Magic v. Science

What an age we live in. The other day I was watching Israel launch new missiles into Gaza on TV while I was on Adderall and I was like, “My God, science is awesome!” How else can you explain watching flying metal, exploding eggs half the world away…on Adderall? It’s science! Soon I walked over to the kitchen and microwaved a burrito. I caught myself wishing I had a caveman friend just so I could show him this mundane shit and completely blow his mind.

I love science, I truly do. It is my bread and butter. Top 3 channels I watch on TV are Discovery Channel, Comedy Central, and Oxygen.

But I got to thinking. Science is like what magic was in the middle-ages (and parts of the present 3rd world). It is the every-day miracle maker. One has to be better than the other. Or, who would win in a fight, Harry Potter or Dexter?

Shrinking
The standard test of one’s practicality; who can shrink something the fastest and smallest? Magic steps up to the plate with a shrinking potion. It looks like neon-green Pepto and tastes like rancid Caribbean food. Hmm. I noticed that, on top of being unpleasant as hell, you only shrink down to the size of a mouse and you’re naked. Sure, this is perfect spying-on-the-girls-changing-room size; not to big too be seen easily and not too small to be eaten by spiders, but you are totally fucked if there’s a cat around. You’re also creepy for being a little naked gnome running around and jerking off to voyeur stuff. Being eaten alive by a lazy creature named Mittens, screaming, and in the nude is not how I want to leave this plane of existence. What the fuck are you going to do, fight a cat with a needle-sword and bottle cap-shield? Also, how do you expect to get bigger? That requires another potion and this whole thing starts to look like a huge hassle for a bunch of bullshit.

Ah, the shrink ray - A simplistic combination of reverse-photon axiums, flux polarization quantum decay, and a gun. Not only can organic material shrink, but anything can shrink to any size. Perfect for the submarine you plan on sailing through your friend’s blood-stream and spying on girls in the changing room. Ever wanted to know what an atom looked like close up? Actually, don’t go that far. You’ll fall through existence. Returning to normal size is a breeze. Just flip the switch and its no muss, no fuss.

Science wins, hands down.

Ghost Suppression /Removal
Ghosts are all over the place. It’s like you can’t go anywhere these days without tripping over one of the damn things. I don’t know if people are dying more violently in 2009 or if Hell is just too damn crowded but this is starting to be a really spooky problem. They’re always wailing, and crying and breaking things. And you can’t hit them. Having a ghost problem is like having a baby. I’ve been calling the Ghostbusters for years and they have always done a clean, professional job. Sure, I have to tack paperweights to everything when they turn on their nuclear powered proton packs because those things turn my living room into a fucking wind tunnel, but, nowadays, shit. New head of the union Bob Strickland has made the Ghostbusting union impossible to operate efficiently because he’s a crooked son of a bitch so now I have to wait 2 fucking days to get a fucking ghost removed from my attic. And forget about possessions. I once asked a ‘buster to shoot my possessed niece and he was like, “naw, can’t. Union regulations won’t let us do that no more since that 8 year old died that one time.”

Magic has ghost removal down to a science. It’s so easy that even light magic users like priests can perform exorcisms. They’re cheaper too. Instead of going to the agency I’m going to go over and visit my neighbor Hector next time I have a ghost. For $10 or a 6-pack of Modelo he’s going to lay down some of his Mexican/Catholic/Indian fusion chants and ghost-proof my house for 3 years. No warrantee needed. He also says he knows how to put up dry wall and install plumbing. I assume it’s because he’s magic and not Mexican. Magic Mexicans.

This round goes to magic.

Transportation
There are two types of transportation; commercial and personal. I’m going to forgo commercial transportation because both magic and science are tied in this field. Sure, being able to magically appear a freight ship of Chinese crap into L.A. harbor is pretty cool, but there’s something undeniably awesome about inter-galactic travel at light speed. Shit, earth-bound magic doesn’t even come close to that kind of range.

Personal use. Stuff like going down to the corner store or visiting friends on the other coast. This one is going to come down to the nitty gritty since both are fun. You can teleport there. Star Trek-like phasing would be cool but you don’t want to go in with another animal and walk out with a spider for a head (not a spider-head; a whole spider for a head). But science also has stargates and inter-dimensional wormholes. Let’s get smaller. Magic has brooms and winged bathtubs and beds with huge, walking legs, and mythical creatures to ride. Sidenote: if you like riding brooms you are either a gay biker or a woman because, wait, I shouldn’t need to explain the symbolism of grabbing on tightly to a huge, flying phallic symbol. Paging Dr. Freud. Science has hover boots, hover cars, hover boards and genetic super creatures to ride. This category will come down to this: magic carpet v. jetpack.

I’m afraid I have to give this one to magic again. While the jetpack has unbeatable speed, it is cumbersome to store, to refill and your pants catch on fire 1 out of 5 times. With the carpet you get the range, the durability, a reasonable speed, plus it can carry multiple people. This is perfect for showing off to an Arab princess (you later fuck on the carpet, thus joining the mile high club).

Murder
Magic is at a disadvantage here. Sure, it is totally possible to murder someone using magic. There is dark magic, after all. But good always triumphs over evil, and sad to say, murdering is evil. Well, in this country murdering is. Also, magic is sort of limited to how you can kill someone. Yeah, there are poison apples and flamethrowing magic wands, but all that stuff calls for summoning forces of nature to do the dirty work for you. “Oh no! Where’d all these scorpions come from?! Look at all these fucking scorpions! I’m going to die from scorpion st- oh no a tiger! I’m going to be mauled to death by a tiger! What is a tiger doing here in the middle of Detroi- oh no! a dragon! wh-“ ok, stop. That’s not cool. That’s watching Animal Planet for a week.

There is no such thing as a dark scientist, only mad scientists. Have you ever been high and drawn something? When you sober up and look at it you’re like “Man, I will never come up with anything that crazy ever again.” Mad scientists are like that. There’s a whole cornucopia of ways to kill another human being: bone melting rays, sounds that kill, mutated rabies virus, mini black-hole creators, doomsday devices, etc. This is the kicker. Magic can’t really wipe entire cities off the map. Sure, you can summon (what’s with all the fucking summoning?) Merciclades, the Gate Keeper of Hell, and have him tear-ass through Tokyo, but you gotta collect the 9 ancient relics of Masidonia and perform the blood ritual on top of Mt. Jakritha on the night Mercury is in the 7th house and blah blah. Fuck all that. When America needed a fucking A-bomb we fucking made 2 of them, on time and under budget, and bombed Japan back into the motherfucking radioactive stone age. Fuck yes.

Science: brining world peace through atomic terror

Court
All rise for the honorable Judge Reiss. In the case of Magic v. Science, let it be shown that the two are equally tied. To decide once and for all which is better, a debate will be held. We will here opening statements by Magic, then Science. Then counter arguments. And finally, closing statements. Mr. Magic, you may proceed.

Thank you, your honor. My friends, magic has been with us since the dawn of civilization. It is a part of who we are, our identity. Early shamans learned to use the forces of nature to benefit us as a species. There is magic all around us. Plants with special properties, animals of the forest serve us as spirit guides. Even the 4 elements, aligned in the 4 cardinal directions, can predict everything from astronomical events to when you will die. My friends, magic, is real.

Yo fuck this motherfucker. That gay ass shit ain’t even real, son. Word. Ah ah ah holdup holdup. This nigga be sayin’ he be predictin’ the moon an’ shit. That’s some jive bullshit, son. It ain’t no mystery. I got numberz, son. Shit son niggaz be walkin’ on the moon. Ya heard? Moon walkin’ all up in the motherfucker an’ shit. Ya feel me?

Can you honestly take this man seriously? He is about as refined and sophisticated as a barbarian orc.

Nigga I get results. ‘Splodin’ shit an’ bombs an’ shit. Runnin’ crew, street lyfe, ya feel me?

I implore this impartial jury to use logic. By Merlin’s beard may you open your eyes and see the light. Magic is and forever will be humanities saving grace. Thank you.

Yo you vote for this gay ass nigga you be gay. That’s science. Word.

It is the opinion of this court that in the case of Magic v. Science, we find Science to be the winner on the grounds that 1) science is a ubiquitous testament to the ingenuity of our species, 2) science is directly responsible for the increased standard of living and longevity of life and 3) magic isn’t real.

*pictured above: Zantanna v. Batgirl