Dustin Diamond Dead, 32

(Santa Barbara, CA) At 7:17 eastern standard time, Dustin Diamond was declared dead at St. Francis Medical Center .

Diamond, the 32 year old stand-up "comedian", former costar of Saved By the Bell, and all around terrible human being, allegedly died in a skirmish involving a transsexual prostitute.

“At this point, we are not revealing any details regarding an on-going investigation, but based on immediate findings of the body, we can deduce that Screech may have been with a tranny-hooker,” says Police Chief John Fitzsimmons.

Universally hated former TV nerd Screech was found in a dumpster behind a Quiznos sandwich shop. “The alley is locally known for being a gathering spot for very mannish black men in drag,” added Fitzsimmons. “I’m like 99% sure he said something to piss one off, probably the fact he played Screech.”

When asked whether Diamond used his credentials as Screech to secure free or discounted sex, Fitzsimmons said the idea was “probable.”

This morning, Quiznos issued a press release.

“Since our inception in 1981, Quiznos has always been a vocal opponent of transsexual prostitutes, murder, and shitty actors. We feel that the circumstances around this event are very unfortunate but are no way related to our commitment to providing you delicious, toasted sandwiches at affordable prices.”

Already the celebrity world is reeling from the joy Screech’s death brings.

Saved By the Bell co-star Tiffani Thiessen responded with the news by saying, “I’m surprised the little turd didn’t die sooner.

“He was always such a colossal fuck-up. See, when we were on the set, everyone else, me, Mark, Dennis, Lark…we were all acting. Dustin doesn’t know how to act. He thought he was in a real high school. We had to ad-lib lines and plot devices to compensate but it made for a very watchable show.” She added, “Fuck him. He's got 'bergers, or is like autistic or someting.”

Mario Lopez and Mark-Paul Gosselaar also spoke candidly about Diamond’s death.

“Summer is the season of death for celebrities. I don’t know what it is but the heat just kills the most random ones,” said Lopez.

“Yeah, but there’s no way you can say Dustin was a celebrity,” corrected Gosselaar.

“That’s true. Yes, that’s very true. He was no Billy Mays.”

“God said he needed a salesman, so he took Billy. God said he needed a singer, so he took Michael Jackson. And then the devil said he needed an asshole, so he took Screech.”

“That’s the perfect name for a demon who tortures the souls of the damned by telling awful Saved By the Bell jokes and then wiping off the shit on his dick on their face.”

“Yeah…”

“Yeah I’m gonna go pray and I suggest you come with me.”

Lopez was referring to the Dustin Diamond self-made sex-tape Screeched aka, Saved By the Smell leaked on the internet in 2006 where Diamond portrays himself giving his fiancé and her best friend a Dirty Sanchez. Whether or not the two women were willing participants remains an item of controversy.

Services for the 32 year old “comedian” have not been planned. (The editor in chief of MarkReissBlog believes it is wise to put the word comedian in quotation marks because nothing of Dustin Diamond’s standup career can be considered funny; nor does it adhere to the legal definition of entertainment.)


Update: Sources indicate that the immediate family of Dustin Diamond has already released ideas for his tombstone. The working model will be a giant 6-foot tall bust of Diamond's head with the epitaph etched into the forehead: "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee; and ye shall be saved by it."