The Ironies of 420

Hey, man. Happy (inter-?)national pot smoking day! It’s all like, this one big love-in, you know what I mean? We all just like, smoke and party and everyone’s chill, and then we eat some Doritos and take rips off my bong Bongzilla, man. It’s totally the best day of the year. Totally crunchy.

WRONG

April 20 is probably one of the most colossally fucked days of the year. This whole corner of the calendar is really one big depressing open sewer of all of humanity’s sins. I guess in that regard it makes sense to want to wrap your brain in a fuzzy wool blanket of cookies and children’s cartoons. But as far as today being something worth celebrating, that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Besides, most people who celebrate 420 by getting lit are the type of people who smoke every day anyway. The only thing that’s different between today and every other day is that stoners actually know what today is. “Oh hey, today is, um, it’s uh….4…oh shit its 420. I gotta make this special.” He then proceeds to make the day as special as the time he went to see Man of the Year high as shit to “make it funny” (note: this did not work). Yeah, man. Precious memories.

So sit back, toke up and try to get higher than you have ever been because I’m totally gonna harsh your buzz in about 2 seconds.

It’s Hitler’s Birthday
How stupid do you feel inadvertently celebrating the birthday of one of history’s biggest assholes? Even if you mumble “fuck Hitler” under your breath before you take a drag off a blunt, you are still having a good time on HITLER’S FUCKING BIRTHDAY. HITLER. Every lit lighter in this country today is like a candle for this dick

Columbine/VT Massacres
These happened on 4/20 and 4/17, respectively. Hey guess what? I’m not that fucking talented. I can’t make this shit funny. I’m not Gilbert Gotfried. You’d think talking about Hitler would be way harder to do, based just on numbers and the fact that I’m Jewish. But it’s not. This is all just a little too close to home for my liking. I think hard liquor is much more appropriate than weed today, with respect to this.

Earth Day
This would seem like the logical day (4/22) to get in touch with your inner Mother Nature and smoke the weeds of the earth in a field all day. Except for the fact that we’ve got about a good 8 years to go before we do irreversible damage and destroy the planet. Should I go through the list? I’m going through the list: Global warming, mass extinction, rapid deforestation, toxic oil/coal spills, eutrophication, food wars and a goddamn floating island of garbage. Seems an entire nation burning a million pounds of plant matter and saying fuck it to everything in a selfish drug haze is a good metaphor for the state of the earth.

Bay of Pigs
Hey, a bunch of Cubans died today. Thanks, Kennedy. I guess that’s kinda funny. But what I know is funny is Ronnie James Dio playing at the South Park Elementary School Bay of Pigs Memorial Dance. You actually might want to be high when watching this because it’s ripped from a Spanish television network and the weed makes Spanish people “muy gracioso”.

It’s Raining Right Now
I don’t know where you live but right now it’s raining on half of the country’s weed parade. Isn’t it ironic?! According to that Canadian bitch Alanis Morisette, rain on your wedding day is ironic. So, why shouldn’t today be just as ironic? Hm? (Don’t listen to that stupid canuck. That whole country is a North American Amsterdam. She was high as a fucking kite when she wrote that little number).

The Actual Use of 420 is Scary as Shit
Duh, a “4-20” is the code for illegal narcotics that cops use. If you are one of the unfortunate souls out there who first-hand heard a cop radio dispatch with a 4-20 then my heart goes out to you. Not. You (we) deserved to get busted. All drug busts like that are because the perp was a fucking moron (what can I say; guilty as charged). I just think it’s weird that people want to blaze on 4/20. I know they’re “blowin’ smoke in the face of the man” (wakka wakka) but it’ll be impossible to go through today without mentioning the How I Got Busted story for the 5th time. Who the fuck cares?