That is absurd. How can this be? I understand missing other esoteric race-based holidays like Irish Appreciation Week or Hug A Chinamen Day, but common. Hasn’t the press noticed the man living at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave? I’m pretty sure brutha is MAKING black history, for-realz.
Oh yeah, that’s right. The press was too worried on whether or not Barack Obama was bipartisan enough when passing his stimulus package. That was waaay more important to focus on that rather than the fact our economy is sinking into the ocean.
You can see how we all lost sight of black history month. To make it up to…someone, I’m going to regale you with my own pieces of personal black history.
Tigra “Blue” Coleman
I went to middle and high school with this guy. Tigra is the fucking mayor. Everyone knows him and likes him. He’s in a million bands, produced some sort of escort service for Redskins players at one point, and can “school anyone at Halo.” He taught me another word for “fuck” was “pole”. “That bitch would pole all of us,” he once said. Get it? ‘Cause your dick is like a pole rod. One time in middle school he fell asleep in english class while everyone was reading Huckleberry Fin out loud. When someone inevitably said nigger out loud, Tigra shot up and was like “Who the fuck said that?! Who said that?!” The teacher said, “Tigra, it’s in the book.” Tigra was like “oh” and then fell back asleep. I think Tigra has a brother named Damoses or Dajesus. I forget which one. Like I said, Tigra is the fucking mayor. Oh yeah, he calls me “Gold” which I think is cool.
Seaton Smith
Probably one of my favorite local comics in the DC scene. Fuck, I won’t even try to make a joke here. I’ll just let him be funny for this blurb. Oh yeah, and he’s a totally normal and reserved off stage
Michael Jackson
A few summers ago, 3 friends and I went camping on the Appalachian Trail. The ride home is only an hour or so long, so we decided to put in a Michael Jackson Greatest Hits CD (THANKS, Josh, you shmuck) and listen to the whole thing. Sure, Thriller and Beat it are great, but have you heard his turds like Where Is My Childhood and Scared of the Moon? I guess those were made when he was white, so its all good.
Um…I think that’s it. Oh yeah, Fredrick Douglas, MLK, Jesse Owens yadda yadda yadda.
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