Pandora Is Appropriately Named (So Are the Bands)

In case you’re over 40 or just plain old hate music now, Pandora is an online radio station that plays only music that you want to listen to. Thank God. Seriously. Go to your place or worship and thank Him. It is about fucking time. I can’t stress that enough. Have you listened to radio lately? Yeesh. I just happened to go over to DC101’s website and, no joke, this is the top 10 list of requested songs:

“Love Hurts” – Incubus
“Second Chance” – Shinetown
“I Don’t Care” – Apocalyptica
“Decode” – Paramore
“You’re Gonna Go Far Kid” – Offspring
“Breakdown” – Seether
“Feel Good Drag” – Anberlin
“ReEducation (Through Labor)” – Rise Against
“18 Days” – Saving Abel Stripped
“Troublemaker” – Weezer

Man, I really hope they have Stone Temple Pilots’ new hit single. Aside from this being a collection of horribly repetitive shit rock, I thought Incubus and Offspring died like a decade ago. What is this, 1997? I think I saw both of those bands when I went to HFStival for the first time. I was 12.

Ok, I’m not going to sit here and type up why music sucks. It’s totally subjective and makes me sound like a pretentious asshole. Writing music and performing it well is incredibly hard, so the angry rant of a failed musician like me means jack shit. If you like these bands, fine.

But why do the names have to suck? Are they taking themselves seriously, are they named ironically, or did the label change their name from “Worm Eaters” to “Jake Young and the New Rejects” because Worm Eaters just isn’t cost effective?

We are going to play a new game. Right now, I’m listening to Pandora and one thing they don’t have a shortage of is bands I’ve never heard of playing songs that I’m really starting to like. I’ll make a list of band names. Some will be taken straight from Pandora, and some will be what I think of after I stare at the light bulb directly above my head for 10 seconds. Sounds like fun? Ok here we go.

K.G.B.
Jerry Jerry
Walter Walter
Hotpipes
Inside You
Morricone Youth
Lovecraft’s Pen
The Mountain Goats

K.G.B. – Real. I guess if you want to go for notoriety, naming your ska band after evil secret police organizations is the way to go. Keep an ear out for hot newcomers “SS”, “Ministry of Love” and “The CIA Disappeared Me”

Jerry Jerry – Fake. Go the idea from a Kids in the Hall sketch were two lunatics who escaped from an asylum wandered around in bathrobes and female wigs, price tags still attached, doing lunatic things. The “sisters” would constantly refer to one another as Jerry.

Walter Walter – Real. Great band, and their song “Ask” is really cool. This does not help my argument that I am in fact not a hipster, scenester indie nerd. I swear to god I like the outdoors and have redneck friends.

Hotpipes – Real. You know how there are a ton of songs out there about weed? People love weed, write songs about it, but there are no crackhead songs. That’s because a crackhead, instead of writing a song, would much rather be smoking crack. A crackhead song would just be like, “Crack crack crack crack crack crack…” If there was a crackhead band, this is what their name would be. (This joke shamelessly stolen, bastardized and paraphrased from local DC comic John McBride).

Inside You – Fake. I hope. I just know, from the pit in my stomach, that there’s really shitty band in Orlando Florida right now (hahaha which one? *rimshot*) that’s actually named this. And that makes me sad. Well not sad. Just really, really, fucking depressed.

Morricone Youth – Real. What the hell is a Morricone? Google says it’s the last name of an Oscar winning composer. Which makes sense since these guys can harmonize like twins. There’s something about a band that takes the time to compose something worth while that’s so refreshing. I’d laugh my ass off it didn’t involve him at all.

Lovecraft’s Pen – Fake. Thank God. A band that plays speed metal songs about Cthulhu sounds like a great idea, in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

The Mountain Goats - Real. The question is not "is this a real band or not", but "why is this a real band?"