The ABC’s of Stand Up, Part 3

Road Gigs
What would you say if I told you driving half way across the country to Bum-Fuck Nowhere, Illinois to MC a sports bar comedy show for a bunch of judgmental rednecks all for $25 is what I’m shooting for? I already know what you’re going to say and you can “kiss my grits”. You might fancy yourself a worldly traveler for backpacking through Europe or Spring Breaking the hell out of Cancun but try becoming the culture of your foreign destination, just for one night. I’m just glad to get the fiz-uuuuuuuck out of the ‘burbs.

Silence
One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received (and continue to routinely neglect) is “enjoy the silence on stage”. The problem a lot of new comics have is that when they go up, they are so nervous that they rapid barf their rehearsed set into the mic and then immediately retreat off stage. Dude, slow down. Relax. Find some awkward pauses and sit on them. They might even turn out funny.

“Tell me a joke!”
I hate telling people, especially co-workers, that I do stand up. The first thing they want is for you to tell them a joke. “Tell me a joke!” Actually it doesn’t work like that. See, stand up is- “No common I bet you’re really funny tell me a joke!” Dude, I’m just sitting here trying to eat my breakfast burrito- “Well you told Jessica a joke!” No I didn’t. “Yes you did! You went over to her, told her a joke and then you guys laughed!” Well it wasn’t a joke from my routine. We were actually making fun of y-…Bush.

Sean Gabbert has a really funny bit about this. “Tell me a joke!” Alright. A man walks into a bar…I make $25,000 a year. Knock knock? I don’t have health insurance. Wakka Wakka (It’s better when he performs it. See? That is exactly why this shit doesn’t work)

Unintentionally Funny
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with that. Fall on the floor and find $20 why don’t you? Go with it.

Videos
Back in ancient times (re: 1989), if you wanted to get in a new room they’d ask you to make a tape and send it in. Like, tape tape. VHS. Electronic images and sounds recorded on strips of magnetic tape and housed in a cassette. Jesus, grandpa. Talk about freaking cave people. Then somewhere in the 2000’s that switched over to DVD’s for like, a month before bookers were just like “email me your best 8 minutes doood I’m streaming Heroes.” I can’t wait to see what the 2010’s will be like when a booker is all “hey, just brain zip me your best 30 seconds of Moon Jokes. I’ve got another showcase lined up for the Galaxy Rocket Cruise and I can only get 50 comics on board.” Haha just kidding. We’ll all be dead by then.

Web Stuff
I don’t feel like making the same joke about technology, the future, comedy, and all our imminent deaths (it’s totally going to be Terminator style) so all I’ll say is that promoting yourself and creating your own little fan base has never been easier. Shit, I might as well go back into Time magazine archives and pull out something from 2001 about the technological revolution or something. Web. Make. Comedy. More. Best.

eXperience
God, I remember the first time I tried stand up. December 19, 2005 at this little Monday night open mic in this little DuPont Circle coffee shop called SoHo. It was cold, miserable and hosted by Erin Jackson. People are going up before me….and just absolutely bombing. I think the guy right before me ended with his rendition of the Aristocrats that involved an aborted fetus. I was covered in paper cuts after his edgy set. Anyway, I go up, I’m nervous and I’m doing, OK. Not great, but not terrible either. I’m getting a few laughs here and there. Half way through my set, I pass out and fall off the stage. I was in the middle of a bit. I was like, “You know, dating is really…oh shit” and I keel over sideways, smack my head on the table, and I’m out. The thing is, NO ONE did anything for about a good 10 seconds. They were looking around to see who was in on the apparent joke. When they realized “oh shit, this kid really fainted” they helped me up. I remember waking up and thinking, “Oh wow. How did I get back to my bed? What’s this thing tangled around me (it was the mic cable). Oh shit I’m still there…” Some guys were like “all right, give him a hand every body.” I was mortified. I have never been that embarrassed in my life. I went over to where I was sitting to brood a little bit and try to play it off as if nothing happened. The guy who went on after me passed me and jokingly said “how am I supposed to follow that?” Then the ambulance came. I had to go outside and deny medical treatment from the paramedics. I told them what happened and they thought it was hilarious. One of the guys took a print out of my EKG and said “Now who says white boys don’t have rhythm?” Apparently this story has made it all the way up to New York. Yes. I’m that guy. I’m still meeting people who are shocked to discover that was me.

I don’t faint on stage anymore and I can only chalk that up to experience.

Yuck Yucks
A lot of (B-room) comedy clubs have goofy names like Yuck Yucks, Wiseacres, Magooby’s, Sir Laughs-a-lot, etc. The higher up you go in the comedy club echelon, the stores that are actually franchise chains, the more respectable sounding the names are, like Improv, Funny Bone, Comedy Factory. This is all totally worthless knowledge because stage time is stage time, and you’ll be surprised at just how good (and bad) some crowds can be, regardless of what club you’re at.

Zilch

When you first start out, this is how much you get paid, this is how much you are respected, and this is how many funny jokes you have. You are the living embodiment of that concept Tyler Durden talks about in Fight Club about once you lose everything you are free to do anything. Chuck Palahniuk is deep.