Washington Bullets (Basketball)
Did you know that the movie Robocop, instead of taking place in Detroit, almost took place in DC? Word is that the producers were trying to decide which city was the absolute shittiest in the country in terms of crime and public safety (ideal stomping grounds for a cyborg law enforcement officer) and Detroit won out only because like some huge robbery or shooting took place the week the execs finally decided. But that’s not supposed to detract from DC’s history as the murder capitol of the world. It was refreshing to see a city really embrace is violent history and tradition (that’s why everyone was pissed when they changed to the Wizards. Gheeeeey).
Toronto Raptors (Basketball)
Bill Watterson said it best when he described dinosaurs as such; “These things truly were the stuff of nightmares.” Haven’t you ever seen Jurassic Park? Not the second one, Lost World, where raptors could be taken out with some impromptu gymnastics. In the first movie, those were the scariest motherfuckers ever. Fast, intelligent, slashing, murdering, violent psychopaths, those are the perfect words to describe any first-rate athlete. Too bad they got stuck to a team like Toronto. Oh Hell, any Canadian team.
Harlem Globetrotters (Basketball)
I don’t know what the Hell a globetrotter is, but following in the 70’s/80’s trend of naming things after combining “a thing” with “a mode of moving”, such as Luke Skywalker and Bladerunner, it seems to be a sure fire shortcut straight into badassery. Have they ever even lost a game? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that they’ve appeared on everything from Futurama to The New Scooby Doo Movies (which, now, are quite fucking old).
Spartans, Sparta (War)
I tend to interpret historic movies like 300 as a 100% true depiction of life back then. Like, fuck archeologists. You know what they do? They go through the crap lost cultures left behind and then guess what they did, based on that stuff. They fucking guess. No. I’m not going to do that. I get shit done. Just like the Spartans. I’m going to dive right into the biased pages of Persian history and take it on all by myself. Just like Spartans. The Spartans were these buff oily men who fought shit like immortals and mutant rhinos. They were so good at what they did that they would be forever immortalized as the mascots of half of the high school football teams in America (the other half being the Wildcats). Let’s say you’re the QB for your team (the, haha, Saxons) and you’re playing the Spartans. What do you do? Quit, that’s what. Save yourself the shame.
Air Bud, the Air Bud movies (Various)
It’s one thing for a team to suck and then adopt a bitchin’ mascot to stir up confidence and to really rally behind (e.g. Might Ducks), but it is a totally different thing to suck so bad that your mascot has to come in and carry your sorry ass to the pee-wee league championship. Air Bud does it all; he plays basketball, football, soccer, baseball, beach volleyball, sled running, Australian Rules Football, and I’m pretty sure that motherfucker can now talk and pilot a space shuttle.
Montreal Canadians/Vancouver Canucks (Hockey)
“So, we got the players, the drive, and the talent. What should we name our team?”
“You know, let’s not beat around the bush. We’re Canadians, we play hockey; it’s what we do. Let’s call ourselves the Canadians/Canucks.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?”
“You think so? Maybe we should call ourselves the Montreal/Vancouver Hockey Players?”
“Canadians/Canucks is fine.”
University of Northern Colorado Fightin’ Whites (Intramural Basketball)
This one is awesome for 2 very good reasons. First of all, this UNC team, comprised of Native Americans, Whites, and Latinos, created the mascot as a big “fuck you” to all sports teams that use racist stereotypes of Native Americans as their mascot. Hey alright. Cool. The second reason this is a great mascot is, well, can you honestly think of another race on Earth that has dominated so hard, been so feared and so hated for so long? Perfect. Sports. Mascot. When I watch sports teams play, I like to stage imaginary fights between the mascots in my head. Like when the Broncos play the Colts, or Seahawks play the Eagles. It’s fun to see which one would actually win. In every scenario, whites win.
Athena and Phevos, 2004 Summer Olympics - Athens, Greece (Olympics)
Ahahaha, just kidding. These things fucking sucked. What pieces of shit. Stupid ass Greeks and their stupid ass ideas. Shitheads. Just look at those things. Haha
Phillie Phanatic, Philadelphia Phillies (Baseball)
My roommate freshmen year of college was obsessed with this guy. It’s not like he had posters of him or kept a goldfish named Phanatic, but this mascot was his funny go-to reference that he would spout out a-fucking-lot. The Phillie Phanatic, Howie Mandel, and a bunch of repetitive shit from the 80’s, that’s what he espoused. He was annoying, but not terrible. Rooming with him was like having a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth. He had the personality of oatmeal. His name was also Mark, but thank God he stood at about 5 foot nothing, so he got the nickname “Little Mark” and I was known as “Tall Mark”. He bugged the shit out of me but when all was said and done, he wasn’t a bad person. I did feel bad for him when he died in a grease fire.
Pepito, MS-13 (Gang)
The Mara Salvatrucha is a scary ass gang of Salvadorians, Hondurans, Nicaraguans and Guatemalans that take part in numerous acts of drug trafficking, human trafficking, grand theft auto, home invasion and contract killing. While these acts are not considered “traditional” sports, they are the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 fastest growing youth-oriented after school activities in America. So it’s really refreshing that MS-13 has a sense of humor with itself. Pepito looks like a cross between Speedy Gonzales and the Frito Bandito. Sporting a large sombrero, handlebar mustache, bullet belt, sandals, and a ’65 Chevy Impala, this precocious scamp can easily be seen as any MS-13 gang members’ little brother.
Did you know that the movie Robocop, instead of taking place in Detroit, almost took place in DC? Word is that the producers were trying to decide which city was the absolute shittiest in the country in terms of crime and public safety (ideal stomping grounds for a cyborg law enforcement officer) and Detroit won out only because like some huge robbery or shooting took place the week the execs finally decided. But that’s not supposed to detract from DC’s history as the murder capitol of the world. It was refreshing to see a city really embrace is violent history and tradition (that’s why everyone was pissed when they changed to the Wizards. Gheeeeey).
Toronto Raptors (Basketball)
Bill Watterson said it best when he described dinosaurs as such; “These things truly were the stuff of nightmares.” Haven’t you ever seen Jurassic Park? Not the second one, Lost World, where raptors could be taken out with some impromptu gymnastics. In the first movie, those were the scariest motherfuckers ever. Fast, intelligent, slashing, murdering, violent psychopaths, those are the perfect words to describe any first-rate athlete. Too bad they got stuck to a team like Toronto. Oh Hell, any Canadian team.
Harlem Globetrotters (Basketball)
I don’t know what the Hell a globetrotter is, but following in the 70’s/80’s trend of naming things after combining “a thing” with “a mode of moving”, such as Luke Skywalker and Bladerunner, it seems to be a sure fire shortcut straight into badassery. Have they ever even lost a game? I’m not sure, but what I do know is that they’ve appeared on everything from Futurama to The New Scooby Doo Movies (which, now, are quite fucking old).
Spartans, Sparta (War)
I tend to interpret historic movies like 300 as a 100% true depiction of life back then. Like, fuck archeologists. You know what they do? They go through the crap lost cultures left behind and then guess what they did, based on that stuff. They fucking guess. No. I’m not going to do that. I get shit done. Just like the Spartans. I’m going to dive right into the biased pages of Persian history and take it on all by myself. Just like Spartans. The Spartans were these buff oily men who fought shit like immortals and mutant rhinos. They were so good at what they did that they would be forever immortalized as the mascots of half of the high school football teams in America (the other half being the Wildcats). Let’s say you’re the QB for your team (the, haha, Saxons) and you’re playing the Spartans. What do you do? Quit, that’s what. Save yourself the shame.
Air Bud, the Air Bud movies (Various)
It’s one thing for a team to suck and then adopt a bitchin’ mascot to stir up confidence and to really rally behind (e.g. Might Ducks), but it is a totally different thing to suck so bad that your mascot has to come in and carry your sorry ass to the pee-wee league championship. Air Bud does it all; he plays basketball, football, soccer, baseball, beach volleyball, sled running, Australian Rules Football, and I’m pretty sure that motherfucker can now talk and pilot a space shuttle.
Montreal Canadians/Vancouver Canucks (Hockey)
“So, we got the players, the drive, and the talent. What should we name our team?”
“You know, let’s not beat around the bush. We’re Canadians, we play hockey; it’s what we do. Let’s call ourselves the Canadians/Canucks.”
“Don’t you think that’s a little redundant?”
“You think so? Maybe we should call ourselves the Montreal/Vancouver Hockey Players?”
“Canadians/Canucks is fine.”
University of Northern Colorado Fightin’ Whites (Intramural Basketball)This one is awesome for 2 very good reasons. First of all, this UNC team, comprised of Native Americans, Whites, and Latinos, created the mascot as a big “fuck you” to all sports teams that use racist stereotypes of Native Americans as their mascot. Hey alright. Cool. The second reason this is a great mascot is, well, can you honestly think of another race on Earth that has dominated so hard, been so feared and so hated for so long? Perfect. Sports. Mascot. When I watch sports teams play, I like to stage imaginary fights between the mascots in my head. Like when the Broncos play the Colts, or Seahawks play the Eagles. It’s fun to see which one would actually win. In every scenario, whites win.
Athena and Phevos, 2004 Summer Olympics - Athens, Greece (Olympics) Ahahaha, just kidding. These things fucking sucked. What pieces of shit. Stupid ass Greeks and their stupid ass ideas. Shitheads. Just look at those things. Haha
Phillie Phanatic, Philadelphia Phillies (Baseball)
My roommate freshmen year of college was obsessed with this guy. It’s not like he had posters of him or kept a goldfish named Phanatic, but this mascot was his funny go-to reference that he would spout out a-fucking-lot. The Phillie Phanatic, Howie Mandel, and a bunch of repetitive shit from the 80’s, that’s what he espoused. He was annoying, but not terrible. Rooming with him was like having a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth. He had the personality of oatmeal. His name was also Mark, but thank God he stood at about 5 foot nothing, so he got the nickname “Little Mark” and I was known as “Tall Mark”. He bugged the shit out of me but when all was said and done, he wasn’t a bad person. I did feel bad for him when he died in a grease fire.
Pepito, MS-13 (Gang)
The Mara Salvatrucha is a scary ass gang of Salvadorians, Hondurans, Nicaraguans and Guatemalans that take part in numerous acts of drug trafficking, human trafficking, grand theft auto, home invasion and contract killing. While these acts are not considered “traditional” sports, they are the numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, and 5 fastest growing youth-oriented after school activities in America. So it’s really refreshing that MS-13 has a sense of humor with itself. Pepito looks like a cross between Speedy Gonzales and the Frito Bandito. Sporting a large sombrero, handlebar mustache, bullet belt, sandals, and a ’65 Chevy Impala, this precocious scamp can easily be seen as any MS-13 gang members’ little brother.
No comments:
Post a Comment