Really Bad Ideas
Let’s get something straight here. There’s a difference between a bad idea, and a really bad idea. Bad ideas are funny, reversible and should always be acted upon. Really bad ideas are funny too, but will totally fuck you over if they go awry. Someone is going to wind up pregnant, jailed, killed, or all 3 at the same time. Every really bad idea will cost someone at least $3,000. Don’t do them.
Scorpion Bowl
This one’s really cool, but you’ll need a coal miner’s cache of rum to pull it off. Essentially it’s a giant cocktail that everyone drinks out of, and it has a bunch of fruity pieces of nonsense floating around, plastic toys, and about 50 straws (even when there’s like, only 15 of you there). The bigger the better. The last time I made one it was out of one of those circular sleds you can buy at K-Mart, Wal-Mart, etc (we used to call them Flying Saucers). It held 7 gallons of liquid. Because it was so flimsy when filled, we had to weigh down the center with a giant statue of Fat Buddha. Then it was a handle of rum here, a handle of coconut rum there, a little bit of captain, more flavored rum, and then enough fruit juices to mask the taste. Garnish with floating pieces of oranges (some plastic frogs were chillaxing on them) and throw in some straws. Sit back and admire the handy work of/with a nice big, stiff drink.
Theme Parties
This is along the same lines as the Scorpion Bowl for garishness because it is so unnecessary, but once you make the rules official, adhere to them as if following them would get you into Heaven. Most themes involve something like costumes which is fine so long as your guests don’t half ass it. A guy wearing a bed sheet is not a costume unless he is deliberately going as a shitty guest. Drug parties would be considered a theme (which I guess would equate opium dens with Studio 54). Or you could revolve a party around an event. When the 2008 Vice Presidential debate was going on, some friends and I threw a party and turned it into a drinking game. Every time Palin said a buzz word like Wasilla, Joe Six Pack, Special Needs, every time she said something that if you could repeat it and make this grand, folksy “aw shucks” kind of arm swing, every time she took longer than 1 second to answer, you took a drink. We got wasted and that’s what’s important.
University Parties
It’s almost impossible to accurately describe the different kinds of parties you would find on campus, and they range from super shitty to orgasmic. Trying to lump them all under one insightful and funny banner is impossible for me to do, so I’ll just say this: if you went to college and could not find a single party you liked or even one to go to, you either went to the wrong college or you have no business being a member society. Period.
Very Fucked Up Guests
As I’ve been alluding to and encouraging, you’re guests should leave your party in a chemically altered state of mind from when they arrived. You’re only concerned with them not killing themselves, other guests or destroying something. Otherwise let ‘em go hog wild.
Wanderlust
Jesus Christ will this ever happen to you, especially if you’re on shrooms. Embrace it. It leads to a little something called “adventure” which leads to this thing called “good times”. Bring the gang. You guys can pretend you’re looking for buried treasure, or Dr. Livingston, or some sort of mythical beast, all while safe in your back yard. Especially if you’re on shrooms.
eX’s
Yeah, sorry buddy. This is never fun. They ALWAYS show up to the same party as you, don’t they? They are a heavier buzz kill than a hundred cops or discovering your parents’ sex tape. There’s only so much you can do. Girls usually opt for straight up ignoring their ex, flirting with some other guy, or getting really drunk and shitty abusive. All of which work pretty well. Guys aren’t supposed to have feelings, so when we discover them emerging at a party, we get the urge to drown them in Dutch ethanol. This creates a paint brush called Making an Ass of Myself which paints in many colors, all shit and puke colored. The only way to avoid this is to be best buds with the one running the party. Maybe they can bar your ex at the door. If not, then sorry. You are SOL my friend.
Youtube
I’m hesitant to include this, but it’d be stupid not to have an Ace in the hole in case things start to turn south. Don’t make this a focal point of the evening. Everyone’s got at least one video they know of that is sure to get people laughing, like that crazy hoodrat in Atlanta kirking out and rapping at an old lady*, the guy who built his own animatronic band and makes them sing shit like “Love in the Club” and “Me So Horny”**. Or the Onion News Network***.
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NZtGz_7WI0
**http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5rnQaiFm_c&feature=related
***http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hyph_DZa_GQ
Zzzzzz
All good things must come to an end. Besides, your body needs time to repair itself after you treated it like a bitch for 30 non-stop hours. Any good host would let crash at their place their friends. Everyone’s too wasted to go home anyway. Stick them in the bathroom. That will make cleaning up the puddles of puke easy while closing off the stink to the rest of the house. Draw on your passed out friends’ faces (more dicks), but go easy. We all need our rest. Work in the morning is going to be Hell.
Let’s get something straight here. There’s a difference between a bad idea, and a really bad idea. Bad ideas are funny, reversible and should always be acted upon. Really bad ideas are funny too, but will totally fuck you over if they go awry. Someone is going to wind up pregnant, jailed, killed, or all 3 at the same time. Every really bad idea will cost someone at least $3,000. Don’t do them.
Scorpion Bowl
This one’s really cool, but you’ll need a coal miner’s cache of rum to pull it off. Essentially it’s a giant cocktail that everyone drinks out of, and it has a bunch of fruity pieces of nonsense floating around, plastic toys, and about 50 straws (even when there’s like, only 15 of you there). The bigger the better. The last time I made one it was out of one of those circular sleds you can buy at K-Mart, Wal-Mart, etc (we used to call them Flying Saucers). It held 7 gallons of liquid. Because it was so flimsy when filled, we had to weigh down the center with a giant statue of Fat Buddha. Then it was a handle of rum here, a handle of coconut rum there, a little bit of captain, more flavored rum, and then enough fruit juices to mask the taste. Garnish with floating pieces of oranges (some plastic frogs were chillaxing on them) and throw in some straws. Sit back and admire the handy work of/with a nice big, stiff drink.
Theme Parties
This is along the same lines as the Scorpion Bowl for garishness because it is so unnecessary, but once you make the rules official, adhere to them as if following them would get you into Heaven. Most themes involve something like costumes which is fine so long as your guests don’t half ass it. A guy wearing a bed sheet is not a costume unless he is deliberately going as a shitty guest. Drug parties would be considered a theme (which I guess would equate opium dens with Studio 54). Or you could revolve a party around an event. When the 2008 Vice Presidential debate was going on, some friends and I threw a party and turned it into a drinking game. Every time Palin said a buzz word like Wasilla, Joe Six Pack, Special Needs, every time she said something that if you could repeat it and make this grand, folksy “aw shucks” kind of arm swing, every time she took longer than 1 second to answer, you took a drink. We got wasted and that’s what’s important.
University Parties
It’s almost impossible to accurately describe the different kinds of parties you would find on campus, and they range from super shitty to orgasmic. Trying to lump them all under one insightful and funny banner is impossible for me to do, so I’ll just say this: if you went to college and could not find a single party you liked or even one to go to, you either went to the wrong college or you have no business being a member society. Period.
Very Fucked Up Guests
As I’ve been alluding to and encouraging, you’re guests should leave your party in a chemically altered state of mind from when they arrived. You’re only concerned with them not killing themselves, other guests or destroying something. Otherwise let ‘em go hog wild.
Wanderlust
Jesus Christ will this ever happen to you, especially if you’re on shrooms. Embrace it. It leads to a little something called “adventure” which leads to this thing called “good times”. Bring the gang. You guys can pretend you’re looking for buried treasure, or Dr. Livingston, or some sort of mythical beast, all while safe in your back yard. Especially if you’re on shrooms.
eX’s
Yeah, sorry buddy. This is never fun. They ALWAYS show up to the same party as you, don’t they? They are a heavier buzz kill than a hundred cops or discovering your parents’ sex tape. There’s only so much you can do. Girls usually opt for straight up ignoring their ex, flirting with some other guy, or getting really drunk and shitty abusive. All of which work pretty well. Guys aren’t supposed to have feelings, so when we discover them emerging at a party, we get the urge to drown them in Dutch ethanol. This creates a paint brush called Making an Ass of Myself which paints in many colors, all shit and puke colored. The only way to avoid this is to be best buds with the one running the party. Maybe they can bar your ex at the door. If not, then sorry. You are SOL my friend.
Youtube
I’m hesitant to include this, but it’d be stupid not to have an Ace in the hole in case things start to turn south. Don’t make this a focal point of the evening. Everyone’s got at least one video they know of that is sure to get people laughing, like that crazy hoodrat in Atlanta kirking out and rapping at an old lady*, the guy who built his own animatronic band and makes them sing shit like “Love in the Club” and “Me So Horny”**. Or the Onion News Network***.
*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-NZtGz_7WI0
**http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5rnQaiFm_c&feature=related
***http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hyph_DZa_GQ
Zzzzzz
All good things must come to an end. Besides, your body needs time to repair itself after you treated it like a bitch for 30 non-stop hours. Any good host would let crash at their place their friends. Everyone’s too wasted to go home anyway. Stick them in the bathroom. That will make cleaning up the puddles of puke easy while closing off the stink to the rest of the house. Draw on your passed out friends’ faces (more dicks), but go easy. We all need our rest. Work in the morning is going to be Hell.
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