“I Am So, So, Sorry” – A Letter

Dear Judge Reinhold,

I don’t know if you remember who I am exactly. This is Travis Barker from down the street; George and Diane’s son? We were neighbors for 12 years but we never really talked. Well, the reason for this letter is that I have recently become a Level 4 member of the Church of Scientology and as part of my initiation I need to cleanse myself as much as possible. What my Guide suggested is that I confess all my sins to those I hurt and ask for forgiveness, so here it goes.

There are a lot of stupid pranks I pulled on your house as a kid. Remember that flaming bag of dog poop you stomped out? And how your house was egged almost every week that one summer? I had NOTHING to do with that. I’m the one responsible for sticking your running garden hose through your mail slit in the door and that time you came home from vacation and every one of your windows was broken.

I am so, so sorry for killing Checkers. That was me. It was an honest mistake. I was driving home day, and I had just got back from the school bleachers where Kenny, Steve-O, Buttly and I would get stoned. I was stoned. Really, really, stoned (hey, just one more alien demon I needed to exercise out of me, am I right?) I swear Checkers came out of nowhere. I was so freaked out that I hit it that when I backed up to get a better look I had no idea I was running over him a second time but much slower. But what I really regret is how I panicked and threw his body over your fence and drove off.

How’s Jessica doing at that convent up in the mountains? I know you sent her there after you found out she was pregnant. Did she keep the baby? This one is kind of important since, well, it was/is mine. Well, I’m pretty sure it is, unless your daughter got around way more than what she let me believe. I mean, she told me that I was her first, which I believe because how many 13 year olds have sex? She was always such a nice girl. I’m so glad she didn’t rat me out; that would have totally messed up Junior Prom. But it’s time I came clean; I’m the one who stole the ceramic lawn gnome Jessica bought for you. I really am sorry. It was immature of me.

What I hope you understand is that it wasn’t really me doing all those horrible things; it was the alien ghosts living inside me. That and the drugs. They were in complete contrast to the survival of my 8 dynamics. Fortunately, I have successfully removed 35% of the Thetans inside me thanks to the wonderful work done at the Church of Scientology. If you ever want to have a free stress test or auditing, I don’t have a phone anymore. But you can contact me through the church’s Minnesota branch and ask for L4-TBdv5. It’s sorta like a P.O. box for my soul.

Sincerely,

Travis “L4-TBdv5” Barker