Title: [Untitled]

Title: [Untitled]

Characters:
Greg – A nerdy, mid-20’s accountant. Very lame and mild mannered personality. Uses office jargon a lot.
Alter Boy – A latently gay and polite, religious zealot who is clueless
Captain Yo-Yo – If a Skip It commercial came to life and was a wigger. Actually terrible at the yo-yo.
Dungeon Master – Your typical heavy set, snarky, and irreverent nerd

Setting: A library conference room. There is a large table with a macbook resting on it, a few chairs, and a white board with a few scribbles on it. Three men are sitting at the table while one stands. There are some wayward pieces of paper on the table.

[open]

GREG
Alright, this is good. This is great. Look’s like everyone is here so…I guess I’ll begin. [Ahem]. My name is Greg Higgins. I’m a former accounting underling of Black Mantis, who, as you all know, was arrested along with Beaver Man, The Prankster, Dr. Velocity, uh…Hot Cop; basically, the entire League of Bay Area Super Villains. That day was a real barn-burner. They were arrested…for forever…by that insufferable, Dewlapped Destroyer, Moose Man. [chuckling] I uh…don’t think I need to tell you guys, our feelings, about uh…that guy [smiling].

OTHER THREE MEN
[silence]

GREG
So, that is why I, the last part of LOBASV, combed all the Bay Area high schools and assembled you guys…the best, up-and-coming super villains, this town has to offer! The young blood! Seriously, give yourselves a round of applause!

Greg applauds enthusiastically alone.

GREG
‘Cause seriously, it’s all about you guys. We are going to recontextualize the villainy in this town and together, get that dirty so-n-so Moose Man. So, what I would like to do right now is continue onto our next action item which is part 2 of the itinerary-

CPT. YO-YO
Yo, I didn’t get no eye-tinrary.

GREG
…well, why don’t you share with him and… it’ll work out. It's fine. You don’t really need an itinerary for this part right now ‘cause what we’re gonna do is introduce ourselves, sorta, familiarize ourselves with each other, become real homies, right bro-hams? [awkward pause] And then we’ll come up with a plan for killing Moose Man. So, why don’t we start with…you, in the blouse. Stand up, tell us your name aaaaand what you’re about! Go.

Alter Boy stands.

ALTER BOY
Well first off, this is not a blouse; it’s a surplice-

CPT. YO-YO
[to Dungeon Master] It’s a very pretty blouse…

ALTER BOY
Hey, shut up. It’s not a blouse! It’s a surplice and, the ladies, love it. They just…swarm all over me all the time-

CPT. YO-YO
They flock to your smock.

ALTER BOY
They flock to my smock. But I would never fornicate with harlots because-

DUNGEON MASTER
You’re gay.

Dungeon Master and Cpt. Yo-Yo chuckle.

ALTER BOY
No. Because it’s villainous to leave girls in wanting.

Dungeon Master and Cpt. Yo-Yo make faces at the weird phrasing.

GREG
Listen, Alter Boy. I know, we’re all amped. Everyone here wants to kill Moose Man really really bad, but plans for villainy aren’t until item 6; check your itinerary. So why don’t you take a few power breaths, collect your thoughts, and continue.

ALTER BOY
[annoyed] Fine. I am Alter Boy; the Catholic Shape Shifter-

Dungeon Master and Cpt. Yo-Yo burst out laughing.

ALTER BOY
-THE CATHOLIC SHAPE SHIFTER, AND THROUGH MENTAL PRAYER, LORD, MAKE ME AN INSTURMENT OF THY PEACE, IN JESUS NAME KILL MOOSE MAN AMEN.

Alter Boy sits down quickly.

GREG
Thank you, Alter Boy. That had a lot of goodness. Let’s see. Captain Yo-Yo! You’ve been hot-desking with Dungeon Master a lot today. Why don’t you stand up and tell us about yourself?

CPT. YO-YO
Hey, Greg. Why don't you fuck off?

GREG
‘Scuse me?

CPT. YO-YO
My name ain’t Captain Yo-Yo. It’s Captain Yo-Yo, the Jr. Spin Champion of Oklahoma City. You gotta say the whole thing, otherwise you sound as gay as Mr. down-on-your-knees over here.

DUNGEON MASTER
Hey-O.

ALTER BOY
I’m not going to sit here and pretend to understand what that’s supposed to mean, Mr., Mr., whoever-that-long-named-singer-man-lady-person-from-the-90’s-was. Mr. Long Name. Uh…purple rain!

DUNGEON MASTER
What?

CPT. YO-YO
Prince? Are you trying to talk about Prince?

DUNGEON MASTER
Jesus Christ you suck.

ALTER BOY
Hey, hold thy tongue, Dungeon Master! Why don’t you go back to your mom’s basement which is where your dungeon lair is. Probably.

DUNGEON MASTER
Yeah, that’s right. My mom’s basement is my dungeon. And her bedroom is my sex dungeon; where I butt-fucked Jesus.

CPT. YO-YO
OH SNAP! That’s what up!

ALTER BOY
Wh-wh-…

DUNGEON MASTER
Pwned.

CPT. YO-YO
Villainous!

ALTER BOY
Greg!

GREG
I’m sorry, Alter Boy, but I’m going to have to go ahead and agree with Cpt. Yo-Yo that what Dungeon Master said was quite villainous.

CPT. YO-YO
Mmhmm, yeah. That’s what he said! How's my dick taste, son?!

ALTER BOY
Hey, Why are they even here?! I can shape shift, for gosh’s sake! They don’t even have any powers!

CPT. YO-YO
Hey hey hey hey woah woah…wait a sec. Don’t you go comparing Captain Yo-Yo, Jr. Spin Champion of Oklahoma City with dime store Kevin Smith over there. I got powers. Check it!

Cpt. Yo-Yo starts to stand up, first by taking his feet off the table

DUNGEON MASTER
[to Alter Boy] Where do you get off saying I don’t have any powers, you little butt nut?

CPT. YO-YO
Boom!

Cpt. Yo-Yo spreads his arms, brandishes his bandolier of yo-yos, and opens his hands. Several yo-yos (4) unfurl and land on the table.

CPT. YO-YO
Yo, what’s good now, son?! Ever been smacked upside the dome with one of these?! I don’t think so! This shit hurt more than suckin' on Johnny Law's night stick, feel me ya pussay ass bi-otch?

DUNGEON MASTER
Why the fuck are you even here? Why would some newb like you ever try to be a super villain?

CPT. YO-YO
Yo I got yo-yo weapons, yo-yo traps…

ALTER BOY
They say we alter boys live dangerous lives…

Dungeon Master and Cpt. Yo-Yo speak at the same time

CPT. YO-YO
Whaaaaaaaa….

DUNGEON MASTER
Man, that is such total bullshit. I bet my BangBus subscription that you've never even seen that movie.

GREG
This is good, people. This is a really good robust dialogue going on. I can feel the synergy. I’m gonna give this part just a few more minutes but then we are really gonna wanna move on to item 3 in our itinerary -which I believe is…Our Scarred, Emotional Pasts- if we want to make it out of the library before it closes.

CPT. YO-YO
Yo, fuck the eye-tinrary! Let’s just jump that motherfucking moose and ice his ass. I. Don’t. Give. A. FUCK! I’ve kilt bikers, I’ve kilt jump ropers, I totally fuckin’ dropped this one bitch on a Skip-It…

DUNGEON MASTER
I’ve got my stepdad’s car outside. I guess we could run him over or something. I don’t care if that car gets dented; I hate Steve.

ALTER BOY
I could shape shift into a baby lamb as a distraction. That could work!

OTHER THREE MEN
[silence]

GREG
Jeeze, this is like herding cats. OK, guys. I'm gonna be above-board for a sec. I think our main problem here is agreeance. We need to be proactive. Let's start a dialogue and air it out. No more of this imagineering on how to kill Moose Man when I’ve got a 57-point slide show on exactly how to do it. The first step: understanding ourselves. And each other.

CPT. YO-YO
[disillusioned] Yo, alright, that’s it. Captain Yo-Yo, Jr. Spin Champion of Oklahoma City ‘bout to peace the fuck on out of here. So, so long, douche, Mr. Kevin Smith, Pride Parade over here; I’m ‘bout to ride out on my yo-yo-nicycle. Maybe rob a bank, pick up some bomb-ass hoola hoop pussy, you know, whatevers down by the boardwalk. So uh…don’t none of you hacks follow me, or try to evil around with me ever again. Aiight. Peace!

Cpt. Yo-Yo flips a hardcore peace sign and swaggers out of the room.

DUNGEON MASTER
Yo-yo-nicycle?

GREG
I’m not quite sure what that is either.

DUNGEON MASTER
A yo-yo unicycle?

GREG
[chuckles] What a spark plug.

DUNGEON MASTER
How would he even sit? How is that physically possible?

ALTER BOY
I bet it’s like this loooong [demonstrating with arms] piece of string that sticks straight up in the air that you sit on and it hurts. Ew. That would be awful.

DUNGEON MASTER
Oh, who are you fooling? We know you think that sounds delicious.

ALTER BOY
[praying] Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccáta mundi, dona nobis tyrannosaurus rex.

DUNGEON MASTER
What are you doing?

ALTER BOY
[still praying] Shape shifting into a dinosaur so I can bite your face off.

DUNGEON MASTER
Now, are you shape shifting into a pre- or post- great flood T-rex? Because Noah totally had them on his boat, and, I just want to know-

ALTER BOY
Shut up.

DUNGEON MASTER
-if I should be worried or not. ‘Cause, pre-great flood T-rex had no immunities to human diseases-

ALTER BOY
Shut up!

DUNGEON MASTER
-so I could just kill them with a sneeze or something like that.

ALTER BOY
Fuck you!

GREG
Yeah…and I think on that note, at least for right now, we’re done. Good meeting, gang. Seriously. Very proactive.