Back to Nature

Enough conservative bashing. I’m going after hippies today, the filthy, retarded, lazy, drum circle playing, incoherent, hemp-covered tree-gypsies. I can’t wait until this site goes viral. I want to see the look on their crunchy faces when I knock ‘em down a peg. A peg that’s on their ladder made out of fallen branches. And tied together with hemp. And used to hang PETA slogans on a McDonald’s.

I agree with two of their major decrees: don’t be a dick, and “hey hey hey smoke weed every day”. Other than that, I have about as much in common with them ideologically as I do with Mugabe.

One of the biggest pieces of shit made from digested Burt’s Bees products they try to slip by us is The Nature argument. That’s when things are automatically better because they’re from nature. Sorry, “Silver Moon” (real name Thomas Silverstein). Mother Nature is a cross between the mom from Carrie, East German monster doms, and the worst camping trip you’ve ever been on. Nature is brutal. Everything can kill you; weather, lack of food, lack of survival skills, parasitic insects, poisonous plants, brain fungi. Common, a goddamn coconut falling from a tree can kill you.

I’m not saying we should burn every piece of unspoiled land to the ground and turn the world into one big strip mall. I just want to point out what hypocrites hippies are when it comes to living in nature. First, let’s compare the peoples of the world who actually do live in sync with nature; native Indian tribes in the Amazon, pygmy hut villages in Africa, and hillbilly families in the Ozarks. They are all dirt poor hunter/gatherers, superstitious, and raging drunks. (No lie. They all know how to make a bit of the shine. Alcohol is a great way to cope with omnipresent death).

Hippies don’t drink. Hippies go camping in state parks at designated camp sites. Hippies buy their food at farmers markets with money their parents give them as an allowance. Hippies are the sons and daughters of rich white people who were afforded the luxury of rebellion. Hippies love Phish but don’t eat meat, which is great when they tell us which cows we should and should not eat. “Don’t eat cows that have been fed antibiotics!” What? Oh shit that’s right. Antibiotics aren’t natural, but fucking cows dying of bacterial infections are. Nuke the shit out of the meat and your burrito is good to go.

“Don’t eat Frankenfood!” Frankenfood, by the way, is their cute little saying for genetically engineered food. Sorry, I like it when my food is bigger, uses less sunlight to grow and is pest-resistant. Hippies said bye-bye to real academics (re: science) since they discovered pot in 7th grade, so anything involving The Corporations is bad and that includes the evil science super lab Monsanto. So boo genetic engineering! Hell, why not go after dog breeding while they’re at it? Dog breeding is a form of genetic engineering. It’s just way more fun to watch in action.

Of course there can be scores written about how evil and reckless progress, technology, and the industrial revolution are. Duh. But this isn’t about them. Right now, it’s about the annoying tambourine space-clowns known as the hippies and their misguided attempts to save something worthwhile. They’re all heart and no brain. [Wizard of Oz joke]. Fuck them.