Hockey vs. Geese

What's with all the Canada hate?

I like Canada. They're a bunch of pleasant bland people who occasionally toss down to us some pretty cool stuff: Maple syrup, beavers, Rush, French-Canadian Girls (so long as the don't talk), weed, poutine, and lumber.

But you know what? Fuck Canada. They pretend to like us but secretly hate us for being the Fonz to their Richie Cunningham. And have you seen the shit they try to slip by us under a frozen hell-blizzard veil?: Alanis Morissette, mimes, Rush. 

Canada certainly is a land of contrast and diversity. That's why I'm going to lay down the best and worst of what Canada has to offer to us (and I suppose the world).

Best: Hockey

Hockey fucking rules. It's just like soccer but more dangerous and actually fun to watch. Oh and the players actually get hurt (youtube: fake soccer injury). Oh and the fights. Fights on the ice happen, pretty much, every single game. I went to a CAPS game last Thursday. Two minutes after sitting down, the CAPS token black guy Donald Brashear beat the living shit out of Wade Brookbank of the Hurricanes in a hilarious fashion. Imagine, Ultimate Fighting meets Double Dare but with less slime and the 20,000 member studio audience is going "AAAWWW SHIT TAKE THAT YOU FUCKING PUNK BITCH! FUCK!". Well, that's at least what the group of cub scouts behind me were shouting. 

Hockey is also the most inspirational sport of all time. On the top of every single greatest sports moment of all time list, you know what's number 1? The 1980 olympic victory of the amateur US hockey team over the professional Soviet Union, forever immortalized in the second best film of all time, Miracle (the best film of all time: The Mighty Ducks. See where I'm going with this?)

Worst: Canadian Geese

God I hate these things. They even have "Canada" in their name. They're not even birds. When you see a flock of Canadian Geese, it's actually a swarm of honking, shitting, giant locusts, searching for land to lay waste to and ducks to eat. They, shit, EVERYWHERE, and take none in return. Have you ever tried shooing a goose. You're like, "Agh, get out of here!"

"No, you get out of here!" they say back with through their "tthhhhhh!" hiss. Thhh! Thhh! Thhh! Just like every annoying person has a littthhhhhp, so do geese. 

The best goose encounter I ever had was when I saw one's head explode. Some patriotic soul chased, no, defended,  a local pond from a swarm of geese, so they took refuge in a open parking lot. A parking lot right next to a very busy 4 lane street (Reston Pkwy.). Littered on the street, among mounds of goose shit, were several bloody piles of feathers. A few intrepid ne'er-d0-wells decided to venture across. The lights changed, and traffic picked up. Sensing danger, they headed back, but one did not make it. It was struck buy a car. Not just any car, but a truck going 45-50 (probably faster). The only contact the goose made was with its head against the shiny chrome bumper. No one helped it as its innards sprayed everywhere like chunky confetti. Geese don't look after their own kind. They are selfish. 

It was beautiful. I cried.

Thank you, Canada.