Notable Gods of Thunder

Since our humble origins as French cave people, humans have always revered thunder. So much so that we worship the stuff. But not all thunder gods are equal. Some are more equal than others.

Thor
I call bullshit on him. Vikings worshiped this guy. Vikings; the 10th century murdering, pillaging, raping pirates whose idea of heaven is an eternity of murdering, pillaging and raping. So why is the Ultimate form of the Norse god of thunder a political and social activist who writes self-help books? I mean, common. He used to be a psychiatric nurse (nurse?!) Why not make the character a 110lb art history major that listens to Moby while you’re de-balling him? Dude should be a Hell’s Angel or an ex-fire fighter that responded to 9/11. Totally grizzled. Anyway, he wields the magic hammer Mjolnir that supposedly only allows select individuals to lift. But in Ultimate Avengers, Bruce Banner Hulked out so hard he actually lifted Mjolnir and chucked it in Thor’s face. Ultimate Thor sucks.

Jupiter
You have to give credit to the Romans when talking about Jupiter. It’s one thing to adopt another person’s religion; is another to straight up steal it. I hear this guy liked to get drunk and then either fuck his relatives, fuck humans, or fuck with humans. My kind of god. Nothing quite like getting struck by lightning and being reduced to a pile of smoldering ash just because some drunk asshole thought it was funny. To be fair, it was pretty funny. You should’ve seen the look on your face. I hear it’s the same face Venus makes when Jupiter sticks it in her butt. Boo-ya! Pass me more wine (I’m drunk as shit right now)

Raiden
The Chinese god of thunder as imagined by Japanese code writers, Raiden entered Mortal Kombat on several occasions to prevent the forces of dark from taking over Earthrealm (what?). For a god that can shoot lightning from his hands and teleport instantaneously, he sure is a pansy. Liu Kang (think Bruce Lee meets a celibate Jackie Chan) beat him by dropping an arcade machine on his head. Dude got his ass kicked by a virgin. Fatality. You know who else are virgins? (Most) 12 year olds.


R. Lee Ermey

Michael “Mickey” Goldmill
While technically not a god, “Mick” was a member of the South Philly Jewish Community, the holiest of holy tribes in the greater Philadelphia area. It’s been said his mastery over the elements was so great that he could teach A Rock to “eat lightning and crap thunder” in the face of the almighty god of Light and Sun; truth and prophecy; The King of Sting; The Count of Monte Fisto, Apollo Creed.

Lion-O
I don’t know what the hell a Thundercat does besides fight mummies and look like Ziggy Stardust made out with He-Man at a Siegfried and Roy show, but Lion-O is the leader of the tribe/pack/whatever. If you thought a buff cat man mincing around in a girl’s bathing suit wasn’t gay enough, he also has a friend named Snarff, calls children “thunderkittens” and is literally a man-child. Like, he was a kid, was cryogenically frozen, and then his body rapidly aged into Dr. Frankenfurter’s wet dream on fetish night. Since this show is dripping with latent homosexual undertones, I’m gonna go right ahead and assume that thunder is the show’s reference for cocks. “Thunder. Thunder! THUNDERCATS! HO!”

Brontosaurus
El Brontosaurus Terrible is spanish for The Terrible Thunder Lizard. That’s not a nice thing to call a creature with an obvious eating disorder. Dudes are fat. They can't help that. It’s a defense mechanism; if you're too fat for predators to get their jaws around then you won't be eaten. That's science. These guys were definitely the subject of Jurassic era yo momma jokes. “Bitch so big she can eat a T-rex”. “Bitch so big that when she walks it thunders.” Yes, those are retarded. No shit. But I didn’t write them. Fred Flintsone did. He wrote them while he was using a brontosaurus as a backhoe