Ice
This seems like a no-brainer but I have to include it because it’s important, it’s versatile, and I can’t think of another I word. Excluding shots, if you drink whiskey without ice cubes in your glass it is considered gauche if you’re over 26 (older people are supposed to have decorum, you hillbilly). Have you ever done an ice-luge? You need ice for that, duh. Vodka and ice isn’t just a good recipe for “naked time”. They also make great disinfectants and reduce swelling for the many open wounds your guests are sure to (and expected to) receive during the night. Otherwise it just isn’t officially a party
Jumping on the Bed
Seems like a bad idea now when you’re sober and reading this at work, but trust me when I say this is a sure-fire way to resuscitate a dying party. It’s all about doing what you’re not supposed to. You weren’t allowed when you were a kid because your parents, my parents, everyone’s parents, are tyrannical dicks. You can’t now because your downstairs neighbors have work at 7 in the morning. Fuck them. You don’t need them or their bullshit anymore. Party on.
King Cups
Everyone has their own favorite card drinking game. This one’s mine. The key is making sure everyone adheres to the rules, especially the ones you make up along the way (best rule: removing the word “drink” and all variations of it from the party’s lexicon. Otherwise…you drink!). Like your guests, the cup at the end needs to be filled with a variety of nasty things. Fill it with liquor, beer, wine, margarita mix, whatever. Fill it to the top. Be a dick. Cringe for the poor soul who has to pound it. And pray that it is not you.
Ladies Night
I read women’s magazines. They’re always like “Oh guys are so hard to figure out but we cracked the man-code in this month’s issue!” Uh, sorry to break it to you, but guys are not complicated. They are painfully simple minded. If you have to think about what a guy wants at all, you are thinking too much. Fact.
Women, on the other hand, are not simple. They are slightly more complex. If you think you can get away without cleaning up your place before a party…bad. That’s a bad, bad reader. BAD. I don’t want to make a whole bunch of overarching statements about the two sexes, but the bottom line is this: if you find a girl who is pretty, funny, crude, nice, witty, has good taste in everything, likes to pound drinks and commit petty crimes, yell for fun and is single, you fucking start calling her “wife” right away and you don’t stop until the day you die in a retirement facility in Boca Raton with her at your side sobbing “You are the only love of my life don’t leeeaaave me!” because girls like that are 1 in 7,000,000,000. Maybe she will show up to your party.
Music
I’m going to step on a lot of toes here, but I’ll try to proceed with caution. Don’t play any music you can freak dance to. Pro tip to girls: guys who dance like that with you are either huge assholes or gay. Neither ever get laid for it. And when girls dance with each other? Gavin McInnes said it best. I’ll paraphrase: “Um, what are you doing? For the last time, freaking is when you simulate fucking a girl doggy style. What are you going to do next? Imaginary pull out and cum on her back?”
Throw on whatever you want, and again, diversity is key, but a good rule of thumb is to play music people will want to sing along to. There’s just something about Bohemian Rhapsody that unites us all.
Nudity
If the orgy (in the Roman sense) is the ultimate party, then naked people are the ultimate partiers. The trick is to get the first girl naked. See, guys will get naked for a ton of different reasons ranging from the heat to “it’s naked penis time, whoops sorry, but this is when I always get naked deal with it…” It’s endearing and deplorable at the same time. But girls will only shed clothing if they feel good and comfortable. It is a lot like coaxing a deer out of the woods with hand gestures. “Common…coooooommoooooon…coo-yes, yes. Good girl. See? We’re not going to hurt you. You’re just curious. You’re a curious deer. Yes. Yes I know. Stop licking me.” But once you get one nude, the party starts to gain inertia and before you know it you’ll be talking about this night for 50 years.
“Oh shit”
You need a few moments like these. They are a staple and inevitable. “Oh shit the cops are here.” “Oh shit where’s my phone?” “Oh shit is it broken?” “Oh shit he just killed that whole bottle.”
Popcorn/Pop Tarts/Pizza Pockets/Pizza/Pastries
“Guy’s gotta eat.” Why is it all the best drunk food begins with the letter P? Submit to your guests this cornucopia of garbage around hour 4 and then be prepared to be the most popular person in the state for 3 minutes.
Quests/Missions
This is the follow up to “Oh shit”. It’s your time to shine. Something needs to be done. “I need to talk my way out of this somehow…thiiiink…” “”We need to retrace our, mine, his, that guys steps to-wait! Lets just call your phone!” “Put some ice on that leg. Get me a hockey stick and some duct tape, I’m making a splint.” “We need to find someone sober enough to drive us to the liquor store.”
This seems like a no-brainer but I have to include it because it’s important, it’s versatile, and I can’t think of another I word. Excluding shots, if you drink whiskey without ice cubes in your glass it is considered gauche if you’re over 26 (older people are supposed to have decorum, you hillbilly). Have you ever done an ice-luge? You need ice for that, duh. Vodka and ice isn’t just a good recipe for “naked time”. They also make great disinfectants and reduce swelling for the many open wounds your guests are sure to (and expected to) receive during the night. Otherwise it just isn’t officially a party
Jumping on the Bed
Seems like a bad idea now when you’re sober and reading this at work, but trust me when I say this is a sure-fire way to resuscitate a dying party. It’s all about doing what you’re not supposed to. You weren’t allowed when you were a kid because your parents, my parents, everyone’s parents, are tyrannical dicks. You can’t now because your downstairs neighbors have work at 7 in the morning. Fuck them. You don’t need them or their bullshit anymore. Party on.
King Cups
Everyone has their own favorite card drinking game. This one’s mine. The key is making sure everyone adheres to the rules, especially the ones you make up along the way (best rule: removing the word “drink” and all variations of it from the party’s lexicon. Otherwise…you drink!). Like your guests, the cup at the end needs to be filled with a variety of nasty things. Fill it with liquor, beer, wine, margarita mix, whatever. Fill it to the top. Be a dick. Cringe for the poor soul who has to pound it. And pray that it is not you.
Ladies Night
I read women’s magazines. They’re always like “Oh guys are so hard to figure out but we cracked the man-code in this month’s issue!” Uh, sorry to break it to you, but guys are not complicated. They are painfully simple minded. If you have to think about what a guy wants at all, you are thinking too much. Fact.
Women, on the other hand, are not simple. They are slightly more complex. If you think you can get away without cleaning up your place before a party…bad. That’s a bad, bad reader. BAD. I don’t want to make a whole bunch of overarching statements about the two sexes, but the bottom line is this: if you find a girl who is pretty, funny, crude, nice, witty, has good taste in everything, likes to pound drinks and commit petty crimes, yell for fun and is single, you fucking start calling her “wife” right away and you don’t stop until the day you die in a retirement facility in Boca Raton with her at your side sobbing “You are the only love of my life don’t leeeaaave me!” because girls like that are 1 in 7,000,000,000. Maybe she will show up to your party.
Music
I’m going to step on a lot of toes here, but I’ll try to proceed with caution. Don’t play any music you can freak dance to. Pro tip to girls: guys who dance like that with you are either huge assholes or gay. Neither ever get laid for it. And when girls dance with each other? Gavin McInnes said it best. I’ll paraphrase: “Um, what are you doing? For the last time, freaking is when you simulate fucking a girl doggy style. What are you going to do next? Imaginary pull out and cum on her back?”
Throw on whatever you want, and again, diversity is key, but a good rule of thumb is to play music people will want to sing along to. There’s just something about Bohemian Rhapsody that unites us all.
Nudity
If the orgy (in the Roman sense) is the ultimate party, then naked people are the ultimate partiers. The trick is to get the first girl naked. See, guys will get naked for a ton of different reasons ranging from the heat to “it’s naked penis time, whoops sorry, but this is when I always get naked deal with it…” It’s endearing and deplorable at the same time. But girls will only shed clothing if they feel good and comfortable. It is a lot like coaxing a deer out of the woods with hand gestures. “Common…coooooommoooooon…coo-yes, yes. Good girl. See? We’re not going to hurt you. You’re just curious. You’re a curious deer. Yes. Yes I know. Stop licking me.” But once you get one nude, the party starts to gain inertia and before you know it you’ll be talking about this night for 50 years.
“Oh shit”
You need a few moments like these. They are a staple and inevitable. “Oh shit the cops are here.” “Oh shit where’s my phone?” “Oh shit is it broken?” “Oh shit he just killed that whole bottle.”
Popcorn/Pop Tarts/Pizza Pockets/Pizza/Pastries
“Guy’s gotta eat.” Why is it all the best drunk food begins with the letter P? Submit to your guests this cornucopia of garbage around hour 4 and then be prepared to be the most popular person in the state for 3 minutes.
Quests/Missions
This is the follow up to “Oh shit”. It’s your time to shine. Something needs to be done. “I need to talk my way out of this somehow…thiiiink…” “”We need to retrace our, mine, his, that guys steps to-wait! Lets just call your phone!” “Put some ice on that leg. Get me a hockey stick and some duct tape, I’m making a splint.” “We need to find someone sober enough to drive us to the liquor store.”
Just leave the dorky Warcraft jokes alone, alright you fucking dork?
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