Everyone is at Least a Little Bit Gay

We live in a world populated by 6,706,993,152 people, and every single one of them is at least a little bit gay.

Ignoring those who are actual gays, lesbians, and dudes in Indonesia who were born male but raised female, everyone has some sort of affectation that makes them lighter in the shoes. I’d include a link here but I don’t need a search of “Indonesian Transsexuals” showing up at my work’s IT department.

All women, half the Earth’s population, are done. Boom. Simply by virtue of the fact they are women, they are slightly gay. Not like, “they act like gay men” (or vice versa) gay. I mean that it is permissible for two women folk to get all close and shit. Rubbin’ on each other. Smellin’ they hair ‘n’ shit. Two quick anecdotes:

One time in college, (I should end my story right there), two female friends came up to me drunk and asked if I would pay them 20 dollars to make out with each other. Please. It’s not like they were strapped for cash; they were strapped for reasons to make out and not look gay. I say go for it. Revel in it. In front of their boyfriends no less. The second anecdote is like the first except they didn’t try to extort money out of me or even tell me they were going to do it. They just did. And it was cool. I guess.

Now for the guys. Europe is also done. I could go on and on about the culture, prep school for boys, the French, etc. But the fact of the matter is that everyone from the fey-est queef waif of a slave in a Parisian S&M club to the roughest rough-neck ex-Soviet meat head homophobe, everyone in the motherland listens to the faggiest, faggy techno music ever. And they dance to it. Willingly, like, with each other.

(I’d like to pause for a moment and state that I’m not writing this because the Bruno movie is coming out in a week. That is purely coincidental).

The Middle East is surprisingly gay. Arab culture stresses that women dress like little non-sexual sand ninjas while the men greet each other with cheek kisses. Hand holding is encouraged. So is plucking your eyebrows. And although I’ve never actually been there, I hear billboards advertise with these big muscled, speedo-clad oily Europeans selling shit like baby oil or something. That whole region of the world looks as if those Queer Eye guys, if that fucking show is even still around, took a NYC taxi fleet garage and made it look like west Hollywood.

The North American male is a little bit harder to discern, but the results are always the same. If you were ever in a frat, you’re a bit gay. All that brotherhood, professional drinking “bro love” hugging stuff just breeds homosexual undertones. Even the most male bonding experience, eg.; gang-banging some passed out freshmen chick, is pretty gay. I mean, it’s a bunch of naked dudes in a room. The male to female ratio is way out of line. Plus, they’re all able to keep it up after looking at Fat Chad’s micro-penis.

If you own a gun you don’t necessarily have a small penis. Yes, a gun is a cock-substitute, but not necessarily for your own. Ever get the urge to just hold one?

Here’s how I’m gay: I actively visit the site Cute Overload. Every day, I gotsta get my cute animal fix. Common. Who cannot honestly like this:

That is a kitten with balloons tied to it and I think it’s adorable and if you have a problem with that I will chop your fucking head off you fucking shit fuck ass.

The only thing I can think of that’s not gay is when you fill out income tax/finance forms alone in a room with no windows because that is the most asexual, libido destroying activity in the world.