Chicks love Christian Bale. Like, REALLY love him. They would stab their best friend in the back and then the front, and then the back a few more times, just to lick him (not even in a sexual manner). The guy stars in some really choice movies like American Psycho and the new Batman movies, but I still don’t know why that automatically indoctrinates him into the pantheon of Totally Badass 20th Century Americans along side Bruce Lee and Evel Knievel. The two girls I was with last night were just as perplexed as I was.
“What?! Why wouldn’t he be a badass? He beat the shit out of his mom and sister.”
That’s more asshole than badass. Close but waaaaaay off.
“Common he’s totally amazing. He’s fucking Batman. Why do you hate him?”
Excellent question. Let’s find out, together, just what makes Christian Bale Christian Bale, what makes Christian Bale Batman, and finally what makes Christian Bale beat his family. Maybe I won’t hate him! To do this boys and girls, we will use our
IMAAAAAAAAAGIIIIIIINAAAAAAAATIIIOOOOONS…
and climb into a teeny tiny flying yellow submarine so we can travel through the head of the man who won Best Superhero in the super posh, exclusive and revered Spike TV Scream Awards!
Hold on tight, kiddies! This is going to be rough! We are heading up Mr. Bale’s nose on the first leg of our journey. We are going to his brain Egyptian Style, which first puts us in contact with his olphactory bulb. This is the part of his brain that identifies super expensive Hollywood cocaine. Once activated, it then sends a signal out to his penis telling it to get soft and a signal to his amygdala, triggering crying and family-hitting.
Toot toot! We are heading north! Up, up, up we go! There’s gold in them thar hills! Hee hee. Just kidding. I’m not really a late 19th century California gold prospector. I’m a neuroscientist tour guide inside Christina Bale’s Brain. Aaaaaaand here we are at the frontal lobe. This is the part that does all the logic processing and heavy thinking. This part is what made Christian decide staring in Reign of Fire and Equilibrium were good choices.
As we all know, Mr. Bale is a member of Greenpeace and has been a vegetarian since he was 6 when he came of age and read Charlotte’s Web. The years of not eating meat has caused severe neuronal atrophy across the brain. If you look out to the starboard side, you can see a very wide chasm. It’s like the Grand Canyon! It spans across the superior temporal gyrus from the temporal lobe to the parietal lobe. That’s where his Wernicke’s Area should be. This is a lot of fancy nerd-talk for “nigga don’t listen”.
Here we are at the hippocampus, the area responsible for memory acquisition. If you look over to that meter, it says he repeated the phrase “I… am Batman!” an astounding 13,755 times. Unfortunately, it also tells us that he said the phrase “A little guilt goes a long way” from the Machinist just 3 times.
Well, it looks like this is the end of our journey. We learned a lot and I suppose when all’s aid and done, Christian Bale is alright for a British person. OH! That’s right! Definitive proof! He CAN’T be a Totally Badass 20th Century American because he’s not a fucking American! Or a badass!
Now get the hell out of my submarine.
“What?! Why wouldn’t he be a badass? He beat the shit out of his mom and sister.”
That’s more asshole than badass. Close but waaaaaay off.
“Common he’s totally amazing. He’s fucking Batman. Why do you hate him?”
Excellent question. Let’s find out, together, just what makes Christian Bale Christian Bale, what makes Christian Bale Batman, and finally what makes Christian Bale beat his family. Maybe I won’t hate him! To do this boys and girls, we will use our
IMAAAAAAAAAGIIIIIIINAAAAAAAATIIIOOOOONS…
and climb into a teeny tiny flying yellow submarine so we can travel through the head of the man who won Best Superhero in the super posh, exclusive and revered Spike TV Scream Awards!
Hold on tight, kiddies! This is going to be rough! We are heading up Mr. Bale’s nose on the first leg of our journey. We are going to his brain Egyptian Style, which first puts us in contact with his olphactory bulb. This is the part of his brain that identifies super expensive Hollywood cocaine. Once activated, it then sends a signal out to his penis telling it to get soft and a signal to his amygdala, triggering crying and family-hitting.
Toot toot! We are heading north! Up, up, up we go! There’s gold in them thar hills! Hee hee. Just kidding. I’m not really a late 19th century California gold prospector. I’m a neuroscientist tour guide inside Christina Bale’s Brain. Aaaaaaand here we are at the frontal lobe. This is the part that does all the logic processing and heavy thinking. This part is what made Christian decide staring in Reign of Fire and Equilibrium were good choices.
As we all know, Mr. Bale is a member of Greenpeace and has been a vegetarian since he was 6 when he came of age and read Charlotte’s Web. The years of not eating meat has caused severe neuronal atrophy across the brain. If you look out to the starboard side, you can see a very wide chasm. It’s like the Grand Canyon! It spans across the superior temporal gyrus from the temporal lobe to the parietal lobe. That’s where his Wernicke’s Area should be. This is a lot of fancy nerd-talk for “nigga don’t listen”.
Here we are at the hippocampus, the area responsible for memory acquisition. If you look over to that meter, it says he repeated the phrase “I… am Batman!” an astounding 13,755 times. Unfortunately, it also tells us that he said the phrase “A little guilt goes a long way” from the Machinist just 3 times.
Well, it looks like this is the end of our journey. We learned a lot and I suppose when all’s aid and done, Christian Bale is alright for a British person. OH! That’s right! Definitive proof! He CAN’T be a Totally Badass 20th Century American because he’s not a fucking American! Or a badass!
Now get the hell out of my submarine.
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