Rejected Blog Ideas

First off, I hate made-up words like “blog”. Saying or typing it makes me feel like some middle aged jackass who wears a shirt that says “blogosphere” and regurgitates every single CNN talking point from gay marriage to gay baby adoption (the adoption of gay babies). I fucking hate it and just needed to get that off my chest. Shoot me if I ever get Twitter.

Second, this blog (ugh) is written the exact same way my band The Mildreds used to write songs. We would come up with a title first and then write a song to accompany it. Sure, we would get backed into a creative corner every 5 out of 7 times, but the ones we kept were really different, fun and had a certain, “je ne sais quoi”; a real “what the fuck?” feel to them.

Below are some ideas that could have come to fruition if they were either better ideas or I was a better writer. In all likelihood, both.

Pope Judd Nelson I – An archbishop recounts living and serving under a man who has the ego of the Pope combined with the ego of the badass heartthrob from The Breakfast Club. Stupid, referency 80’s shit “hilarity” ensues. He declares condoms and Airheads to be sins against God.

Have I Got Some Shit to Sell You! – Monologue of a rude salesman attempting to sell useless products of poor quality. Use Billy Mayes as inspiration. Products may include disposable glasses, “Miracle Cream” (petroleum jelly and lard) and books on how to unlock The 8 Trigrams of Successful Stock Market Predicting. All the products are made in Taiwan.

Masturbating in Public Isn’t Cool – PSA style commercials aimed at the 12-18 demographic, trying to detour kids from ruining their lives (and someone’s day). Consider a talking animal mascot in sunglasses who skateboards. “Radical” is said no less than 5 times.

Pre Rapture Ministries Glances into the Sewers of False Christianity – Must include the sentence, “Let’s have a look at what that old devil is up to in his false church(s) [sic].” Consider ripping lines verbatim from West Borough. Design entry to look like Web 1.0 as much as possible. Invent books of the bible and quote them (The book of Danny; Kevin’s big book of Fun; Saxby: War Journal).

The Forgotten Muppets – List of bios and short stories of Muppets that fell by the wayside for their various personal shortcomings (whores, pills, horse racing, etc.). They should be made out of inferior material, like a raincoat and Styrofoam cups. One is removed for assaulting a child on The Muppet Show. One is removed for inappropriately touching Miss Piggy on Muppet Babies.

Trip Report: Full English Breakfast – The meal consists of lard, eggs, sausages, mushrooms, bacon, liver of lamb, black pudding, baked beans, tinned tomatoes, bread, and Stella Artois. All are fried in lard except the Stella. Halfway through I feel sick and trippy; ends with me having violent diarrhea and permanent hypertension. At some point I pass out and see the face of God.