Rat
If you were born in the year of the rat, then you probably wonder why. I mean, it’s a rat. A disease spreading nuisance that only witches and herpatologists like. This has made you resentful. And crewel. Oh sure, your sign says you’re intelligent and cunning, but you’re also extremely selfish, arrogant and Machiavellian. So put all those traits to good use. This month you will find a way to kill your neighbor and make it look like an accident. The goal here is to shack up with his wife a few times, guilt free. It’s not cheating if he’s dead.
Ox
How’s my slow-witted beast of burden doin’, hmm? Doin’ fiiiiiine? Erry thang’s aight? Look, I don’t expect the gullible, unwashed masses born under this sign to be literate, so I’ll just say this behind their backs; this month they will be at work at the same soul-crushing, dead end job and do everything the boss says and keep doing it every month until they are forced into retirement and screwed out of the pension. And their slew of resentful kids will spring for a 3rd-rate nursing home where they'll spend the rest of their life making poops in a diaper and forgetting to take their socialized Alzheimer’s medication. There. Now I never have to write an Ox horoscope ever again.
Tiger
You think you’re hot shit, don’t you? Mr. “Best-animal-spirit-thingy-in-China”. Common, who wants to imagine themselves as a fucking sheep? Well this month will put you in your place. Your natural tendency for exploration and the unpredictable will put you on the path of a road trip. Hey, sounds like fun! Better check into the Milwaukee Radisson, man. You got a long trip ahead of you tomorrow. It will be the exact same Radisson that the Mid-West Furry Alliance decided to set up their annual convention. Get ready to be creeped out by a bunch of fat, sweaty, repressed dudes dressed up as actual tigers touching you. They’re just so attracted to your determination, even if it is directed at getting the fuck out of there.
Rabbit
Oh, look at the precious, sensitive wittle wabbit. So you’re an artist, huh? Delicate? Well then I am happy to announce that Barack Obama’s stimulus package will not only fail, it will backfire tremendously. Get ready for the social upheaval of a surprisingly short lifetime. This shit will be French Revolution meets L.A. Riots meets Land of the Dead and your privileged head will be the first on the chopping block. You know who eats a lot of rabbit? Chinese people [and Elmer Fudd – ed.]
Dragon
Larger than life symbols of power and authority don’t exist. It’s all fake. It’s something Kim Jong Il dreamt up while sitting on North Korea’s only toilet. These are your Caesars, your Stalins, your Clint Eastwoods. Oh sure, they existed at one point, but are hidden in caves like real dragons. If really 1/12 of the human population (560 million people) were like this, you think anything would ever get done? The world would constantly be divided among many nations while greedy fucking secret cabals ran the world behind the desks of international corporations. (I feel like there’s this big fucking anvil with the word “irony” written on it hanging over my head). Ok, soooo, for march, all you dragons out there will……..make someone’s life real shitty. Boom. This job is easy.
Snake
Jesus Christ Wikipedia isn’t giving me shit for the snake. It has 12 positive traits and like 5 negative ones, the worst of which is “snobbish”. Snobbish? Are you kidding me? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Fine, you’ll go to a restaurant and return the food because it wasn’t good enough. How, hilarious, is that shit, amirite? Now fuck the hell off you wise, profound, charming, logical, intelligent, creative, compassionate, discreet, honorable, humorous, generous, and attractive asshole. You’re comedy poison.
Horse
This Zodiac symbol is renowned for its free spirited and enthusiastic ugly bitches. So, that chick who coordinated every high school class event is a horse. So for all you happy-go-lucky giant beasts out there who shit standing up, this month you will become extra special when you get smacked in the head and end up looking like this forever:
Sheep/Goat/Ram
[Chinese people don’t know what is up with their own damn calendar – ed.] These people are supposedly the most creative bunch of them all, so try to keep that in mind as they switch it up this month by spending 19 hours a day sitting on a filth-encrusted couch in their old, dirty underwear, eating Cheetos and watching episodes of Judge Joe Brown while they try to work through their bout of writers block. “But, Kristin! If I get a job, then I won’t have any time to work on my screenplay about the vampires who fight werewolves! ‘Common, babe, I’m going to make it. My side-project experimental jazz-fusion-techno band Rayn is going to make it. Then I’ll buy you all the nice things in life you deserve. Now how about a fin for some smokes?” will be uttered for the 9,377th time, so go out and buy a victory can of Pringles. Remember when I said they’ll “switch it up” this month? Usually they watch Judge Mathews.
Monkey
Versatility defines your character, and the universe knows this. That’s why you are going to lose the following things: wife, job, home, dog, car, wallet, respect, 2 teeth, a foot (to diabetes), the lottery, and a good chunk of your sanity. Let’s see how you handle all that, mother fucker. And while you’re sorting all that shit out, try balancing the national budget, bailing out the economy, reforming politics in D.C., building clean energy grid, making heath care affordable to the entire country, solving global warming, legalizing pot and putting a man on Mars. This horoscope is dedicated to President Barack Obama, honorary March Monkey (not racist).
Rooster
I want you to close your eyes and imagine what a gay, black teenager who grew up in NYC is like. I see the most fashionable (like 3 years ahead of trends), funniest, brutally honestest, overtly snarky, bitchiest person, ever. In one word, cocks. Thems rooster folk. This month they will drive around with friends, get drunk, do a little blow, make fun of poor people and avoid any location not resembling DuPont Circle, The Village or West Hollywood. You know. “Thursday”. Those cocks.
Dog
Dog people (heh) are loyal and hate weakness because it fucks up the pack. Riiight. Anyway, they make the perfect career soldiers. In fact that’s all the military is; just a bunch of kids born in 1982. Can’t wait to see what these young guns of ’94 are going to do to the A-rabs we’re-a fightin’. Anywho, most of these guys are really into March Madness, so I predict a lot of fights breaking out. You might want to stock up on medical tape and antiseptic because the Terps are going to kick the shit out of everyone in the NCAA and if anyone disagrees, my left fist can make a 2 quick rebuttals and my right will follow up with an excellent counterpoint.
Pig
Ahahaha, pigs are supposed to be greedy and evil, and a sign of fertility. Like this huge vagina sucking out all life into its gaping maw. Like that stupid bitch in California who gave birth to octuplets when she already had 6. “I NEED MORE EGGS! Bigger family…BIGGER I SAY!!!” I know exactly how her month is going to end; with 14 welfare checks. The super religious are asking me to pray for her. Pfff. Be careful for what you pray for because it just might happen. Well, with all those mid-air satellite crashes happening, I guess the odds of one falling out of the sky and crushing her dumb ass isn’t so far off. My prayers have been answered!
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