Remember the first time you learned what a Cleveland Steamer was and you were like, “No way, man. That’s bullshit. You’re lying. Shut up. Shut up shut up (etc.)”? There are whole schools of esoteric sex positions you’ve never even heard of. Whole worlds, even. Worlds within worlds where people are just banging non-stop on the back of an elephant while listening to Kraftwerk. That has a name, too (German Circus). Naming a sex position is a lot like naming a star; if you discover it, you name it. Or you can call up NASA and purchase the naming rights. That’s how John Glen’s wife got to re-name the Dutch Oven the John Glen in 2007.We’ve all heard of Doggie style, but that’s not because some guy named Doug “Doggie” Rayburn wanted to screw and eat and watch TV all at the same time. Face it. Animals have already beaten us to the punch in discovering some of the fun-est physical acts anyone can engage in. What do Rob Schneider and The Bloodhound Gang have in common? They are both mediocre to shitty successes that advocate screwing like animals (re: The Animal and Bad Touch). Cool. I guess I’m now joining their ranks.
No, wait. That’s a bad thing. That’s a very bad thing.
Fuck.
Anyway, if I could embed music into the page, right here is where you would begin listening to Jungle Boogie.
Oh yeah. These are all gross as shit. Enjoy!
The Walrus
Starts off as normal head, but as soon as you blow your load, you grab the girl’s mouth with one hand and start tickling her with the other. The idea is to get her to laugh so hard that your jizz shoots out of her nose creating a pair of “love tusks”. Bonus points if the chick you nailed is a black BBW. With whiskers.
Starts off as normal head, but as soon as you blow your load, you grab the girl’s mouth with one hand and start tickling her with the other. The idea is to get her to laugh so hard that your jizz shoots out of her nose creating a pair of “love tusks”. Bonus points if the chick you nailed is a black BBW. With whiskers.
The Earwig Surprise
Finally, a move tailor made for the little guy. When your girl is asleep, whip your tiny pecker out and jam it in her ear. It tickles at first, but if you’re doing it right she should be in blinding pain soon. When she gets up and is all “What the fuck?!” tell her you just laid your eggs in her brain. A brood 300,000,000 strong.
Finally, a move tailor made for the little guy. When your girl is asleep, whip your tiny pecker out and jam it in her ear. It tickles at first, but if you’re doing it right she should be in blinding pain soon. When she gets up and is all “What the fuck?!” tell her you just laid your eggs in her brain. A brood 300,000,000 strong.
A Roy and Silo
Named after the famous gay penguin couple at the Central Park Zoo, this move is just regular gay sex. Just some normal, meat and potatoes, pop and pop sex. It’s named after them because, let’s face it, before those penguins there was no such thing as homosexuality. They invented it. Before them it was just called “Hey cut that out, Jerry.”
Named after the famous gay penguin couple at the Central Park Zoo, this move is just regular gay sex. Just some normal, meat and potatoes, pop and pop sex. It’s named after them because, let’s face it, before those penguins there was no such thing as homosexuality. They invented it. Before them it was just called “Hey cut that out, Jerry.”
Skunking
An unusual move that is best preformed under a queen-size blanket or in a closet, this is the combination of Doggie Style and the John Glen. Top it off with an erotic, sensual bath together in tomato juice. Or tomato paste. Whatever is on sale at whole foods.
An unusual move that is best preformed under a queen-size blanket or in a closet, this is the combination of Doggie Style and the John Glen. Top it off with an erotic, sensual bath together in tomato juice. Or tomato paste. Whatever is on sale at whole foods.
Cockodile
Ladies, if you want the ultimate sexual experience, the highest high, go fuck a crocodile. Talk about power. These guys are kings of the Nile; giant water lizard beats. A good substitute would be to take a guy and work his body over until he’s covered in scabs. Scabs all over. Use acid, use fire, road haul him. Whatever. Just don’t ruin his junk. Contrary to popular belief, crocodile garbage isn’t scaly; is as soft and tender as the baby lamb the crocodile is just absolutely destroying with its powerful jaws. When your man is all scabbed up, he’ll want to hate-fuck you. Let nature take its course, but it can’t hurt to sweeten the deal with a raw chicken.
Ladies, if you want the ultimate sexual experience, the highest high, go fuck a crocodile. Talk about power. These guys are kings of the Nile; giant water lizard beats. A good substitute would be to take a guy and work his body over until he’s covered in scabs. Scabs all over. Use acid, use fire, road haul him. Whatever. Just don’t ruin his junk. Contrary to popular belief, crocodile garbage isn’t scaly; is as soft and tender as the baby lamb the crocodile is just absolutely destroying with its powerful jaws. When your man is all scabbed up, he’ll want to hate-fuck you. Let nature take its course, but it can’t hurt to sweeten the deal with a raw chicken.
The Angry Pirate
Pirates aren’t animals. They are marauding cavemen in boats and that’s close enough to uncivilized as humans get. So this counts. Do whatever to your girl, but when you bust, bust in her eye (called Web Eye), kick her in the shin and then run for the door. When you look back, your girl should look like a one-eyed, peg-legged pirate chasing after you.
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