and let me tell you, son, it was like a whole different scene, man.

How so?

Well for one thing, I didn’ have this here dog wif me [he does not have a dog with him]. I saved him from a burning boat that was burnin’ like a big ol’ BBQ just whooooosh! Ya feel me?

Where was this boat?

Shiii…9th ward, son. I was tryin’ to save this bitch I be fuckin’ but you know, I love her an all that but she lit one of ‘em big fucking *hand gestures a torch* [he’s talking about a flare] but this big fuckin’ wind came an’ knocked her out of da boat and went bam *claps* smack her head on a Texeco. Blood an’s shit an’ all that.

What did you do after that?

I climbed my ass in the boat wif this dog and all the water from God put it out. We stayed in that fuckin’ boat for 3 fuckin’ days, livin’ off catfish I catch wif my bare hands let me tell you. ‘Till finally I paddled that damn boat all the way to Houston.

That’s pretty far. Then what?

I opened up a hotdog stand. Yessirie. “Duke Ellington’s World Famous Hotdog Stand and Beer”. You can get a hotdog and a beer fo’ 2 dollas and just be sittin’ ‘round goin’ “Man, check me out. Ain’t I just the king of fools?” It was real good, son. Real good. ‘Till Duke Ellington showed up. He was like, “’Ey! Charlie Scraggs! The fuck you doin’ here in my town selling hotdogs and beer wif my name, nigga?” And Lord as my witness, that muthafucka may be blind as shit but he’s got a hook as straight and true as I’m here standin’ in Time Square with you here right now.

Right. Right. So what are you doing here in Time Square?

Thas the thing, man. I been to churches, to homes and ain’t none of these muthafuckas can get me any donations, ya feel me? ‘Cause like, my cousin was here startin’ all sorts of ruckus and shit, and like all he got me was this metro card thas got like 30 bucks on it, and I can’t eve use it at MacDonalds (sic) so if you give me 30 you can get this metro card.

I don’t have 30. I don’t even ride the metro all that oft-

Thas fine, thas fine. 20 then, but you gotta know you be fuckin’ over ol’ Scraggs here and I ain’t no bitch, ya feel me?

Look, I don’t have money to buy a metro card. I’ve got some change. You can have my change. That’s all I’ve got. Here.

Thank you, my brotha. God bless!