The History of Thanksgiving

I thought for today's blog entry, I would explore the mysterious and often neglected history of Thanksgiving; the best November turkey-based holiday south of Canada. 

The first Thanksgiving was celebrated 50,000 years ago in what is now known as Detroit (then known as The Incorruptible Garden) by the first Men: Adam, Prometheus, and Vandal Savage. Back then, there were no women, no fire, and no Green Lantern. Times were bleak. 

But there were plenty of turkeys. Turkeys had lived in peaceful societies for millennia, making great advancements in technology, medicine and the arts. But absolute power corrupts absolutely. Fueled by an insatiable desire for petroleum natural resources, gradually, tension rose between the two turkey superpowers until conflict finally erupted. In the wake of the 2nd Turkey Nuclear War, the fall-out from Uranium-based weaponry had obliterated 90% of the turkey population, leaving the remaining 10% mutated and in a state of regressed, primal fury. The plains teamed with roving gangs of the damned, not unlike 28 Days Later or Mad Max. Enter: the first men of Earth. 

For years they endured the ravages of sin embodied within the turkeys. Surely, they could do better at society than the previous masters of the Earth. So they silently laid out a plan. And one day the carried it into motion. 

They prayed to God.

Vandal Savage prayed for the power to destroy the turkeys. He was granted the sword Excalibur. And lo, did he lay waste to the turkey vermin. And yay, for 3 days and nights did Vandal Savage stab, slice, bludgeon, kick, bite and murder his way to glory for the Lord. 

Adam prayed for a woman. As God made a woman out a rib bone of Adams (a very tricky medical procedure known as Femora Scapula Alderonomy), Prometheus raced up Mt. McKinley and stole fire from a distracted, omnipotent God. 

When the dust had settled, they decided to celebrate. This was the dawn of a new era, and a feast was in order. And so was the first Thanksgiving. Vandal Savage provided the meat, Prometheus the fire on which to cook the meat, and Adam the woman for who should actually do all the cooking. They all sat and dined. When it was over they all gave thanks to God for the gifts that were bestowed upon them, except Prometheus since he had to steal his gift.