How to Live a Green Life if You’re a Sex Offender

Living a greener life is becoming more popular. Being environmentally friendly is the way to go these days, and every industry is cleaning up. Even the dirty ones like oil companies, coal companies; they are all making an effort.

There are all these little tips and tricks on how to live greener that are lifestyle specific, but I feel as if one portion of the demographic is being left out. So that’s why I went ahead and came up with 4 simple and easy ways sex offenders can live a greener life. There is no reason why an inhumane monster has to be a polluting inhumane monster as well. If a woman has to be raped, let’s at least make sure she’s at least not Mother Nature.

Every sex offender is court ordered to notify neighbors that they have been naughty and put their dinks where they don’t belong. But don’t hand out paper notifications – email them! Why waste paper? 500,000 trees are cut down annually to notify the public they’re living next to a sex offender. Common, it is the 21st century. Today’s modern sex offender is technologically and environmentally savvy.

Every town has more than one sex offender. Start a network and carpool to your victims’ place. Those big, heavy rape vans eat a lot of gas, and your town does not need a whole fleet of them; it just needs one. The money you save on gas can be spent on such environmentally friendly products like rope made out of hemp or Bert’s Bees Vaseline.

It’s all about the three R’s: Reduce, reuse and recycle…your condoms. It’s important not to leave a DNA footprint, but it’s just as important not to leave a carbon footprint. Just turn a condom inside out and boom; you’ve just doubled its life. Just wash it out and you’re ready for round 2. Here’s an old wives tip: chloroform, which I’m sure every sex offender has, is also an eco-friendly cleaner.

This one is for all the pedophiles out there. Remember: Think globally, fuck locally. Did you know the average pedophile drives over 800 miles just to have sex with a child? That’s disgusting! Especially when there are kids, literally, within walking distance of their homes.

The moral of today’s entry: rape has a lot of consequences, known and unknown.

Oh and PS: DON’T RAPE ANYONE. BE GOOD.