Rarely does this blog get topical, but I cannot let this piece of news go by un-re-reported. Remember when that chimp Travis was hopped up on Xanex and ripped that lady’s face off? Then the police shot and killed Travis…for ripping that lady’s face off?
This may seem like just another tragic yet hilarious piece of news traum-edy but actually, this is one act in a very long, Shakespearean play (a traum-edy) depicting the ongoing conflict between chimps and man.
See, some 3 million years ago we both shared a common humanoid ancestor. Like, imagine a really smelly, deformed looking tribe of pig monkey men living in the jungle. Then the tribe split. No one knows why, but we can guess. I like to think it has to do with skin color. Anyway, the half that stayed in the jungle became modern day chimps and the half that lived in the plains became all the races of human, except Aborigines. To this day chimps and man still hate each other and carry the same grudge. Also, chimps are mad that we call our common ancestor “humanoid” and not “chimpanoid”.
For millions of years, we have waged war openly. It was not until recent times have we forgotten our bloody history. I blame the Church. Maybe that’s why the story of Travis seems like an isolated event. But this attack and many more of its kind have been recorded in the annals of history.
Chimp Army Uniformed Attack
Hayfield, Ohio 1997
The Warren County zoo hosts a variety of living arrangements for its animals. Bird sanctuaries, giant sloth terrariums, but the zoo’s most popular habitat was Chimp Island, a 2000 square foot enclosure surrounded by a vast moat. At approximately 10:30 AM, the chimps finally cut through the trunk of a palm tree with the lower jaw bone of a no longer missing zoo curator. With the fallen palm serving as an impromptu bridge, the first wave of chimps, 15 strong, crossed over into the park. Zoo patrons mauled, fountains defiled and hotdog stands turned, humans alike were helpless until a posse of security guards managed to drive back the invading force. That’s when the second wave, 20 strong, attacked. It took ten federal marshals to bring the combat to a conclusion. By the end of the day, 34 chimps were dead, one human child was dead, 78 humans maimed, and 3 feces covered hotdog carts were rendered uncleanable. The lone surviving chimp, George, was brought into questioning. He died in custody. Officials report he committed suicide via cyanide capsule, but since no body was ever recovered this is all speculative.
Biological Warfare
Reston, Virginia 1989
There was a domestic biological attack on the United States which predated the mailed anthrax attacks shortly following September 11, 2001. A group of 3 suicide terrorist chimps, Mongo, Manson, and Bubbles, willfully and knowingly contracted an airborne strain of the Ebola virus in the hopes of decimating America’s population. Their plan was to reach the United States, hemorrhage/crash, and spread the biosafety level-4 virus to a human host by any means necessary. Their plan would have succeeded if it not for the fact that the strain of Ebola, now known as Ebola Reston, does not affect human beings. Stupid monkeys.
Coercion through Dystopia
Northern New Jersey, 3976
This may seem like just another tragic yet hilarious piece of news traum-edy but actually, this is one act in a very long, Shakespearean play (a traum-edy) depicting the ongoing conflict between chimps and man.
See, some 3 million years ago we both shared a common humanoid ancestor. Like, imagine a really smelly, deformed looking tribe of pig monkey men living in the jungle. Then the tribe split. No one knows why, but we can guess. I like to think it has to do with skin color. Anyway, the half that stayed in the jungle became modern day chimps and the half that lived in the plains became all the races of human, except Aborigines. To this day chimps and man still hate each other and carry the same grudge. Also, chimps are mad that we call our common ancestor “humanoid” and not “chimpanoid”.
For millions of years, we have waged war openly. It was not until recent times have we forgotten our bloody history. I blame the Church. Maybe that’s why the story of Travis seems like an isolated event. But this attack and many more of its kind have been recorded in the annals of history.
Chimp Army Uniformed Attack
Hayfield, Ohio 1997
The Warren County zoo hosts a variety of living arrangements for its animals. Bird sanctuaries, giant sloth terrariums, but the zoo’s most popular habitat was Chimp Island, a 2000 square foot enclosure surrounded by a vast moat. At approximately 10:30 AM, the chimps finally cut through the trunk of a palm tree with the lower jaw bone of a no longer missing zoo curator. With the fallen palm serving as an impromptu bridge, the first wave of chimps, 15 strong, crossed over into the park. Zoo patrons mauled, fountains defiled and hotdog stands turned, humans alike were helpless until a posse of security guards managed to drive back the invading force. That’s when the second wave, 20 strong, attacked. It took ten federal marshals to bring the combat to a conclusion. By the end of the day, 34 chimps were dead, one human child was dead, 78 humans maimed, and 3 feces covered hotdog carts were rendered uncleanable. The lone surviving chimp, George, was brought into questioning. He died in custody. Officials report he committed suicide via cyanide capsule, but since no body was ever recovered this is all speculative.
Biological Warfare
Reston, Virginia 1989
There was a domestic biological attack on the United States which predated the mailed anthrax attacks shortly following September 11, 2001. A group of 3 suicide terrorist chimps, Mongo, Manson, and Bubbles, willfully and knowingly contracted an airborne strain of the Ebola virus in the hopes of decimating America’s population. Their plan was to reach the United States, hemorrhage/crash, and spread the biosafety level-4 virus to a human host by any means necessary. Their plan would have succeeded if it not for the fact that the strain of Ebola, now known as Ebola Reston, does not affect human beings. Stupid monkeys.
Coercion through Dystopia
Northern New Jersey, 3976
Colonel George “Bright Eyes” Taylor was subjugated to numerous forms of torture under a society run by apes. In this land he was treated as an animal with barely any regard for his life. Thought of as inferior, he was ostracized and harassed until he was finally banished into the forbidden zone. If this is not a call to warning of our horrible future, then I don’t know what is. It reinforces what I have been saying for years: kill all chimps.
Oh yeah and fuck Jane Goodall
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