Ugly Woman Has Beautiful Voice

It has been Susan Boyle’s life long dream to become a famous singer, and it appears that after her stunning performance on the weekly television program Britain’s Got Talent that her dream finally came to a screeching halt.

The show’s head judge and front man, Simon Cowell, explains. “There is no doubt about it. Susan has one of the most spectacular voices I have ever heard in the 3 seasons I’ve been running this dreadful show. It’s a shame her face is too damned ugly to put on promotional ads. Or to attract potential listeners. Or to be seen in any public setting, really.”

“It’s a business,” co-judge Amanda Holden continues. “We live in a multi-media world where people want to see who’s singing to them. Christ, did you see her hair?!”

“And if people realize a troll is luring them close with a Siren song, that’s bad for business,” adds Cowell.

“Susan is out of place. If she were only living 75 years ago, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that she would have been an instant radio celebrity with men tearing at each other just to be in the same room as her. Besides, they had a different standard of beauty back then.”

The show’s final judge Piers Morgan sums up the panel’s feelings. “It’s a shame is what it is. If only her face looked like the sound of her wonderful voice. But it doesn’t. Her face looks like her face.”

Audience members who bore witness to Susan Boyle’s extraordinary talent were equally incredulous as to her prospects of fame.

Area woman Jessica Martin, 26, explains. “Everyone was completely shocked. I mean, when Susan shuffled on stage, she seemed sad and pathetic. We were all ready to absolutely tear into her. But as soon as she started singing…we were floored. It’s a good thing too, ‘cause it’s not like she has much else going for her.”

A low murmur of “good for her” could be heard in the audience after Susan left the stage.

A deliberative opinion poll conducted at the show’s end asked the men in attendance, “Would you ever sleep with Susan Boyle?”

Only one audience member, area man Daniel Hastings, 24, said “yes”. When asked to elaborate, he quickly looked around, shouted “NNNNNOT!!!”, and then turned around to high-five all of his laughing friends.