The rules are simple. I pair up two legendary fighters in an arena of my choosing. Each fight adheres to rules 3, 4, 5, 7, and 8 of Fight Club. I will use logic to decide who wins based on logic which I will logically ‘splain. Let’s get it on!
Fight 1: Batman vs. Spiderman
Arena: New York City
Winner: Batman
At a first glance, you’d probably think of picking Spidey for the win. He outclasses Bats in speed, strength and stamina, plus he’s got that spidey sense thing, AND he can climb walls AND he’s a smart guy. But it’s that last part that does Peter Parker in. See, he’s book smart. Batman is not only 10x as book smart, he’s got street smarts, and the street he lives on is “How to Completely Fuck Up a Meta-Human’s Shit Ave.” Dude can take out MF Superman if need be. All it takes is one well-placed, tricky batarang to the face and Spiderman’s down for the count, and Batman’s got the dexterity to pull it off.
Arena: New York City
Winner: Batman
At a first glance, you’d probably think of picking Spidey for the win. He outclasses Bats in speed, strength and stamina, plus he’s got that spidey sense thing, AND he can climb walls AND he’s a smart guy. But it’s that last part that does Peter Parker in. See, he’s book smart. Batman is not only 10x as book smart, he’s got street smarts, and the street he lives on is “How to Completely Fuck Up a Meta-Human’s Shit Ave.” Dude can take out MF Superman if need be. All it takes is one well-placed, tricky batarang to the face and Spiderman’s down for the count, and Batman’s got the dexterity to pull it off.
Fight 2: Joe vs. The Volcano
Arena: The Volcano
Winner: Joe (by default)
Tom Hanks, you asshole. Why can’t you ever play a bad guy in any of your movies? *sigh/grunt*. I’ll spare you the details of this horrible 1990’s wank-fest of a movie, but all you need to know is that Tom Hanks voluntarily jumps into a volcano with Meg Ryan. The volcano erupts, blowing them into the ocean unscathed (impossible). The volcano then sinks into the ocean (more impossible). I assume that since Abe Vigoda was also on the volcano, he dies as well (super impossible: Abe Vigoda cannot be killed without the use of sorcery). Logically the Volcano should have won. No, effin’, shit. But you cannot argue with the results of the movie, written by some Hollywood suit between hours 4 and 6 of a coke bender.
Arena: The Volcano
Winner: Joe (by default)
Tom Hanks, you asshole. Why can’t you ever play a bad guy in any of your movies? *sigh/grunt*. I’ll spare you the details of this horrible 1990’s wank-fest of a movie, but all you need to know is that Tom Hanks voluntarily jumps into a volcano with Meg Ryan. The volcano erupts, blowing them into the ocean unscathed (impossible). The volcano then sinks into the ocean (more impossible). I assume that since Abe Vigoda was also on the volcano, he dies as well (super impossible: Abe Vigoda cannot be killed without the use of sorcery). Logically the Volcano should have won. No, effin’, shit. But you cannot argue with the results of the movie, written by some Hollywood suit between hours 4 and 6 of a coke bender.
Fight 3: Coke vs. Pepsi
Arena: My stomach
Winner: Pepsi
Hey, I don’t care if Coca-Cola is one of the 3 trigrams in the pillar of evil American capitalism (the other two being McDonalds and Wal-Mart). Pepsi, tastes, better. Done. Both of their advertising departments suck. Pepsi and Coke can take Justin Timberlake and Santa and shove it up their respective asses. Coke should just work on making a product that doesn’t taste like Atlanta hick spittle.
Main Event: Washington Capitals vs. Pittsburgh Penguins
Arena: Verizon Center
Winner: Stay tuned tonight because this is going to be epic. C-A-P-S CAPS CAPS CAPS! I hope Ovechkin caves Sidney Crosby’s face in.
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