We’ve all heard the promise of 5 hours of energy without the crash. That’s because 5 hour energy contains vitamins, enzymes and amino acids (uh…enzymes are made up of amino acids…). And no sugar! But aside from sounding like complete bullshit, I decided to try some. I mean, they have celebrity endorsements from professional racecar drivers and football players, the crazed truckers and coke-headed murderers of the sports world, and they would never, ever, EVER lie to me just to make a profit. I am a man of science, so I handled this situation like a true blue scientist. Oh yeah, I put some sugar in my drink because it tastes like ass. Les do dis.
Ingestion
The makers make the comparison that this stuff is “a shot of energy”. It’s more like a double shot of bile. It was thicker than water, but it had this really gross oily consistency to it. I had to use an old cough medicine trick I used when I was a kid. You pour the shit in your mouth, and raise your tongue up so it’s just sitting there, basting your bottom teeth and probably stripping them of the outer layer of enamel. Grab a huge glass of water and chug. Chug like a champion. Finally grab your stomach and think of Sesame Street. Anything to keep from puking.
Hour 1
Not really feeling the power yet, but I do start to feel a bit goofy. By now the pangs in my stomach have quieted to a dull roar. I begin to notice weird things. Like, how loud your own heart beat sounds inside your head, or that moths flap their wings 108 times a minute when it’s 25 degrees Celsius, and 120 when it’s 26 degrees Celsius. I know because I counted. I kept a notepad with me where I wrote down all my thoughts. I apparently scribbled down something about the television “being lazy”.
Hour 2
Holy shit I am off! I’m like Super Mark. It was still the same me, just me x1000. I guess this stuff isn’t bullshit. Taking full advantage of my situation, I decided to go for a sprint to see how well I would perform. I don’t remember too many details from this part. All I remember is that I ran to the next county and back, wearing out the souls of my shoes in the process. Once my feet started to bleed considerably, I finished the rest of the run walking (running?) on my hands.
Hour 3
By now my trip has taken on an edge of anger and desperation. My dog is scared of me. I forget why, but I start screaming at him. I’m just screaming and screaming, until eventually I go hoarse and collapse right where I’m standing and I begin to weep uncontrollably. “What’s happening to me!?” I sob. I crawl through the halls on my hands and knees, punching through the walls and ripping out plumbing and electric cables. I’m searching for The Borrowers, the little gnomes who live in your walls and “borrow” things like a spool of thread or an old pocket watch. Those little bastards somehow stole my soul and I wanted to drink their blood in return.
Hour 4
I need more power! That was the answer! Halfway through a self sacrificing ritual to Satan for more power, I realized that power was in my reach the whole time. I just needed another shot of 5 hour energy! I jump up and run out the door, completely forgetting to put my shirt back on. That causes problems for me when I run into 7-ll. The guy at the counter is miffed. “Hey you! You no come in here like that! You no come in here like that!” I wonder if he noticed the blood all over my hands. I killed Jesus on the way over. He was sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus or something. I just…sorta…walk up to him, you know? And just…grabbed his neck. And I’m just squeezing, and squeezing…he stops moving. And I start to cry. “You asshole…” I mutter. And I start punching and punching. Just really letting loose on him until finally I can’t recognize his face any more. I let out a piercing wail. The memory races through my head at speeds of 75,000 mph. Back in the moment, I grab a few bottles of energy, pop the caps and down them. I pause. My eyes slowly roll back. The rest of my body follows, and I pass out on the floor.
Hour 5
I’m not entirely sure what happens next. Just brief memories, glimpses of memories actually, of screams, metal bending and a feeling of jumping through the clouds. The first real clear memories I have are of me running through the desert. I’m 2000 miles away from any desert! How the fuck did I get there! I’m running from the United States Army. They really start to piss me off. They’re getting up all in my face with the 1st armored infantry. An M1 Abrams tank is staring me down. I grab the barrel and tie it into a bow. Take that, sucka! A helicopter opens fire on me, hitting my back with a few hundred rounds of machine gun fire. “FUUUUUCK!!!” I scream. I jump 70 feet in the air and punch it fucking hard. I really knock the shit off that dick! There’s no smoke. It crashes and erupts in flames. This goes on for a while until General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross makes a bold gesture and confronts me face to face. I pick him up and eat him whole like a Swedish Fish. Jennifer Connelly talks to me. “This has to end! Please! No more rage! I love you!” I eat her too.
All in all, 5-hour energy is pretty alright. I’d do it again.
Ingestion
The makers make the comparison that this stuff is “a shot of energy”. It’s more like a double shot of bile. It was thicker than water, but it had this really gross oily consistency to it. I had to use an old cough medicine trick I used when I was a kid. You pour the shit in your mouth, and raise your tongue up so it’s just sitting there, basting your bottom teeth and probably stripping them of the outer layer of enamel. Grab a huge glass of water and chug. Chug like a champion. Finally grab your stomach and think of Sesame Street. Anything to keep from puking.
Hour 1
Not really feeling the power yet, but I do start to feel a bit goofy. By now the pangs in my stomach have quieted to a dull roar. I begin to notice weird things. Like, how loud your own heart beat sounds inside your head, or that moths flap their wings 108 times a minute when it’s 25 degrees Celsius, and 120 when it’s 26 degrees Celsius. I know because I counted. I kept a notepad with me where I wrote down all my thoughts. I apparently scribbled down something about the television “being lazy”.
Hour 2
Holy shit I am off! I’m like Super Mark. It was still the same me, just me x1000. I guess this stuff isn’t bullshit. Taking full advantage of my situation, I decided to go for a sprint to see how well I would perform. I don’t remember too many details from this part. All I remember is that I ran to the next county and back, wearing out the souls of my shoes in the process. Once my feet started to bleed considerably, I finished the rest of the run walking (running?) on my hands.
Hour 3
By now my trip has taken on an edge of anger and desperation. My dog is scared of me. I forget why, but I start screaming at him. I’m just screaming and screaming, until eventually I go hoarse and collapse right where I’m standing and I begin to weep uncontrollably. “What’s happening to me!?” I sob. I crawl through the halls on my hands and knees, punching through the walls and ripping out plumbing and electric cables. I’m searching for The Borrowers, the little gnomes who live in your walls and “borrow” things like a spool of thread or an old pocket watch. Those little bastards somehow stole my soul and I wanted to drink their blood in return.
Hour 4
I need more power! That was the answer! Halfway through a self sacrificing ritual to Satan for more power, I realized that power was in my reach the whole time. I just needed another shot of 5 hour energy! I jump up and run out the door, completely forgetting to put my shirt back on. That causes problems for me when I run into 7-ll. The guy at the counter is miffed. “Hey you! You no come in here like that! You no come in here like that!” I wonder if he noticed the blood all over my hands. I killed Jesus on the way over. He was sitting on a bench, waiting for a bus or something. I just…sorta…walk up to him, you know? And just…grabbed his neck. And I’m just squeezing, and squeezing…he stops moving. And I start to cry. “You asshole…” I mutter. And I start punching and punching. Just really letting loose on him until finally I can’t recognize his face any more. I let out a piercing wail. The memory races through my head at speeds of 75,000 mph. Back in the moment, I grab a few bottles of energy, pop the caps and down them. I pause. My eyes slowly roll back. The rest of my body follows, and I pass out on the floor.
Hour 5
I’m not entirely sure what happens next. Just brief memories, glimpses of memories actually, of screams, metal bending and a feeling of jumping through the clouds. The first real clear memories I have are of me running through the desert. I’m 2000 miles away from any desert! How the fuck did I get there! I’m running from the United States Army. They really start to piss me off. They’re getting up all in my face with the 1st armored infantry. An M1 Abrams tank is staring me down. I grab the barrel and tie it into a bow. Take that, sucka! A helicopter opens fire on me, hitting my back with a few hundred rounds of machine gun fire. “FUUUUUCK!!!” I scream. I jump 70 feet in the air and punch it fucking hard. I really knock the shit off that dick! There’s no smoke. It crashes and erupts in flames. This goes on for a while until General Thaddeus “Thunderbolt” Ross makes a bold gesture and confronts me face to face. I pick him up and eat him whole like a Swedish Fish. Jennifer Connelly talks to me. “This has to end! Please! No more rage! I love you!” I eat her too.
All in all, 5-hour energy is pretty alright. I’d do it again.
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