Old Asian Men Have Shit to Say About Stuff

I don’t know about you guys, but I’ve always wanted to know the secrets of the universe; to have the mysteries of time and existence be explained right before my very eyes by a man who is the human equivalent of Google. But instead of pulling up pictures of what Britney Spears’ vagina looks like (“sad”, it looks “sad”), I’m finding out shit like the irrefutable answers to centuries old ethical questions and when I’m going to die.

He’s an old Asian man that sits outside of my favorite strip mall Chinese food place, House of Mandarin, conveniently situated between a 7-11 and Dominos. It’s impossible to get a few answers out of him, like what’s his name, how old is he, and even what fucking country he’s from. Based on the fact he hangs out at the House of Mandarin, I’m gonna say he’s Chinese. I call him Grandfather because that’s what the House of Mandarin employees call him. Aaaaand…dude’s 1000 years old. Why not? To get the ball rolling, go to the 7-11 and bring him an offering of a pack of Philly Blunts. Then he will sing like you’re torturing him. But I get the distinct impression that this guy cannot be tortured. That if you tried to force a rare bird like this into a cage he will turn into dust and scatter in the wind. I read that in a fortune cookie. Also, my lucky numbers are 4, 5, 11, 18, 23, 25, 30.

Me: So, Grandfather. Why are you eating Domino’s crazy bread when you have, what I am assuming is free, Chinese food available to you?

Grandfather: Because I like crazy bread and the restaurant does not have crazy bread

[now would be a good time to mention that everything Grandfather says is so painfully simple and brilliant you can’t help but feel like a retarded donkey wearing a helmet]

Grandfather, what do you make of all this torture stuff? Should America be allowed to torture?

When was the last time America needed to be allowed to do anything?

(Fuck). Yeah, but I mean ethically. For a country to say it does not torture, to preserve that image of moral superiority as a political tool, should that country torture someone if it meant saving the lives of untold amounts of people?

Yes…but that country could never say “yes”.

…Do the ends justify the means?

Sometimes.

Do two wrongs make a right?

Yes.

How can you say that?

In the end, we are all slaves to Karma. But sometimes, Karma needs a helping hand.

What goes around comes around?

Yes.

Is marrying your cousin OK?

So long as you don’t care what people think of you.

That’s gross. What’s the meaning of life?

To live it.

Is there anything you don’t know?

Probably.

…How do you get rid of skunk smell?

Mix a quart of 3% hydrogen peroxide with ¼ a cup of baking soda and a table spoon of dish detergent. Wash in the new concoction.

Who will win the Stanley Cup this year?!

Bruins.

What are 3 alternative names for Mountain Lions?

Cougar, puma and panther.

How and when will I die?

[Grandfather pauses for 6 seconds as he clairvoyantly stares at the sun]

August 16, 2186. On your 200th birthday. You will simply decide it’s time to die.

…And exactly just how does that nonsense happen?

By 2050, nanoscopic robots will be zooming throughout our capillaries, transforming us into nonbiological humans. We will be able to absorb and retain the entirety of the universe’s knowledge, eat as much as we want without gaining weight, shape-shift into just about any physical form imaginable, live free from disease, and die at the time of our choosing. All of this will be thrust on us by something that Ray Kurzweil calls the Singularity, a theorized point in time in the not-so-distant future when machines become vastly superior to humans in every way; the emergence of true artificial intelligence. Computers will be able to improve their own source codes and hardware in ways we humans could never conceive. This will result in a paradigm shift that sees mankind coalescing with its own creations: man and machine, merging into one.

Dude…that’s tight. Are you Japanese?

No.

Who would win in a fight: Abraham Lincoln in his prime or a one armed Hulk Hogan?

Abraham Lincoln.

Am I bugging you?

A little bit.