Bitch Squad

Have you seen my dog Oskar yet? He’s a 1 year old Great Dane and he’s amazing. Sure, the sight of a 140lb dog contorting himself into a sleeping position where his head rests on top of his turgid nutsack is gross as hell (albeit impressive), he’s still a sweetums.

Because of his size and cuddly disposition, my 10 year old neighbor said “He’s like a cross between a bunny and a horse! A Bun-orse. A borse!” As she tried to combine the two words I was like, “No, he’s a horny.” Smooth.

There’s this crazy lady who lives in my neighborhood. Like straight up Loony Toons, cuckoo la banza nuts. She love’s my dog. I mean, loves, my dog. I’m really hesitant to say “oh well this lonely pile of sad just needs to get laid” because seriously, I am concerned that she would try to fuck my dog. No I am not being cynical. No I am not exaggerating.

A typical “conversation” with this very, very creepy lady is full of inappropriate words and touching. I put conversation in quotation marks because in a, let’s say 5 minute, interaction with her she will say maybe 1 thing directly to me.

I’ll be walking my dog down the street, plastic bag on my hand, waiting to pick up a duce, and all of a sudden I’ll hear a loud, piercing “Hiiiiiiii boyfriend!!!” I don’t think this woman has a ring on.

It’s her, the one that constantly refers to herself as “Oskar’s girlfriend”. Iiiick. Then she’ll bend down, pucker her lips so my dog will lick them, rub all over him and I’m pretty sure I once saw her cop a feel of his junk. Dude. It’s a dog. Not even your dog. It’s my fucking dog, and I’m standing like right in front of you.

Talking to this woman is impossible. Even if you ask direct questions she’ll do that stupid baby-voiced vicarious puppet thing through the dog. I’ll be like “so nice day huh?” and she’ll be all (again, in a baby voice) “Oskar thinks is going to wain day. The clouds ahw dawk and stoh-mi. Yes dey ahw. Yes dey ahw! Who’s my boyfriend? Who’s my boyfriend?! *tries to make out with my dog in front of me*”

Ew, sick. I seriously gagged typing that up. For real.

I gotta start one of those neighborhood watch things but instead of outing pedophiles we go after nutty spinsters that would molest a dog. I’m thinking it’ll be called Bitch Squad and the tools of the trade would be stun guns, net guns, and the Holy Bible. We would travel around in a van with giant “No Means No – BITCH SQUAD” written on the side in red Veranda letters. The crew would be me, the self-righteous leader of the operation with a personal score to settle and a devil-may-care attitude. Then there’s Jones, an ex-dog catcher who’s trying to go straight in this dog-eat-dog world. And finally that Dog Whisperer guy Caesar Millan so he can consult the dogs and see if they were inappropriately touched, all Pet Psychic-ish. BITCH SQUAD will be appearing on CBS’s Fall 2009 lineup after new episodes of CSI: Milwaukee

(Note: for the sake of my dog's privacy, the dog pictured above is not Oskar)