Stem Cells and the Quest to Clone Hitler

The president used his political swagger this week to overturn a ban on stem cell funding, which naturally pissed off the conservative crowd. I’m glad he did. For starters, it really pisses off the conservative crowd; it’s the debate about abortion raised to the power of irony [stem cells = abortion^irony]. And the arguments! I read something like this on CNN’s message board:

“All stem cells will accomplish is killing a Jesus so we can clone another Hitler.” – NObama, Gainesville FL

I think the odds are stacked heavily against getting a Jesus Christ and favor winding up with another L. Ron Hubbard. Also, why is cloning Hitler such a bad idea? I think it’d be great! Let me explain.

For you to understand this position, you first need to know the history of stem cells.

They were discovered quite accidently by Nazis. Dr. Olaf Bouhler was performing routine experiments on Jewish prisoners in 1941. In them he was extracting the fetuses (feti?) from pregnant women 4 months prematurely to see how much dynamite a woman’s body cavity could hold. The pregnancy detritus, aka, the fetus, was simply discarded.

After a long, hard day of being a colossal asshole, Dr. Bouhler was about to leave the lab when he realized his pocket watch, a keepsake from his father, was missing. Could he have accidently dropped it? In “the bin”? The bin was more or less a dumpster for the fetuses (feti?). He looked in, but he didn’t find his watch. Instead he made the discovery of a lifetime: a human ear. It was a fully formed, adult, (left) human ear covered in fetus mucus. Later tests would prove that the mucus was a mixture of viscous fluids…and stem cells.

Immediately, the potential for stem cells was recognized. Word of the discovery made it all the way up to The Fuhrer. He commissioned one the greatest history’s mysteries of WWII. A process to ensure Hitler would be able to personally rule the Third Reich for the next 1000 years. It was known as Operation: Hitler Beyond.

After months of preparation, the experiment was ready. Into a giant crucible went 1000 Jew fetuses (feti?). The concoction bubbled and pooled, separating out the useless cells and leaving nothing more than 9 gallons of pure, steamy stem cell goodness. Mmmm mmmm. It was finally poured into a mold of Hitler. Soon, his new body would be ready. Soon he would have the body of Adonis, of Atlas, of God Almighty himself. The cells stirred. They took form. For days they reacted until finally, it was completed. Hitler raced to the lab where he discovered his brand new, 7 foot tall…human ear.

The 400 million dollar project was immediately terminated and then Hitler pulled a Kurt Cobain (or Cobain pulled a Hitler. Whichever).

Which brings us to the present day. Now we can actually clone Hitler! Why is this a good thing?

‘Cause he’s a dick!

Let’s clone Hitler…and beat the shit out of him. Every day. His life would be one great, big Spanking Machine. When he wakes up in his cramped, pest infested studio apartment in the Bronx, his alarm clock is a punch in the face. He shall never touch food that isn’t covered in spit. Thousands of school children will empty their classrooms and form a sea of kicks to the shin every time he steps out into the day.

It’s not like he’ll be just as powerful as he was in the 40’s. You really think another Nazi wave will sweep through? Have you seen Nazis these days? Go rent American History X. They’re all a bunch of inarticulate troglodytes who can’t even find Israel on a map. Plus, why would they follow Hitler after we tattoo the word “PENIS” across his forehead?

I think it’s a great idea. The best benefit though would be world peace. Can you imagine how well world leaders would get along if they took a break from negotiating to smack Hitler around with a hickory paddle?

“Well, Mr. Medvedev.” *whack* “We may not see eye-to-eye on,” *whack* “who lays claim to the oil deposits in the Arctic,” *whack* “but I must say,” *whack* *whack* *whack* “at least you’re no Hitler.” *whack*

“Jes. I am havink agreement with you.” *whack*

What a glorious world. Let’s bring on the stem cells and clone our asses a Hitler.