We live in trying times. The economy sucks, no one has a job anymore and the planet is 15 years away from complete destruction. What’s a guy to do? Party. Hard. How else are you going to cope? But parties in of themselves can be stressful endeavors. No worries. Just follow this simple guide and soon enough you’ll be known as the Good Time Party Guy of Parties.
Alcohol
Here’s a fun fact: human beings have been drinking alcohol since the dawn of civilization (~30,000 B.C.?). It’s as old as grain. And even animals like to let loose once in a while and eat fermented fruit. That’s because life is stressful and you need to take the edge off. The only difference is back then, they were scared of lions eating them and demons. Today you’re worried about not having health insurance and why the Redskins lost to the Cowboys again. If you throw a party without alcohol, and you’re at least 21 years old, people are legally obligated to call you a Pussy Baby Fag Wuss. I shouldn’t even need to explain this part.
Bring a Bunch of Different People
I would have listed this under D for Diversity but I have a better D coming up. Parties thrive on getting everyone from all your different social circles together and mingling. A bunch of white guys in striped shirts, backwards hats named Chad drinking Natty Light is not a party. That’s called a gang. A really, really lame gang. But mix together a witty fag with vodka, a thuggish black guy, a wanton slut (who’s not even drunk!), a paki in med school, and some kid who’ll hurt himself for attention and you’ve got the makings of a Rainbow Coalition that Jesse Jackson puked-up at the end of a really kick ass party. And that’s a good thing.
Creative Corner
People like to do stuff. It’s a fact. The problem with drunks is that they have the mentality of children, and just like children, if you don’t leave out something for them to play with, they’re going to destroy things. I suggest markers and pens. Let your guests draw all over each other and have another one of your trademark “Robert is too much of a pussy to get a real tattoo so lets give him a bunch of fake tattoos” parties. Bonus points if you let guests draw on the walls. Either way you’ll be looking at a lot of cartoon dicks. Be prepared to find a use for the 5 ft. tall Beeramid that is erected mysteriously in the middle of the night. If you throw that thing out its creators will hate you forever. Plus, common. A Beeramid is pretty cool. Say hello to your new, unusable side table.
Drugs
Um, duh. What do you think alcohol is? A vitamin? People do drugs. That’s normal. You just need to draw the line somewhere. No one should have a problem with weed or cigarettes, just so long as done outside and not stinking up the place. Take all the people on shrooms, acid, DMT, etc, throw them in a room with some aluminum foil and a flashlight and call it an evening. Give the girl on E another shot. No one parties on heroin or K, and you shouldn’t even be associating with those kinds of people. You’re hosting a party, not a daycare center for Debbie Downers. I’ll leave coke up to your discretion. Personally, I’m willing to turn a blind eye towards it if that means my witty fag will have enough juice to talk for 7 hours straight. That guy’s crazy.
Everybody Loves Raymond
The show sucks, but it’s good to leave on your TV. It acts as a party filter, drawing out the shit moths to its shit flame, leaving only those who are there for the long haul.
Fighting
I only have one rule at parties and it’s “Don’t be a dick”. It’s that simple. Follow it and everyone will have a great time. If someone came to your party to start shit, round up a posse and quietly escort him out, telling him to never show up again. Fighting will not be tolerated under any circumstance.
Here are a few situations where fighting will be tolerated:
-Play fights between friends. Set up a fake ring in the back. No face shots. Betting encouraged. Also known as “Rough Housing” and “Horse Play”
-Between drunk girls. Hi-larious. Break it up after 2 minutes.
-If some guy hits a girl. You and your posse beat the fucking shit out of him until his ears bleed.
Germans, Dutch, French, Scandinavian, Columbian…
If you know a foreigner it would be stupid not to invite them. More than likely they are super nice and just happy to be invited. Cater to their every whim. You want to show how cool and generous Americans are. They are the wild-card in your diversity deck of guests. It’s almost as crucial as having a real life tranny at your place. If you can get both (either two separate people or, for example, a Scandinavian Tranny) crown yourself King of Friends.
House Parties
Houses are the ideal location to have a party. You need to see location a lot like a game of Clue: who can I do what sex act with where? Can you bang Jessica in the laundry room? How about fondle Katie in the downstairs bathroom? Get blown by Scandinavian Tranny on the smoking patio? You want many options. All your other guests will be playing this game too.
Alcohol
Here’s a fun fact: human beings have been drinking alcohol since the dawn of civilization (~30,000 B.C.?). It’s as old as grain. And even animals like to let loose once in a while and eat fermented fruit. That’s because life is stressful and you need to take the edge off. The only difference is back then, they were scared of lions eating them and demons. Today you’re worried about not having health insurance and why the Redskins lost to the Cowboys again. If you throw a party without alcohol, and you’re at least 21 years old, people are legally obligated to call you a Pussy Baby Fag Wuss. I shouldn’t even need to explain this part.
Bring a Bunch of Different People
I would have listed this under D for Diversity but I have a better D coming up. Parties thrive on getting everyone from all your different social circles together and mingling. A bunch of white guys in striped shirts, backwards hats named Chad drinking Natty Light is not a party. That’s called a gang. A really, really lame gang. But mix together a witty fag with vodka, a thuggish black guy, a wanton slut (who’s not even drunk!), a paki in med school, and some kid who’ll hurt himself for attention and you’ve got the makings of a Rainbow Coalition that Jesse Jackson puked-up at the end of a really kick ass party. And that’s a good thing.
Creative Corner
People like to do stuff. It’s a fact. The problem with drunks is that they have the mentality of children, and just like children, if you don’t leave out something for them to play with, they’re going to destroy things. I suggest markers and pens. Let your guests draw all over each other and have another one of your trademark “Robert is too much of a pussy to get a real tattoo so lets give him a bunch of fake tattoos” parties. Bonus points if you let guests draw on the walls. Either way you’ll be looking at a lot of cartoon dicks. Be prepared to find a use for the 5 ft. tall Beeramid that is erected mysteriously in the middle of the night. If you throw that thing out its creators will hate you forever. Plus, common. A Beeramid is pretty cool. Say hello to your new, unusable side table.
Drugs
Um, duh. What do you think alcohol is? A vitamin? People do drugs. That’s normal. You just need to draw the line somewhere. No one should have a problem with weed or cigarettes, just so long as done outside and not stinking up the place. Take all the people on shrooms, acid, DMT, etc, throw them in a room with some aluminum foil and a flashlight and call it an evening. Give the girl on E another shot. No one parties on heroin or K, and you shouldn’t even be associating with those kinds of people. You’re hosting a party, not a daycare center for Debbie Downers. I’ll leave coke up to your discretion. Personally, I’m willing to turn a blind eye towards it if that means my witty fag will have enough juice to talk for 7 hours straight. That guy’s crazy.
Everybody Loves Raymond
The show sucks, but it’s good to leave on your TV. It acts as a party filter, drawing out the shit moths to its shit flame, leaving only those who are there for the long haul.
Fighting
I only have one rule at parties and it’s “Don’t be a dick”. It’s that simple. Follow it and everyone will have a great time. If someone came to your party to start shit, round up a posse and quietly escort him out, telling him to never show up again. Fighting will not be tolerated under any circumstance.
Here are a few situations where fighting will be tolerated:
-Play fights between friends. Set up a fake ring in the back. No face shots. Betting encouraged. Also known as “Rough Housing” and “Horse Play”
-Between drunk girls. Hi-larious. Break it up after 2 minutes.
-If some guy hits a girl. You and your posse beat the fucking shit out of him until his ears bleed.
Germans, Dutch, French, Scandinavian, Columbian…
If you know a foreigner it would be stupid not to invite them. More than likely they are super nice and just happy to be invited. Cater to their every whim. You want to show how cool and generous Americans are. They are the wild-card in your diversity deck of guests. It’s almost as crucial as having a real life tranny at your place. If you can get both (either two separate people or, for example, a Scandinavian Tranny) crown yourself King of Friends.
House Parties
Houses are the ideal location to have a party. You need to see location a lot like a game of Clue: who can I do what sex act with where? Can you bang Jessica in the laundry room? How about fondle Katie in the downstairs bathroom? Get blown by Scandinavian Tranny on the smoking patio? You want many options. All your other guests will be playing this game too.
No comments:
Post a Comment