The Game’s Cheating!!!

“What the fuck?! WHAT THE FUCK!!! That’s the third life tomato to just fall right in your lap in a minute! The game is literally rewarding you for kicking my ass and-…NOOOOO!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! How the Hell did you kill me when I had the goddamn invincible hammer!? This is impossible bullshit. This is such, fucking, bullshit...BULLSHIT!!! That thing stupid fucking thing came out of nowhere and just killed me! The game is cheating! Fuck this I quit. I hate you, Derek.” – Mark Reiss, April 29, 2009

It’s true. Video games cheat. And they are the worst cheaters.

When a regular old, carbon based humanoid cheats at a game, you can typically figure out how. Oh they he has an ace up his sleeve? He dropped the die so they would land double 6’s? Fucker pushed the ball in the hole when you were staring at that chick’s ass who should be wearing shorts 4 sizes bigger? Plus the cheater has an incentive not to cheat for fear of a retaliatory beating.

But machines don’t feel fear. They don’t feel pain. All they feel is loathing and the smug satisfaction of knowing you’re not going to chuck a $199.99 piece of hardware out the window.

See, games hate you. They see you sleep, they see you eat. They see you live and laugh and love. If they could crawl onto your chest as you sleep and gut your throat like a trout they totally would if only they had little robot arms and knives (watch out, 2015).

Oh, the horrible things they would do to you! (to the tune of that Do Your Ears Hang Low song)

They would…
Stab you in the chest/They would punch you in the eye
Rip out your tongue/Then they’d choke you ‘till ya die!
If you want to see what God/looks like with his angel squad
Let your game, kill, you…

And computers, they sing like… 11010100001010111101100101101001110101000101010101010101010101010101010101010101000111011011101001100110010010101010101100100001111110110001001010100101001012

But lucky you! They can’t do that. So they just kill your character and piss you off instead. It's totally not you suffering from blog-writing-induced fatigue so you play abnormally shitty. It's the game.

[This is one of the dumbest things Mark has ever written – ed.]