Skate Witches

I really hate people who harp on the 80’s like it was our generation’s golden age. You know who I’m talking about; that guy who has to reference everything 80’s, watches I Love the 80’s, half-ironically likes The Cure, talks about 80’s cartoons like they gave birth to and nursed him, and they absolutely love Family Guy…for all the 80’s references.

The 80’s fucking sucked because it was, sad to say, exactly the same as this past shitty decade. Asshole reactionary president, big punk and emo sub culture, bizarre cartoons, revenge of the nerds; they’re the same goddamn decade. Shit, you had people shopping at thrift stores just so they can wear vintage 80’s clothing like stone-washed jeans and bright neon shirts because it’s so fucking ironic and 80’s and OMG. When you do something that hard that ironically it loses all irony and all of a sudden it’s 1983 again.

This is not necessarily a bad thing.

There’s a video on youtube called Skate Witches that has absolutely fascinated me. Its so shitty and terrible and poorly acted and retarded, and fucking “Skate and Destroy” is being played on a boom box off screen…I just love it.

“We’re the Skate Witches and we don’t take no crap from [*spookily*] no oooone…” Oh, be still my throbbing heart. I’m totally under their spell. I too, only ride at midnight.

Yeah, irreverent youth sub cultures never change. Their cliché total lack of vision is as eternal as the tides. Seriously, there are a million youtube videos of emo and third-wave punks wearing the same Misfits shirt doing the exact same retarded stuff.

To find out what’s in store for our mirror generation, I tracked down the Queen Witch, whose real name is Jenny Parker, and shot the shit with her about her life after high school. We sat down outside at a coffee shop/bistro in DuPont Circle where Jenny talked and took huge drags from her clove cigarette.

Me: So, are the Skate Witches still around?
Jenny Parker:…Hmm?

Are the Skate Witches-
Noooooooo…no. We haven’t talked since Slutty Sarah slept with my boyfriend at prom.

You guys went to prom? I figured that would be the last place you’d go to in High School.
Yeah, I mean, we were going TP the parking lot while everyone was dancing in the gym. Sarah and David lived on the same side of town so they came together. When I showed up they were screwing in David’s car.

Harsh. And that was the end of the Skate Witches?
Sorta. I had to repeat senior year. They graduated and moved on and I had to stay behind. It was a rough year.

I bet.
I mean I caught those bastards cheating on me, and my rat died. It was a lot of stress no wonder I failed.

What was your rat’s name?
Willow. She was my best friend. I accidently sat on her.

What did you do after you graduated?
Well, after I got my GED I stayed in my mom’s and my mom’s boyfriend’s house while I worked at a pet store. I was going to move to New York after I saved up $5,000 but do you have any idea how hard that is when you work minimum wage and spend most of your money on drugs and gas to go to punk shows?

Why didn’t you just find a squat somewhere in New York or L.A.? That’s what real punks usually do.
I was gonna but I didn’t.

Why?
Tsk, ugh! You’re just as bad as my mom’s stupid boyfriend.

When did you move out of your parent’s place?
I didn’t.

I’m sorry?
I didn’t move out of my parent’s place.

Oh.
Yeah…

[During the awkward pause in the conversation, Patty kills half of her cigarette in one pull]

Any hobbies?
I like to go to cemeteries at night, lay on top of the graves and smoke.

Weed or cigarettes?
Usually just my cloves but if I have some weed I’ll smoke it.

Cool.
Would you like to join me tonight?

That’s OK, I have to get this article back to the office and edit it for tomorrow. Anything else you’d like to say, maybe to all the would-be neo Skate Witches out there?
Parents never understand your heart. That’s why it doesn’t matter if I don’t have one. Punk rock never dies!