Your Sexual Fetish Sucks

So you’re thinking “What? I don’t have a fetish. When me and my life partner choose to have intercourse it is always mom and pop, meat and potatoes, missionary sex.” Well you suck because you’re a boring Archie Bunker who’s close minded and thinks pizza is exotic, ethnic food. You’re so bland I could puke.

You suck for screwing in public. I hate public toilets and Wal-Mart enough as it is (don’t get me started on the toilets in Wal-Mart) but I don’t want to worry about my hand catching a case of the clap every time I touch a door knob. Christ, you two aren’t junkyard dogs. Have some freaking decorum. How hard is it to just wait until you reach your car and do it there like the rest of civilized humanity?

You suck for being gay. Um…ever hear of a little thing called THE BIBLE? Or…GOD? Well, in THE BIBLE, GOD clearly says that gays are the brides of Satan. What are you trying to do, make GOD cry? You dick. I have a personal relationship with GOD and he tells me all his problems. Guess what? GOD thinks you suck.

You suck for having multiple partners. Aside from being a wanton whore *coughslutcough* you are guilty of conspicuous consumption. There are plenty of perfectly nice, homely looking girls who need sex just as much and you’re creating an unbalanced dick-trading gap in the sex market. How many dicks do you need in you before you finally fill the hole in your heart? (Same question for guys, but it starts “how many holes do you need to fill before _”)

You suck for being into ethnic chicks. What, are whites not good enough for you anymore? It worked perfectly fine for your parents, your parents’ parents, your parents’ parents’ parents, and so forth until they were brown or black or whatever. Then it was whitez-4-eva. In case you haven’t realized this is an Obama-nation; we are officially post-race. You’re supposed to look past someone’s skin color because we are all pink on the inside. And if you can’t see that, well, you’re a fucking racist and you suck.

You suck for being into that leather S&M stuff. First off, do you know how many cows had to die to make the leather for your full-body black leather leotard with the removable crotch and the matching boots and riding crop? Two. If you like to be the one giving the pain you suck because you’re getting off of hurting people. You know who else does that? Bullies. ‘Nuff said. And you can’t possibly win if you receive the pain. If you're a knamby-pamby about it and wear shit like knee pads then you are officially a pansy. If you go balls deep, literally, and have to break a finger to get off then…shit. Just don’t talk to me, weirdo.

You suck for wanting to have sex with animals. Species traitor. Right, I’m sure that’s exactly what a horse wants; for you to sneak up behind it and stick your tiny, gray, unused dink into it. Yeah, that’s right. Break up the monotony of that poor creature’s day. I hope when you’re in the hay snuggling with that two-ton creature it rolls over and crushes you. Ignoring all horrible bone-puns, you suck for wanting to sleep with a dog. Those things hump enough as it is. You’re not supposed to encourage that sort of behavior.

You suck for being a pedophile. I don’t care that you’re a Libertarian and trying to justify your crippling loneliness by saying that children used to get married all the time back in the middle ages up to the 18th century so you’re just “keeping with tradition”. Or don’t give me that argument that 9 year olds totally can give consent for sex. Fuck. You. Suck shit out of dicks in Hell forever.

You suck for having a balloon fetish. Wait, such a thing exists? Yeah. It’s like jacking off with an inflated balloon. Oh…kay…well, um. I’m sure that rubber squeaking noise is pretty horrid. Like when you take one and rub it the entire length of your body and it’s like scratching a black board. I hope one day you’re humping the living shit out of a balloon and it pops [insert your own reasons why here]. So you look up at the sky and sob, “Why does everyone I love leave me!?” ‘cause guess what? Ducks eat popped balloon bits and die. Ass.