I’m not talking about “oh hey im at work and its boring, how about you go to this one supercool website on teh intarwebs its called www.borfborfborfborf.com and its what all the kidz are raving about.” No, I’m talking about more dire situations.
Situations where there are no materials. There are no friends, no noises to be made, no freedom. Nothing. You know, church and office meetings and court dates and stuff. A fucking minute in those situations would last five in the real world. The only playground you have left is in your mind, so get lost in it.
“A man’d do just about anything to keep busy” – Shawshank Redemption
Here are some real life accounts of what I have done to fend off the Mongolian hordes of boredom.
Stop Your Own Heart
I always thought it was weird that CPR solved two problems. You do it when someone stops breathing or their heart stops. So…are breathing and heart rates connected? Maaayyybeeee…? I don’t know it’s been a while since 9th grade Bio but whatevs. I closed my eyes and turned them inward, or some other stupid Asian monk phrase. I saw this thing once on discovery channel where this Buddhist monk could slow his heart through meditation. Also, Haji did it once on an episode of The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest. Breath in…and breath out. In…and out. Slowly, you begin to feel your heart thumping in your chest. Breath in…take control of that thump. Open your third eye; reach out of the pupil and squeeze your heart. Feel it slowing, and slowing, and slowing, until it stops.
I passed out and feel out of my chair. Immediately I woke up. Everyone present thought I simply fell asleep and that’s why I fell. Either way it was boredom induced.
Also this one time in 3rd grade I touched the metal part of a big extension chord plug that was hanging out of the socket but still running. We were having story time and it was BOR-ING. That thing zapped the shit out of me, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my heart stopped.
Eye Fuck
This is almost impossible to do unless someone who is at least a 5 is in the same room. Proceed with caution because you will develop a rape face and if you get called out on it you’ll spend the next 5 weeks in sensitivity training listening to some pathetic virgin named Pete use the phrase “inappropriate behavior” every sentence because he’s reading straight out of the goddamn pamphlet the state issued to the teacher of this fucking class.
Touch Yourself
Yyyyyyup.
Shout Inside Your Head
It doesn’t even matter what you’re shouting about. Just do it consistently. Remember, your not shooting for enlightenment here. This shit is not brilliant. You just need to kill time.
“OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING. I CANT BELIEVE I AM HERE DOING THIS BORING ASS THING WHEN I COULD BE FUCKING WATCHING 24 RIGHT NOW OR PLAYING WITH MY DOG. THE FIRST THING IM GOING TO DO WHEN I GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IS POOP, MICROWAVE SOME PIZZA POCKETS AND THEN…IS THIS GUY STILL FUCKING TALKING?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? DOESN’T HE HAVE A LIFE OR A HOBBY OR SOMEWHERE TO BE? IF I COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE IN RIO DEGENARO AND I’D GET ME ONE OF THOSE STREET BURGERS THAT ARE LIKE A PIECE OF FILLET MINON WITH A GRILLED PINEAPPLE SLICE ON TOP. HOLY SHIT THAT SOUNDS SOOO FUCKING GOOD RIGHT NOW.”
Situations where there are no materials. There are no friends, no noises to be made, no freedom. Nothing. You know, church and office meetings and court dates and stuff. A fucking minute in those situations would last five in the real world. The only playground you have left is in your mind, so get lost in it.
“A man’d do just about anything to keep busy” – Shawshank Redemption
Here are some real life accounts of what I have done to fend off the Mongolian hordes of boredom.
Stop Your Own Heart
I always thought it was weird that CPR solved two problems. You do it when someone stops breathing or their heart stops. So…are breathing and heart rates connected? Maaayyybeeee…? I don’t know it’s been a while since 9th grade Bio but whatevs. I closed my eyes and turned them inward, or some other stupid Asian monk phrase. I saw this thing once on discovery channel where this Buddhist monk could slow his heart through meditation. Also, Haji did it once on an episode of The Real Adventures of Johnny Quest. Breath in…and breath out. In…and out. Slowly, you begin to feel your heart thumping in your chest. Breath in…take control of that thump. Open your third eye; reach out of the pupil and squeeze your heart. Feel it slowing, and slowing, and slowing, until it stops.
I passed out and feel out of my chair. Immediately I woke up. Everyone present thought I simply fell asleep and that’s why I fell. Either way it was boredom induced.
Also this one time in 3rd grade I touched the metal part of a big extension chord plug that was hanging out of the socket but still running. We were having story time and it was BOR-ING. That thing zapped the shit out of me, so I wouldn’t be surprised if my heart stopped.
Eye Fuck
This is almost impossible to do unless someone who is at least a 5 is in the same room. Proceed with caution because you will develop a rape face and if you get called out on it you’ll spend the next 5 weeks in sensitivity training listening to some pathetic virgin named Pete use the phrase “inappropriate behavior” every sentence because he’s reading straight out of the goddamn pamphlet the state issued to the teacher of this fucking class.
Touch Yourself
Yyyyyyup.
Shout Inside Your Head
It doesn’t even matter what you’re shouting about. Just do it consistently. Remember, your not shooting for enlightenment here. This shit is not brilliant. You just need to kill time.
“OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING. I CANT BELIEVE I AM HERE DOING THIS BORING ASS THING WHEN I COULD BE FUCKING WATCHING 24 RIGHT NOW OR PLAYING WITH MY DOG. THE FIRST THING IM GOING TO DO WHEN I GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE IS POOP, MICROWAVE SOME PIZZA POCKETS AND THEN…IS THIS GUY STILL FUCKING TALKING?! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM? DOESN’T HE HAVE A LIFE OR A HOBBY OR SOMEWHERE TO BE? IF I COULD BE ANYWHERE RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE IN RIO DEGENARO AND I’D GET ME ONE OF THOSE STREET BURGERS THAT ARE LIKE A PIECE OF FILLET MINON WITH A GRILLED PINEAPPLE SLICE ON TOP. HOLY SHIT THAT SOUNDS SOOO FUCKING GOOD RIGHT NOW.”
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