To Serve and Protect While Impractical

I don’t know what’s to blame these days for the slew of lazy cops the states’ been churning out. Maybe lazy is the wrong word to use. Is there a single word that encompasses the mentality of wanting to pilot recreational vehicles and have a fun-in-the-sun good ol’ time instead of your job which is to protect society against thieves, murderers and rapists so guess what you disguise as fucking police work? “Effete”?

The following are all different types of police officers, sworn to serve and protect, who have chosen a means of transportation that causes more problems than they solve. Their main problem is namely, how to do you detain a perp IF you even manage to catch him (it’s never a her). No one has even bothered to point out that hey, you’re not solving crime; you’re just being a self-indulgent jackass wasting time and energy on my dime. These are all real I swear to God.

Motorcycle Cops
To be fair, if I was a cop I would dream of being one of these until, in a ceremony held at the community center in front of the mayor, city council and the town elders, Commissioner Gordon hands me a motorcycle and says “go get ‘em, son!” But the job is limited. The only job a Hog-Pig can do is tag speeders. That’s it. But riddle me this: what happens when drivers stop being polite and start acting real? It’s not like you can pull a PIT maneuver on a Cadillac Escalade with a vehicle that weighs about as much as a really really fat person. Being a motorcycle cop would be awesome as shit if you could work like you’re life is the game Road Rash. But noooooo. This “society” we “agreed” to live in has a “social contract” and we “can’t” be “dicks” like that.

Mounted Division
Horses are cool dudes. They can give off and sense powerful vibes. Like, I used to get blitzed and wander around Colonial Williamsburg at night when I went to college. They kept the horses out in fenced-off enclosures so without the hustle and bustle of a million 9-year old tourists; it was just me and the horses. They’d be all “aw Jesus man. This guy is so high he could shit off the moon right now. Better go let him pet me. If I was his mom I’d make him a sandwich. Poor guy.” And that’s cool. I truly believe if criminals could pet a horse before their crimes, they’d never get around to committing those crimes; their hearts would be too full of warm horsey fuzzies. Unfortunately with the mounted division, you run into the same problems as the motorcycle cop except now you need to deal with your motorcycle pooping when it walks. Don’t those things need to wear diapers? And what if a perp runs into a building? It’s not like there are keys to take out of your horse when you park it. Good luck not having that shit stolen.

Bike Cops
Who among us hasn’t seen these short-shorts wearing recreationalists and thought out loud “PPPPFFFFFFFFFFFF!” Someone needs to tell them that the Jim Dangle character on Reno 911 is a character of a gay bike cop and should not be interpreted as a blueprint for effective law enforcement.

Segway Cops
And you thought bike cops were bad. These guys have to be live performance artists or Andy Kaufman whatever. They cannot be real. It’s as if someone took a bike cop, rolled it around in powdered sugar and then neutered it. Ok, see, cops are supposed to be intimidating signs of authority. It is literally impossible to look tough on an 8mph moving podium especially when Segway cops are required to wear helmets! They are police officers, not 5 year olds. Seriously, what a fucking waste. What a fucking joke.



Powered Parachute Cops

What do you get when you cross a giant fan, a go-kart, a parachute and redneck ingenuity? Why, just the best darn tool for cheap, lazy law enforcement that’s what! Cops are starting to use what is essentially a toy tourists pay $50 in Cancun after their 6th mojito, in lieu of helicopters. Yeah, it’s their job to patrol the skies and take out rogue pterodactyls or whatever, but their main job is to keep an eye on fleeing criminals, and then radio ground forces with important information. Right well, I know for a fact that I have nothing in my arsenal that can take out a helicopter, but I’m pretty sure an easily accessible hunting rifle is all I need to end Mr. I-Have-Absolutely-Zero-Protection-From-Man-Nature-Or-God-Tattle-Tale-In-The-Sky.

P.S. Don't shoot cops or commit crimes. Be good.